tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-263996852024-03-23T14:08:31.354-04:00Arising Anew From These Ashesletting my mind go...
<a href="mailto:iamphoenix1985@mindless.com">Email me!</a>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-59352639372604526262007-09-11T02:11:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:54.240-05:00Smiling is cute.<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RuZDi0WlD5I/AAAAAAAAACw/Pb25SWOoifA/s1600-h/Trevor02b.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5108845092746366866" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RuZDi0WlD5I/AAAAAAAAACw/Pb25SWOoifA/s320/Trevor02b.jpg" border="0" /></a> <div><em><span style="font-family:arial;">Last weekend I went to Bloomington on Friday for a date. I am still receiving flack for what ended up turning into the longest and best dates of my life. His name is Nick, and we met up Friday night. Well, I ended up staying Saturday night too, because we had so much fun together. It was just very comfortable, and I never have had it happen like that before. We did end up going out drinking that night, which turned out to be a bigger ordeal than I really wanted to take on, because he has cerebral palsy. I'm totally fine with it, I mean his isn't really that bad, BUT when he drinks, he does fall down a lot, so luckily I wasn't that drunk, so I could steady him for the walk home.<br /><br />Anyway, Sunday I got really sick. Like I thought I was dying sick. My phone had died, and I was laying in bed feeling like the world had literally put all of its atmospheric pressure inside of my skull. So, your first instinct isn't to pick up the phone and call people to tell them how bad you feel, right? Well, I checked my messages on Tuesday, and I hadn't any, so I just figured everyone was just assuming I was staying at his place for a while. No no, apparently my mom was about to file a report with the police, so luckily I called on Wednesday telling her I finally felt better and that I was going to come home. Coincidentally, my mother had been contacting all of my friends, NONE of whom, mind you, live in Bloomington, so none of them knew where I was. Even though, had they gotten ahold of Joy, who DOES live in Bloomington, everything would've been ok.<br /><br />Long story short, I had a good date, but I've gotten so much flack for it that I almost regret it. I really like this guy though. The only thing that concerns me is the fact that he does like to drink a lot, which is totally ok with me, but with his cerebral palsy he does get a little uncontrollable sometimes, and it scares me that he might hurt himself or something. Plus, he can't drive, so it's a one way distance relationship, which really kind of sucks, because anytime I would want him here for a family gathering, I'd have to go pick him up and bring him back, and do it all over again to take him home. I guess it's sort of karma for not having a car for such a long time, and making Justin pick me up all those times. </span></em></div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-78044339085177845952007-08-29T15:33:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:54.621-05:00"Coupling" on BBC<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RtXKmvhjVaI/AAAAAAAAACY/8Lwabyt7Sa0/s1600-h/coupling.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5104208519635359138" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RtXKmvhjVaI/AAAAAAAAACY/8Lwabyt7Sa0/s320/coupling.jpg" border="0" /></a> <div>This is quite possibly the most hilarious show I've ever seen. I've rented the first 2 seasons and have completely enjoyed both of them. In fact, I watched season 2 twice. I have season 3 on order, so I can't wait for that. Sadly, there are only 4 seasons of this brilliant show. "Damn BBC bastards!" -Steve (season 2)</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Sorry, I don't want to write about much.</div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-62325070619381102952007-08-27T18:40:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:54.805-05:00Gay Guys Drink.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RtNWP_hjVZI/AAAAAAAAACQ/i6Y_pAtAEfI/s1600-h/7.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5103517635491091858" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RtNWP_hjVZI/AAAAAAAAACQ/i6Y_pAtAEfI/s320/7.jpg" border="0" /></a> <div><em><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I just finished a weekend of gay boozing. I say gay, because all of it was either with gay people, or at a gay bar. Seriously, those gays love to drink. I was talking to one guy, and he said that he has been out every night for the past 2 months. TWO MONTHS! That's ridiculous, unhealthy, let alone, expensive. Oddly enough, he had the most obtrusive and typical personality, and afterwards I had to profess my dislike for him. Coincidence? I went out both nights to Greg's, or "Our Place" as the older guys call it because that was it's previous name. SFA took me there, and I think he was in a position to think that it was a date, which I MIGHT have let him believe the week before, but both nights I thought I made it blatantly clear I had no intentions of dating. I kept talking about my interest in other guys and I made sure as to not let him get too close, or kiss me. He's a bit upset now, but he'll get over it. I mean, SFA does stand for "Strictly Friends Aaron." Those were our terms when we first met, because he is the first gay guy friend I have made here in Indy. I find myself to be really uncomfortable in Greg's. I don't feel like I fit into the gay culture, or something like that. A couple of guys on Saturday took it upon themselves to give me some tips on how to dress, and redid the outfit I had been wearing. I feel dumb and naive about things like that. I always find myself shocked in the gay scene, which, you would think by now that nothing would phase me. Everytime...it still does. For instance, there was this adorably cute/hot guy probably around my age, and he was sitting at the bar with this guy who couldn't have been any younger than 55. G-ross. As if that wasn't enough, later I saw them making out, and SFA told me that the old guy is always there with younger guys like that. So, I'm thinking they're either escorts, or they are getting some sort of compensation for it all. I just can't imagine being 22 and being with someone who is more than THIRTY years older than me. Sheesh! </span></em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><br /><div><em>Anyway, the weekend was fun. I met new people, which is always great, and I guess I learned a little more about the gay culture, which is always useful. Maybe one of these days I'll understand it all.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><br /><div><em>I've been missing Justin a lot lately, yet not in the conventional way. The only time I ever miss him is when I go to bed, and I'm hugging my pillow, I remember how great he felt in my arms. "God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay." Thank The Postal Service and Iron & Wine for those lyrics. Other than that though, I really don't miss him. I was thinking the other day, I didn't even cry over Justin. Not one tear. Then, I couldn't even remember the last time I cried, which is very awkward to me. I am usually so in touch with my feelings. Maybe I've become numb.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-65970720288631126192007-08-22T17:02:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.053-05:00Gay guys camp.<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RsyoQ_hjVYI/AAAAAAAAACI/JTGJdqWiby0/s1600-h/heath250.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5101637487787464066" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RsyoQ_hjVYI/AAAAAAAAACI/JTGJdqWiby0/s320/heath250.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:78%;">This past weekend I was subjected to a new part of the culture to which I belong. Here in Indiana there is a gay campground. Weird right? Most of the gays I know are like, "Ewwww, dirt!" No no, there's plenty of others. My friend Neil invited me to go down with him in his RV, so it wasn't really roughing it by all means. He said he would provide plenty of alcohol, so of course I was swayed. Why not meet some new people anyway? Driving into the place, after buying a membership, I visibly was the only one there under 30. I'm thinking, "Shit...It's just a bunch of old bears." Well, I guess they're out in their natural habitat, eh? Anyway, we set up camp and stuff, and come 4 o'clock, it was time for the first cocktail. Why not, right? There's really nothing else to do. Enter James Denton. No no, not really, but he looked just like him. Neil was yelling at him out the window, so he came over to talk to us. We were introduced, and basically after that I just stared. Neil was telling him that he should shave, because he was looking a little scruffy, and out of nowhere, I was like, "I think it's sexy." Awkward silence...."Ok...I need to use the facilities, and I walked away. Anyway, the drinking ensued, and I was actually being very responsible about it. I didn't want to get completely hammered, because I didn't know anyone there really, and it was a big huge group of gay guys, who which many of were naked. Actually, I did really well until nearly the end of the night. The jello shots were really what got me, but I remember all of it. Anyway, there's what they call, "The Chicken Coop," which is basically an old barn that they've turned into some sort of sex pit. I walked in, saw the porn playing on the tele, and the swing, wait no, they call it a "sling," that was hanging by it, and a picnic table which had been modified with some padding on it. I was like, "What's that for........Oh...." Silly me. They were like, "It's a good thing you're pretty...." Anyway, this new friend I had made, Andrew, and I went to the chicken coop, because I wanted to check out the selection of porn, to see exactly what was appropriate sex watching while using a sling. Mind you, the alcohol was affecting me, and I had the awesome idea of trying out the sling. So Andrew laaded me up into it (your legs go up in stirrups! It felt like I was going to give birth!), fully clothed, I might add. So I'm laying in it, and honestly, it was pretty damn comfortable. It felt like a hammock! Some old guy appeared in the doorway, and I hurriedly jumped out of it as fast as I could saying, "No no, I'm not here for that..." and stuff along those lines. Luckily, I shooed him away, and I decided it was time to leave the coop. Later, I was told of, "Fort Dicks," (which I thought they should dub Fort Dix, because it's more classy) which is basically a privacy fence around a picnic table, and guys go there at night-time for anonymous sex. It's not right really, or safe, but that sort of thing is quite common with our culture. Anyway, Andrew and I went to it, because I was curious as to what it looked like, and luckily, no one was in there. 2 guys eventually did come in later, but I was trying to make it a social event, trying to get their names and introduce myself. When I was greeted with looks of disdain, I decided it was best if I were to pop out of there, just to make sure nothing actually happened to me that I didn't want to allow. Actually, I ended up hanging out with one of those guys the next day, but didn't realize it until halfway through. It was pretty unnerving, but I still had fun. There was a lot more promiscuity, and approaches by older men than I would've wanted, but other than that, it was enjoyable, and I got to meet some new people. </span></em></div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-88578942761301997612007-08-16T19:29:00.000-04:002007-08-16T19:34:44.779-04:00It's a little bit funny...<em>It's a bit ridiculous trying to post at my house. My comptuer, plus the lack of a good connection speed, makes it almost an hour process to just publish one blog post. </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I've been looking around lately, and thinking about getting in the dating pool once more. The thing is, all I seem to find are disappointments. Gay men, I swear, are the shadiest type of subculture there is. They are all full of promises, yet when it comes down to something realy, they flake out and disappear. This, of course, is basically referring to meeting people online. I'm not really a bar hopper, so I don't really have any place to meet any single men, so I get on chat rooms, mostly just gay.com. I have been bound to find many a good chat or two, but when it comes down to actually meeting or anything of the sort, the guy will suddenly get "kicked" offline, like that's even a valid excuse anymore. Honestly, how many people still use dialup? Or, I've even had it get so far that we will talk on the phone, and when it comes to getting directions to come pick them up, or something, their phone will miraculously die and I won't be able to get ahold of them again. Uh, hello, plug your damn phone in. It's not that hard.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>A bit disappointing all around, but I've gotten cynically used to it.</em>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-71002606571413216932007-08-14T03:35:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.244-05:00The girlfriend's fine, I don't like you.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RsFdDZQ34kI/AAAAAAAAACA/heeQ-vwMatU/s1600-h/Avril+Lavigne+-+The+Best+Damn+Thing.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5098458566062760514" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RsFdDZQ34kI/AAAAAAAAACA/heeQ-vwMatU/s320/Avril+Lavigne+-+The+Best+Damn+Thing.jpg" border="0" /></a> <div><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">I just got around to finally listening to Avril Lavigne's new album, "The Best Damn Thing." What the hell was she thinking? I don't care <em>how </em>happy you are now that you're married, there's no need to stoop down to cheerleader level, airheaded girl lyrics. Her second album, "Under My Skin" proved to show that she was actually a decent enough singer, and that she was maturing in her music style with songs like "Nobody's Home," and "Slipped Away." Now she's basically running around in underwear with soccer socks on in her video for "Girlfriend," acting like she was actually the popular girl in high school. I guess her standing as "punk" was controversial enough, so maybe she just decided to say fuck it, and become a full blown pop idiot. What is up with this album cover too, are those scissors in her hair? </span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#6666cc;"></span></strong> </div><div><strong><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#6666cc;">Summary: terribly catchy lyrics...for a 14 year-old girl, or fag.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#6666cc;"></span></strong> </div><div><strong><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#6666cc;">2 stars</span></strong></div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-42672822920141549502007-08-11T18:49:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.445-05:00I've returned<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Rr5DLJQ34jI/AAAAAAAAAB4/dWSjQ-dufGI/s1600-h/The+Raveonettes.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5097585686974292530" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Rr5DLJQ34jI/AAAAAAAAAB4/dWSjQ-dufGI/s320/The+Raveonettes.jpg" border="0" /></a><em>I hope the hiatus hasn't been too long. I had to reformat my computer and get everything working again, and I'm finally back! I will be writing in here more frequently, because my other blogging community has pissed me off, and I will not be returning. You may notice a few changes in the format of things here. I will be writing about my life experiences, posting poems and short stories, making fun of celebrities, and offering reviews of books, movies and music. Kisses to my readers, and I hope you welcome and enjoy the change.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Justin and I are no longer together. We just didn't match at all. It was a pretty good break-up, and we talked a little after that, but then out of nowhere, he went immature and blocked me online. It was immaturity like that that bothered me about him so much sometimes. I still plug a few sentences into his email or text messages, and he responds nicely and like we're friends, yet I'm still blocked. Sometimes I miss him, and then I remember that.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>If you aren't already, I would advise you to become familiar with The Raveonettes. "Pretty in Black" is one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. They sort of remind me of a mixture of The Beatles and Blondie. </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I went back to Purdue last weekend to see some old friends, and it turned out to be a pretty positive experience. It's funny how nothing ever changes there, like Purdue is some sort of time capsule where some sort of immaturity stays within. I felt like I had grown so much from the individuals I visited. I went hope with a sense of pride and sadness simultaneously. It seems that I left part of my youth in that town, and I think that's why I'm so emotionless now.</em>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-27940361010430671862007-06-17T22:08:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.587-05:00More<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RnXrtfTAPSI/AAAAAAAAABw/2OXjXh-NLRs/s1600-h/NoSexHuff.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RnXrtfTAPSI/AAAAAAAAABw/2OXjXh-NLRs/s320/NoSexHuff.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5077223321657949474" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Americans are often left wanting more. I have given most of the blame for this on technology, because everything is so "instant gratification" these days that if there is any waiting or delay, we get pissed off that we aren't getting our way.<br /><br />Dictionary.com offers many definitions of the word "more," but my favorite is, "something of greater importance. " Sometimes, still, I find myself wanting more. This often makes me feel selfish and devoid of any pride because really, why can't I just sit back and enjoy what I have? It's always like, "Awesome...I really wanted this Hard-Fi cd...but damn it! I want that Mika cd too!" Why can't I just sit back and enjoy listening to the Hard-Fi cd? The Hard-Fi cd will always be there for me, because...well...it's mine. The Hard-Fi cd is comforting, and pleases me when I need it to. So tell me, why is Mika over there calling my name?<br /><br />I can tell you why. It's because I want more from Hard-Fi. MORE! At night, when I lie in bed and feel lonely, Hard-Fi isn't there holding me tight and wishing me off to dreamland. Hard-Fi isn't there to kiss me when I don't initiate it. Inanimate plastic tends to not move on its own...especially if it were to involve human emotions. The Hard-Fi cd sings me good songs, and I really like to listen to it...but sometimes I just want it to say more. Like suddenly I will buy the international version, imported from Britain, and it will have one extra song that will make everything complete. That I could finally sit there, and listen to everything Hard-Fi has to say, completely satisfied and happy.<br /><br />Not to make anything better, but then you're living your life, and eventually you're friends are introduced to the Hard-Fi cd. Well, they don't like it! Blasphemous I tell you! Can they not tell what good music is when they hear it? Hard-Fi makes me happy, and that's all that should matter. You bringing down the cd with all of your negative speak about how weird a song or two is doesn't help me. It actually just makes me doubt my judgement of the cd. I was completely happy, and impressed with Hard-Fi's talent, but now you've gone and suggested something, and the little voice in the back of my mind that MAY have had a criticism, is coming out to meet and greet your opinion, and trying to see if they would be good friends.<br /><br />So now I want even more from Hard-Fi, like suddenly, they have to reprove their talent to me.<br /><br />Just maybe I will find that import, and Hard-Fi will give me just the little bit more I want. We'll see...but eventually I will get tired of Hard-Fi, if they can't muster up the talent that Mika is willing to give me.<br /></span>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-67396584183585510802007-06-08T16:00:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.847-05:00Pride?<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Rmm3hfTAPRI/AAAAAAAAABo/tTXfRp_2qu8/s1600-h/pride_gay.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5073788241174347026" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Rmm3hfTAPRI/AAAAAAAAABo/tTXfRp_2qu8/s320/pride_gay.jpg" border="0" /></a>Yesterday kicked off the "big weekend" as a lot of the gays call it. It is Indy's Pride weekend. You might compare this to a Mardi Gras of sorts, because it seems to be the perfect excuse to go and make the biggest ass of yourself as possible. Pride? Really? I'm not sure if I could run around claiming that I'm this so-called "proud" to be gay. I mean, I'm comfortable with myself, but I live a different life compared to a lot of the other queers. Since it's pride, everyone seems to believe that they must pull out their most ridiculous outfits accesorized by rainbow bracelets, shirts saying, "I love cock" and so on. I don't know about you, but I definitely want to go celebrate with a bunch of ass-less chaps, leather suspender wearin, whip carrying, make-up wearing, shirtless fags running around saying "Heyyyy gurrrrrl." Pride, to the gays, apparently means "the loss of dignity for oneself." I'm gay, sure, but I'd like to think that I fit in a little bit more in the world. I look for a long-term relationship, hopefully some day turning into a family. I wear decent clothing, nothing TOO gay. I don't run around with shirts on saying, "Ew, vagina!" So tell me, why would I want to go "celebrate" being gay, with a bunch of guys that make me ashamed of what I am. THIS is the shit that gets televised, and those god-loving, difference haters see on tv, and just solidify their hatred for the homosexual community. Who wouldn't? Hell, I'm gay, and when I see a bunch of half naked fags running around in super shiny silver speedos, waving rainbow flags and humping everything within a 5-foot proximity, I'm embarassed. Embarassed for them, and embarassed for me, because that's the community I "represent."<br /><br /><br /><br />Unless you haven't guessed, I will not be attending Pride this year, or any year near in the future.Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-77097535258982038372007-05-25T14:20:00.001-04:002007-05-25T14:21:14.149-04:00New KnowledgeIt seems Justin and I are now official and all the business. It's been 2.5 years since I've had a boyfriend. I can no longer be that cynical single guy who hates couples! Such sadness... No longer will I have the crazy drunken nights out, dancing, having fun, meeting new people...Actually...more like forgetting everything, being told who kissed me the night before, receiving phone calls from guys that I apparently enchanted the night before and I can't even remember their name, coming home to the lonliness, an empty bed, no one to share anything with... Yeah, I'm really going to miss being single...let me tell ya... Having someone special in your life is really a positive. (Go ahead and puke, Jarred.) Hell, I've lost 15 pounds since I met him. At the launch of seeing him, at first I wasn't sure if, in fact, I was ready to "settle down," as some may say. I was still lingering on those crazy nights that I'd spent, but really, sometime you have to grow up. It's odd and ironic that it took a 20 year old to teach me that. We're getting older, and it's not all fun and games anymore. I mean, sure, it's ok to go out every now and then and have some fun, but if, like at the beginning of college, is a party every night of the week, it's almost pitiful. I, of all people, finally know this.Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-36588362825709395972007-05-22T01:31:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:55.997-05:00Stolen Lyrics<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RlKBiiQM3AI/AAAAAAAAABY/a1oeuamnylc/s1600-h/questions.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5067254961055521794" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RlKBiiQM3AI/AAAAAAAAABY/a1oeuamnylc/s320/questions.gif" border="0" /></a><em>It's Monday, thus meaning my weekend date is over. Friday he picked me up, and we went back to his place, ordered pizza and played N64 all night. I apparently can't fight in the battle mode...I'm only good racing the cups. </em><br /><div><br /><em>Saturday we got up and went to lunch at this Guatemalan place that wasn't the best of food, and headed over to see the civil war re-enactment. It was kind of strange. It was a good 20-25 minutes of shooting before someone died. Also, it ended with the Confederates winning. I understand that they DID win some battles, but you think if they're depicting a battle, they would choose the one that was important...ya know...where the Union won. He asked me to stay the night again later on. </em></div><br /><div><em>Chinese for dinner, bottle of wine, finally I kissed him, played N64, watched some comedy. Something seemed to be missing though: affection. I'm a very affectionate guy, when it comes to dating. I pretty much like to be near, touching, or cuddling anytime we can. It's not like we can openly do that in public, so when I'm in private, I'm like "Put it on me!" He seemed perfectly fine with sitting on the couch like we were two straight guys, or strangers. It bothered me, and honestly I was just ready for Ellen to shut the fuck up so we could go to bed and Sunday, the day I would go home would come sooner. While sitting on the love seat, I said something about looking for an affectionate partner, and I mentioned something along the lines, "So it's not lookin' good for you!" I know it was a joking tone, but I was totally being sincere, and he seemed to shrug it off. Later, in bed, I was ready to end things. He started petting my hand, like I was a cat, and I told him, "Don't even try now...it's too late." Then it sprung into my mind that this meant I would never see him again, and I decided to engage in a conversation about our intentions and feelings. It was really my first conversation of that kind, since Baker never said anything with meaning unless it was online. So I kind of felt like I was just throwing things out there, and he wasn't really answering that well, but I decided I'd give it a shot. We cuddled in bed and such, but once again, on Sunday, it pretty much stopped after the day had started. He seems reluctant to kiss me, turning his head when one should be interested in doing just so. </em></div><br /><div><em>It concerns me, because this is the launch of a possible relationship, and this is the stage that usually people are all over each other, or at least want to be. I'm afraid that if it's already like this, what's going to happen when the dust settles? Never touch? I couldn't do that. It's strange, I'm finally sitting here at the initiation of a relationship, and I'm looking at possibly throwing it away. I never thought it'd be like this, but I've never had anyone act this way. I guess it's strange going from Andrew to Justin, because from the first date, Andrew couldn't keep off of me, and I liked it. It's almost like I've traveled to the other pole. </em></div><br /><div><em>I know I feel like I'm singing "</em><a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/westlife/morethanwords.html" target="_new"><em>More Than Words</em></a><em>," by Westlife. (Click the title of the song there and you can refresh your memory on those lyrics.) I couldn't get that song out of my head all day, and then oddly enough I heard it at Wendy's when we were eating. I like the boy a bunch. He called today and after talking to him I grew fond of him again, and can't really imagine giving it all away. I guess I need to just be patient.</em> </div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-35275813514921627812007-05-17T04:19:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:56.383-05:00Impending...<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RkwRUiQM2_I/AAAAAAAAABQ/FmQ2pzPzsVc/s1600-h/Ready.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5065442725374778354" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RkwRUiQM2_I/AAAAAAAAABQ/FmQ2pzPzsVc/s320/Ready.jpg" border="0" /></a><em><strong>Turns out Justin took me to dinner last night at Joe's Crab Shack, so that would technically be the 3rd date. Now, since date 4 is already established, I'm pretty sure he's going to be the first guy to make it passed the 3rd date mark. It's been decided that for timing, traveling distance and such for the re-enactment, that I will be staying the night at his place on Friday. He's picking me up after he gets off work, so that should be anytime from 5-6, doing dinner...then, shit, I don't know. I mean, I've never been in this situation. Does the "staying over" part indicate that I am expected to have sex with him? Truth be told, I'm not ready for things to move into a sexual relationship. Honestly, I've never really had that happen....this way anyway. With Baker, everything was drunk, so it didn't really count b/c we didn't have inhibitions anyway. This so-called relationship I have with Justin has been entirely sober.<br /><br />So really, the dilemma is this: Justin and I have been on 3...semi to very good dates. But...we have yet to kiss. I'm not sure if he's one of those wait around for me to make a move, or what, but it's kind of ridiculous. I'm personally acting like the wait around for a move type, because I don't feel consciously comfortable around him. He's in much better shape than I am...like hard belly and everything...that I don't feel equal enough in superiority to make the move, because he could be like "Ew...this fat, sweaty, and gross man is touching me..." (I've actually heard him utter those words in a story about someone else.) He makes little gestures, like coming in to meet my mother yesterday after dinner. Then we played N64, (because we're just THAT cool) and during Mario Kart he kept tickling me/wrestling...all that good flirty stuff, I assume to drop down the barriers of touching. As we were like cuddling, (Mind you, the only thing of his actually touching me were his legs, he was nowhere near putting his arm around me or anything like me) I kissed him on the cheek, and I'm about 73.5% sure that he went "Tssss...." (You know, that sound people make when they think something is stupid; usually equipped with a roll of the eyes) So I'm like hmmm....strange. Later, he proceeds to put my hand on his crotch, and, well...it was awkward. I didn't do much of anything except for keep removing my hand from there! I'm like SERIOUSLY! What are you wanting? I'm not going to sit here and jack you off while my mother is in the other room. I'm certainly not JUST going to jack you off because you think I'm a hideous beast and wouldn't dream of returning anything near the same favor.<br /><br />So really now...What IS to be expected of this weekend. Jarred says that because I'm staying the night that we are a couple. I don't think that's true at all...especially with the gays.<br /><br />Maybe he has a mouth phobia. Anyway...I'm just kind of frustrated about being sincerely clueless.</strong></em>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-49551959495371641382007-05-14T00:03:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:56.473-05:00The Cynical Hopeless Romantic<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RkfiDogWEzI/AAAAAAAAABI/h-tO2tPjwSA/s1600-h/positivity.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5064264858041979698" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RkfiDogWEzI/AAAAAAAAABI/h-tO2tPjwSA/s320/positivity.jpg" border="0" /></a><em>Today turned out to be a suprisingly efficient day. I went to dinner for Mother's Day at my Aunt Christi's house, and then stopped by Jarred's to see how graduation went.<br /><br />Sigh... Then my mother dragged me to Taco Bell, which was actually a task with an alterior motive. She wanted to "talk" about my life situation, where I see things going, what's dragging me down, why I'm still in depression, why I'm so angry at her all the time...and so on. The conversation I NEVER really wanted to have, and pretty much avoided at all costs by running out the door so she can't capture me. It actually turned out to be a rather productive speech. I said things that, in hindsight, might not have said with some clear thinking, but I think all the pent-up rage being released was a healthy, growing excercise between our relationship. A lot of our anger is redirected from whom it should be focused on...THE OLD PEOPLE.<br /><br />Date #3 with Justin is planned this weekend. We're going to see a Civil War re-enactment. I know some of you may say "oh....AWESOME," (Jarred), but I've gotta give 'em somethin'. That's certainly the first time I've been asked out to one of those. It was so funny the way he asked, so proper and planned. "I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to this Civil War re-enactment, and then afterward I thought we could go back to my place and see where things go." I had to hold back a chuckle at the thoughtful, pre-planned delivery, but I thought it was kind of adorable that he spent the time doing just so. Our phone conversations are so pleasing, that I wish I could break the barrier down and get that connection in real life. Now that I know his intentions, I think I can do that. We were talking about raising children as a joke, and he was talking about his kids and Father's Day, and I said something like, "Well, I'm sure that's where the mother figure uses her money and SAYS it's from the kids." (The gift of course.) He replied saying that there would be no mother figure, and I was a little exasperated saying that I assumed he would be raising children with a partner. He said, "Oh...so...that'd be you!" You know me, I melted a little (puke), and I introduced him to my ultimate power of making something romantic and then ripping it all away.<br /><br />An excerpt.<br /><br />Me: "At least I'd get to spend time with you."<br /><br />...............<br /><br />Me: Puke...I can't believe I said that. See what I did there, I was romantic then took it all away as to show my two sided feelings toward relationships. The cynical hopeless romantic. </em>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-64356782142513003802007-05-01T14:02:00.000-04:002007-05-01T14:04:35.141-04:00I seemed to have lost all of my readers. I guess that's what you get for taking an unannounced hiatus. I didn't announce it because it wasn't planned. I slid back into the darkness, and it had taken me over. I didn't feel like sharing this with anyone because it just seems so expected and incessant. <br /><br />My birthday was on Sunday, so I am now 22. I'm getting ready to make some changes in my life, so I'm making sure I'm focusing on the future to make sure everything works out ok.Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-88861325620008999722007-04-25T03:22:00.000-04:002008-11-13T12:10:56.880-05:00Writings About Nothing<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Ri8Do4gWEyI/AAAAAAAAABA/wz49KhbV-Bc/s1600-h/Nothing+Ever+Happened+Here.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5057264907458056994" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/Ri8Do4gWEyI/AAAAAAAAABA/wz49KhbV-Bc/s320/Nothing+Ever+Happened+Here.jpg" border="0" /></a> Oh....this week. The first part of it was spent digging up a tree stump. Stupid me had to suggest it, and it ONLY took two days of work that my body didn't seem to enjoy. It's late, I realize, but I can't get on a normal sleep rhythm again. Also, there's bugs in my house, so I'm constantly hitting myself to get the bugs off. It's getting ridiculous.<br /><br />Dead week I'm finding doesn't really exist here at IUPUI. I guess it never was treated the way it was really supposed to be at Purdue though. I can't believe the semester's already over. I'm quite certain this is going to be my last semester....for a while, at least. I have to get a full-time job, for real. I need to start paying off some of this college shit, and trying to set myself up on my own. Living with my mother hasn't really been that bad though. Honestly, I think it's a much healthier living situation than it was with Kristen and April. There isn't such unnecessary drama in my atmosphere that has nothing to do with me. At least here I know it's just between my mother and me.<br /><br />....That's for about oh...6 more days. Then the Leviathon returns....Grandma. Let's all join in on one goddamn big SIGH...<br /><br />I predict about 3 weeks I'll be wanting out of the house faster than a male dog mounts a bitch in heat.<br /><br />It's funny. Sometimes I feel like I really just need someone to come into my life and make it over. Get me a job, an apartment, reliable friends [not saying that the one I have is nothing of the sort...He's probably more reliable than anyone else I know.] and a car....and I would happily just jump in working and start paying for everything that has been bestowed upon me. Yet, it's not that easy. I wish it was, but it wasn't. I have no motivation to go out and succeed in finding all this shit for myself, because it's difficult! I mean, I haven't been employed by a REAL job [not including the orchard...b/c c'mon....really?] for about 2 years. It's ridiculous. What sensible employer would be like YES! Let's employ this bastard who has been doing nothing in his life for...well, let's face it, the past 4 years. Going to college directly out of high school was probably the worst decision I've ever made in my life. Was it just me, or did everyone else feel like they needed to take a year or so off to go explore the world and figure out what's important to them....and possibly find their intended career. Let's look at the past. Oh...Exactly 4 years ago, I was sitting here, so freaking excited to leave high school, cut loose of the bullshit, drama, and friends I didn't need holding me back, and head to Purdue to start my career in Pre-Veterinary medicine. Man...was that deluded. Little did I know I'd enter Purdue and it only take a good 3 months to realize that what I had wanted to do my entire life was not at all what I expected it to be. "Bam! Bitch goes down." [Thank you Tatum, from Scream.] I wandered through Purdue, meandering not finding anything that I liked or excelled at except for partying. I mean really, besides tutoring Lauren in math, I really didn't do anything productive there. I was majoring in partying, and we all know it. Hell, I had two fucking minors in it as well.<br /><br />I like this Journalism major though. It's "morphenomenal." What I don't like though, are all these bullshit classes I have to take that don't really pertain to my degree. This isn't the best example, because it could actually be used, but I have to take 2 years of a foreign language. Do you KNOW what that fucking means? Just because of that, I have AT LEAST a year and a half left at IUPUI. [spits on UC.]<br /><br />Ok, I'm gonna stop and try to look at the positives in my life.<br /><br />I met a boy. His name is Andrew, and we hit it off really well. He's 6'6, but unlike some of the other tall guys I've met, it doesn't make me feel inferior. He's just an all out cool guy, who understands a little bit where I'm coming from. Out last date kind of sucked though, because he was tired, I was tired AND also suffering from withdrawls of nicotine. The date ended awkward with him saying, "I'll see ya when I see ya," and not kissing me. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to see him again, and that sucks. [Oh wait...that wasn't really a positive was it. DAMN!]<br />Something that isn't necessarily a positive, but I thought was pretty damn funny. The other day someone was bitching to me about something, and I was like, "Wow, that sucks. I'm really sorry for you?" They were like, "What?" and I responded as, "Um....I don't really know. I was trying to be nice. I'm not very good at it." That would be a lol pronounced "lull" from me.<br /><br />Ok...positives. Ok! I've been finding a lot of sweet music lately. I'm really digging Josh Ritter, The Matt White Band, My Morning Jacket, Sondre Lerche, The Feeling, Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, Amy Winehouse, and Wilco. Some of you are going...."Huh?" Shut up, I know you don't know them....go open up your horizons a little ok Johnny? It's not just fields and 5 cent colas anymore. The Pete Yorn latest album, "Nightcrawler," is amazing. Bloc Party's new cd, "A Weekend in the City" really disappointed me, but it's still listenable. [With the exception that track #5 is amazing.] I musn't lie, I was a little disappointed when I found out the lead singer was black....changed my whole perception of the band. For all you club bumping alcoholics [Like me!] will like the new Timbaland album, "Timbaland Presents: Shock Value." The title makes sense once you listen to the cd. Rarely do you hear much actual vocals from him. It's mostly guest performances by people like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Nicole Scherzinger, She Wants Revenge [awesome song], Fall Out Boy, The Hives, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre, Missy Elliot, and of course, the amazing Elton John. You might notice he's produced a few of those artist's cds. Coincidence? If you don't think so then you're an idiot.<br /><br />That was positive!<br /><br />positives: I love peanut butter. I love mexican food....severely. I love Cherry Coke Zero...it's just amazing.<br /><br />Ok...so you can just go ahead and sit me at the "Girls who eat their feelings table." [Uh thank you, "Mean Girls."]<br /><br />Wow, I typed a freaking book. Oh! Something funny. I had a dream last night about prom. That's right, high school prom. All I really remember from it was that I was going with Jessica, and we were supposed to meet somewhere and she wasn't there. Then I found her eating McDonald's, AT SCHOOL, with Mr. Barnett. She was all mad at me because I stood her up. I was like "Whatever," [in my best "Clueless" Ambular voice], and then it was fast forward to the prom, and she had a black dress on. Then...here comes the twist. I was being married in a boat to Cleopatra, and we sailed away, but then the King was with Jennifer Gardner as Sidney on "Alias," and he slit Sidney's throat, and carved a deep X into my arm. Bleeding like a bitch out the neck, Sidney still tried to stop the bleeding, and she was insulted at the King that he cut me there because I had previous slit my wrists in my life. [Whoops! That's not fictional.] I was getting tired in my dream, because I was bleeding to death. Slowly my vision started closing in, I couldn't breath....and then I awoke in bed, sweating like a girl with a drunken jock down her neck at a roofie party, and gasping for breath. Good times....good times.<br /><br />I conclude my writings about nothing with some reccomendations.<br /><br />Movie: Hot Fuzz<br />cd: My Morning Jacket: Z<br />song: "Never Be Lonely," by The Feeling<br />book: "The Time Machine," by H.G. Wells<br /><br /><br />[Photo Credit: Mark Mumford (http://www.jamesharrisgallery.com)Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-88604497582079971802007-04-20T03:20:00.000-04:002007-04-20T03:54:14.210-04:00I've been down so long...<span style="font-family:georgia;"><em>I'm going through a lot of emotions lately. Technically I should be a Senior in college, but all my fuck ups ruined that. Now, everyone that is my age is graduating in a few weeks, and I feel left out. I feel so unaccomplished, and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm failing this semester.<br /><br />I met this guy, Andrew. Our first date was amazing. We ended up back at my place, and stayed up til 5 on the couch cuddling. We stayed up so late because we were geniunely having fun, and wanted to be with each other. A few days later, we went out again. We went to Chili's for dinner...and that's really all we had time for, because he had some other stuff to attend to, but he wanted to see me. The date sucked. Like, it was so bad we were actually mentioning to each other how bad it sucked. He was tired, I was tired and going through cigarette withdrawls, and we barely spoke. Now I'm kind of afraid he's giving up, but I can't help but want to pursue, especially if we're only at a 50/50 rate. He's 6'6, and boy does that turn me on. I'm 6'0, so it's not often that I find men taller than me. He's just very masculine, down to earth, and honestly seems attracted to me. </em></span><br /><em></em><br /><em>God...my emotions are out of control. My thoughts have changed from, "God...I wish I were dead," to "There's a lot of pills in my closet." I know it's not healthy. I don't know why the darkness has taken me over again. It's like my shadow has moved and is covering my focus. I go through life, one failure to the next, and I know I have so much more in me, but I can't control what happens. It's like I'm living life from afar. It shouldn't be this way. I even took my doctor's advice and started working out 3x or more a week, and really have been keeping up on my meds. I'm beginning to think I was just born a shadow. I was born with no hope inside of me. I can't help but see it reflect back at me, not in a mirror, but in my friend's and family's eyes. It's beginning to get so that I can't look my mother in the face. I know it's probably just me reflecting my feelings from myself onto them, but I go through everyday feeling so tainted with disapproval and failure.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Jeez...I need to find another therapist. I haven't been to one since December b/c she went off my insurance. I miss having an open ear, without opinion.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I'm very disappointed with the new Bloc Party album. Their first album was near genius, and then they sophomore with a sold out, almost Fall Out Boy album...it's sad.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>On another note, you should check out the album "Picaresque" by The Decemberists.</em>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-32141449577150921202007-02-27T14:15:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:10:57.023-05:00Transparent Smile<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/ReSH-40TxsI/AAAAAAAAAAw/zNcTFvUbdbk/s1600-h/smile_transparent.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/ReSH-40TxsI/AAAAAAAAAAw/zNcTFvUbdbk/s320/smile_transparent.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5036299797780481730" /></a><br />I don't feel very good right now. In the past two weeks, 2 people I've known have died, both from serious battles with bad diseases. I found out about the second one today, who was one of my favorite teachers in high school. When I had her 4 years ago she was doing chemo, and everything was fine. She had no hair and such, but she was always so brave and happy, and put her problems off just so she could change the lives of some teenagers.<br /><br />So, I was already in a bad mood, and I sign on to facebook and I see that this guy that I BRIEFLY dated....like...we hung out as friends for a while, then it sort of flew into a fling and then all of the sudden he met someone else. Well, I see that he's now "engaged," well, as engaged as a gay man can be, and it's NOT even to the guy who he met that ended things with me and him. I'm sorry, but I can't help but be pissed off. Here he is, MY age, planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, and I'm pushing guys away as much as possible. <br /><br />Then I think, it's really my fault. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I have CHOSEN to be single. I have chosen to focus on myself, because right now I really really hate myself. Sometimes I just feel really behind everyone else. My therapist and I used to work on feelings of rejection and being left out because I didn't get the "true" socialization in high school because I never got to date and do the "stupid" relationships that teenagers often do in the early years. Nope, I was seemingly the wise one they all came to for advice, not because I had experience, but because I had an outside view. Somehow, I used to identify more with older people, or parents back then, because they weren't doing the stupid shit that I couldn't stand seeing my friends do. <br /><br />NOW, I'm doing the stupid shit. I cant help it, it's my goddamn time! BUT, AGAIN, I'm left behind. Everyone else has moved on, and they're fucking committing themselves to people for the REST of their fucking lives! I can't EVEN imagine that. Hell, I can barely imagine letting someone in for more than one or two dates. It just seems like I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'm just somewhere else emotionally. There's this one guy who's so interested in me, and he's just fucking annoying me. He's like "Let's hang out!" "Let's hang out!" and I'm like "JESUS CHRIST! I don't have any time."<br /><br />I don't know. When I seem to find time, I'm usually so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Eat, sleep, study. Sigh...Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-32601568482221433452007-02-20T14:09:00.000-05:002007-02-20T14:19:47.998-05:00Cold-Hearted SnakeUh-thank you Paula Abdul.<br /><br />Things are quite a bit different in my life right now. A few weeks back I officially declared myself "off the market." That is, of course, the dating market. I'm not cool enough to have stock in myself...yet. It's this great, clarifying change. I no longer have this need to be with someone, to not feel lonely, and to feel like I'm finally loved. It's strange that you can go on living your life for so long having so many people love you but you take it all for granted. Family..friends...pets...that's the good stuff. <br /><br />Somehow, on another note, guys seem to be all over me now. Which is strange because I feel in my life that I am the worst I've ever been self-esteem wise. I'm playing the field, but all I'm doing is throwing strike outs. I'm emotionally unavailable somehow. I can spend the most romantic moment with someone, and not feel a damn thing. There's this one guy, Rich, who I have decided I can no longer see because he's falling for me too hard. Where are my feelings? Hell if I know, but they're not there. I've spent the night over there many times, and I'm pretty sure he's in the illusion that we are dating. Which is rather funny because last time I was with him I was so disgusted that I had to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore. It's just not cool being with someone who's totally head over heels for you, and you have nothing there for them except for friendship. There's also a boy named Daniel who I met at the bar, and another one who I met the following week at the same bar. They both seem to like me a bunch too. It's strange, these are actually guys that at one point in time I could have settled with and probably had a long, productive relationship. Somehow, I'm more interested in these two guys I know from online. Maybe it's just physical, I don't know. But I feel more and more like a "promiscuous boy" (thanks Nelly Furtado) and I'm not sure that I like it. <br /><br />I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's rather an unfortunate time for this to happen, especially it being round 1 of exam time. I think I got through it pretty well though. <br /><br />Suggested Listen: "Come Around" by Rhett MillerWriterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-57932337973047442752007-02-02T15:26:00.000-05:002007-02-02T15:31:10.674-05:00The Night Before Life Goes On...Tonight I'm having a party. It wasn't really my choice, but it was let known that it was being thrown for me. So I made up a guest list and sent out invites and stuff, and I can't help but feel a little down about who rvsp'd negatively. Some little part of my mind I guess was hoping someone like Zach or Justin would show up, and maybe I could mend a little something with them. I don't really like having people out there thinking ill of me, since already, just because I'm homosexual, that's happening anyway. <br /><br />A lot has seemed to be leading up to this day. I did have my EEG this morning, but I won't find out until mid next week what it says. <br /><br />As I once promised, I am going to start editing, "Written, With Love," and will soon post it on here for your reading pleasure. I'm not quite sure if I like the ending, but whatever. I will have to post it as a document, if I can do that...because it's kind of a long story. <br /><br />I'm working on another, SHORT story called, "The Beast of Burden." I'll update!Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-77836053969272111492007-02-01T00:15:00.000-05:002007-02-01T00:22:55.339-05:00FunnySo I finally asked Justin why it ended. The undefined ending was really bothering me, and I had a lot of time today to hash out my feelings and thoughts. Eventually, I decided that I needed a reason to hate him. If I could hate him, I could process these residual emotions and move on with things, free to be whatever. Finally I messaged him, kind of harshly to be truthful. It went something along these lines:<br /><br />Phoenix: Cliff's Notes version, I need a reason to hate you. If I can find one, I can process and move on freely. We both know you are a bastard, so just let me know what shallow, insincere, thoughtless reason you ended things for.<br /><br />Well, eventually it came down to it...He thinks I'm VERBALLY DOMINEERING. I chuckle at that, because I actually put those words in his mouth. Originally, it went something lik-a-dis..."Boi, u two smart 4 me." Hahahahaha, no, just playing. It was like, "You make me feel stupid when you talk to me because I feel strange that I don't always know what you are talking about."<br /><br />Funny. So, actually, it turns out that, in fact, I was too good for HIM!Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-22072515012431896302007-01-23T09:58:00.000-05:002007-01-23T10:07:48.032-05:00DestructionIt's strange how I feel sometimes. After the conversation, I was really upset, but I held it in because my friends were there. We played some Phase 10 after, and I was shaking really hard, but other than that, I didn't show any physical remorse. It got time where I was home alone, and I had it all planned out that I was going to listen to love songs and cry, but when I got down to it, the tears didn't come. It actually scared me a little. I don't want to become jaded enough that I just expect this shit.<br /><br />A few days later, something kind of funny happened and I was clicking on Justin's name to tell him about it. Then I thought to myself that I shouldn't do that. It sucks! I mean, not only did I lose a "potential," as I call them, but I also lost a friend. I wanted to talk to him, but self respect didn't let me do so. <br /><br />Eventually, I decided that I was going to message him, and it was pretty much the most demeaning conversation. Not only did it only consist of like 11 lines, but it was obviously apparent that he was completely done with me. So much for the friend speech, huh?<br /><br />Now, I really just have nothing left. My desire for another has been killed. It's kind of relieving though, I can focus on my schoolwork uninhibited, and I can focus on bettering myself FOR ME, and not for someone else. I guess it's just all not really meant for me right now, which I've accepted and moved on. Relief and a little sadness fill me, but it's more relief, because I finally don't feel like falling in love is the only thing I need in my life. Now I can focus on better things, like friends, food, and school. My mother and I seem to be getting closer as well. It's MUCH better back at home now. The hostility of my apartment was really killing me on the inside, and it's not WWIII at my house anymore since my grandparents are gone. So I'm full-time back at my mother's, and it's going well.<br /><br />February 2nd I get my tests done to see if I can finally drive again! I'm hoping it all turns out well.Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-18097694832078554852007-01-13T05:42:00.000-05:002007-01-13T05:54:51.030-05:00The conversation.Justin: Hey there!<br />Me: Hi.<br />Justin: What's up?<br />Me: Nothing, I want to shoot myself. I'm babsitting. Please be nice, come over, and shoot me in the face. Please and thanks.<br />Justin: lol<br />Me: I'm gonna shower.<br />Justin: Later. <br /><br />(I did that because I was already a little ticked off at him b/c all week he told me he was going to go out with us last night to the bar, and then didn't.)<br /><br />Later...<br /><br />Me: Back.<br />Justin: cool.<br />Me: What are your plans tonight?<br />Justin: Nothing.<br />Me: Oh, Awesome.<br />Justin: I know, right!<br />Me: I'm not doing anything either.<br />Justin: I think my roommates are home now, maybe.<br />Me: Ok, have fun.<br /><br />slight pause in time.<br /><br />Justin: Do you hate me?<br />Me: Not at all. Why?<br />Justin: I would if I were you.<br />Me: Why? Because you're avoiding me?<br /><br />no response.<br /><br />Me: lol, whatever. Go hang out with your roommates. Later.<br />Me: I will be here later if you want to talk.<br /><br />time passes.<br /><br />Justin: Ok.<br /><br />time passes.<br /><br />Justin: I just don't really know what to say. I never really felt a spark between us, and I was going to tell you that we should just be friends, but you were just so sweet so I thought I'd see where things led. Then I left to go home for break, and I actually missed you, and was excited to come back and see you. I love going out with you, and had a lot of fun last weekend, but then things got awkward. I don't know, I really think we just should be friends because I have a lot going on this semester, finishing school and such.<br /><br />Me: I don't want to be friends.<br />Justin: Oh...um...Why?<br />Me: Because I'm already passed that point.<br />Justin: Oh. <br />Me: So, I will just let you go. See ya.<br /><br />slight pause.<br /><br />Me: Wait, why were things awkward?<br /><br />no response.<br /><br />Me: No no, don't do this. At least you could finish the conversation.<br />Justin: It just was when we were in bed.<br />Me: Um, ok.<br />Justin: But I really do have to go.<br />Justin: Sorry if I'm an ass.<br /><br /><br /><br />Yeah...so I guess it's over. After this, I walked to the table to play cards with my friends and I couldn't talk, because I knew if I talked or even looked at them, I'd cry, so I just played a few rounds, shaking profusely, and then started to feel a little better. I told the girls the story, and they were just like "what an ass."<br /><br />It all comes down to this. He thought it was awkward when we were in bed. So basically, he doesn't like the way I look naked. Shallow bastards. All of them. Shallow faggots.<br /><br />Suggested Listen: BBMak- Ghost of You and MeWriterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-74277875769624184622007-01-10T04:18:00.000-05:002007-01-10T04:29:46.295-05:00SHITI can't help it. I like him that much. He said he was in his "online meeting" tonight, which I guess I can't hold against him b/c he actually WAS online, and DID respond to me after like 20 minutes...So I can't assume it was a hookup like I was thinking before. <br /><br />You see this? I distrust EVERYONE. Even my family, because I know their agenda. They try to hide it, but they are secretly broadcasting it to my senses, and I'm not retarded. Maybe I'm paranoid, you might say that, but others might say I'm just a realist, like my best friend. We go through every situation that could happen, so we are prepared for it all. No one wants to go into something cluelessly and have their integrity ripped apart. <br /><br />So, yes, I like Justin. I hate myself for this. I hate that I want to dig into that hole. I mean, it's like the more I see him, I fall deeper and deeper. Eventually, I'm gonna hit the bottom of that hole, and I'm there, on the cold floor, in love with him. Eventually, as it always does, it will end. Again, I will be left there on that floor, though, no longer companioned, I will be left alone, sad, hateful, and too tired to continue life. This is why I'm so scared. Scared of what I might do to myself. New territory excites and scares me the same. What I'll do? No one knows...Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-24522681832784248212007-01-09T14:30:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:10:57.472-05:00I decided.<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RaPvvFKcpoI/AAAAAAAAAAk/FfB-BFeX_Go/s1600-h/decision.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RaPvvFKcpoI/AAAAAAAAAAk/FfB-BFeX_Go/s320/decision.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5018118001939752578" /></a> I chose Justin. He finally is back from winter vacation, and we had our first sleep over at his house. It was really, really nice. He took me out for a few drinks, danced a little, then we just spent the rest of the night in bed and watching movies. Well, that should be "watching." haha. Though, it was a little awkward, I'm not gonna lie. We attempted to have sex, and I don't know if I was too drunk or what, which I don't think I was, but it didn't work. Like, it just wouldn't go in and stay in...lol, I don't know. That was kind of awkward. Then the next morning we were making out and he was on top of me, and we were kissing and then all of the sudden he was breathing a lot harder and started to moan a little. I thought I felt wetness on my stomach, but I was like 'no....he couldn't have.' He rolled off of me, and I reach down to find that, sure enough, he had splooged all over my belly. He was then in this strange 'Don't touch me,' mode, so I felt a little neglected. That left me a little pissed off, and still horny, so we barely spoke on the ride home. Actually, on that ride home I got so pissed off in our silence that I thought to myself, 'God, I don't want to see him ever again.' <br /><br />Then, after going home, taking a shower, and going to my job interview, my mind was clear enough to think about him again, and I was overwhelmed with this awesome sense of desire. I can't help it, I simply adore him. I did catch myself that morning looking over at him and thought, 'Jeez...look at my cute boyfriend. Woah...calm down, he's not your boyfriend yet.' LoL. I can't help what I think sometimes. I really started to freak out, like seriously almost had a panic attack at dinner with my family because I'm so in new territory, and I don't know what I think about. <br /><br />Yesterday I was kind of still flipping out, because he hasn't necessarily been paying much attention to me, like he may be avoiding me. When I brought it up to my friend Tony, he was like, "Dude, just chill out, if you fall in love, then it will happen when it happens. Just let things happen, and don't think too much." He's so right! I mean, fuck it! If he doesn't want to spend time with me then clearly I don't need to be wasting anything on him. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. If we do continue to see each other, which I hope we do, I am going to try to not bring up the "exclusive talk," and wait to see if he will. <br /><br />'Til next time...Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26399685.post-83209074479754513622006-12-19T04:52:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:10:57.592-05:00The Tear<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RYe5Lys8sqI/AAAAAAAAAAY/9TQsjtXfsb4/s1600-h/confusion.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5010176722712965794" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_036BVKpbOzY/RYe5Lys8sqI/AAAAAAAAAAY/9TQsjtXfsb4/s200/confusion.jpg" border="0" /></a>He lay his head down to rest on the pillow normally designated as rest on the living room couch. He was certain that he had happiness inside of him, and was surprised to find that his cheeks were moistened. Were these tears of sadness coming from somewhere inside, somewhere he had been hiding from himself?<br />The boy’s thoughts fleeting through his past days.<br />Nearly a week ago, it was decided between the two that a day date should take place. Justin was to drive down to visit, and go see a movie….<br />**********<br />When Justin walked through the door, I was elated to see him. Though a mere two days had separated them, it was enough to long for his touch. I walked toward him, and leaned down to kiss him gently, and smile back at him when he goofed out a little greeting. He reached out to offer me his homemade chili that he had the night before promised to bring me.<br />I moved him to the couch, and we cuddle a little, discussing what we had foreseen for the day. He needed to do a little shopping for some friends, and I obliged. Also, we planned for a movie.<br />After the shopping, I directed him to the theatre, and we decided up seeing “Stranger Than Fiction,” because I thought it looked good, but mostly it was the only thing on around that time. I bought his tickets, and we headed into the theatre, after buying the free concessions offered to us.<br />We were the only two in the theatre, so we cuddled just as much as we wanted, and during the boring parts, kissed each other fervently. It was nice to have him all to myself, for once, without roommate distraction.<br />We left the movie, a little disappointed with the performance the silver screen gave us, and decided just to head back to the apartment.<br />I led him straight to the couch, where we joked around, kissed, touched, and just had plain had fun.<br />The time had arrived for him to leave, and I was a little sad, but I knew it was forthcoming. With a long kiss goodbye, I sat down, full of happiness, yet still mixed in with some confusion.<br />Who knew what laid ahead for us. I could only sit there full of hope, with a silly grin upon my face.<br />The next night, the roomies and I planned on going out to the bar, in which I was going to be the tag-along, or 3rd wheel, whichever you prefer. In retaliation, I called Justin to invite him as my date, but he didn’t answer, so I promptly left a message.<br />I was disappointed when I didn’t hear back from him, but nonetheless, had fun.<br />The following day arrived, and I woke up and signed online. Justin messaged me saying, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I’m sick, and I just found out my grandma died.”<br />Forgiven. I mean, you can’t even remotely be mad at someone when they give that as an explanation.<br />He proceeded to tell me that he would be going home the next day. I was overcome with sadness, because “home” meant Illinois, and that meant I would not be seeing him over the holidays. I couldn’t really express my disappointment too much, because we aren’t a couple, and I didn’t want to load on too much. I definitely didn’t want him to feel any bit of guilt for leaving me, especially with a deceased family member to deal with.<br />“So…I am not going to see you for a while,” I asked, though I knew, still hoping he might say differently.<br />“Nope,” he replied.<br />“Sad.”<br />I couldn’t really say more than that, because I’m not good with sympathy. I offered my condolences and scattered quickly offline to leave it at that.<br />Departure Day had arrived, and I was downtown eating with the family. My original intention shattered by death of having him meet my family during this annual gathering of ours. Eating at the Old Spaghetti Factory, I couldn’t help but notice we were only 2 blocks from another, him being at the Purdue vs. Butler basketball game.<br />In a lame attempt at contact, I called with the apparent reason to ask him who won, only I knew I just wanted to talk to him. He offered no response on the phone, and a message was followed. Nervously, I gabbed out something stupid, hanging up and hitting myself subconsciously for being stupid.<br />**********<br /><br />The boy waited for a response. The wait was normal, yet still not bearable.<br />He was offered nothing the rest of the day.<br />Or the following.<br />Yet, he was surprised at the events that were to occur this second day of waiting…<br />**********<br /><br />Aimlessly wandering among the web, I was surprised to find someone from my past reappear. Jon and I had met once before, and hit it off entirely. He was a fellow student at my college, and our date turned out to be stimulating and casually fun.<br />I inquired as to what happened to him, because he had disappeared from the face of the earth since our meeting. He apologized in response, and told me what had been going on with him.<br />Surprisingly, he asked me to a movie. I agreed, and before I knew it, I was riding beside him in his car once again.<br />It was awkward, but not seeing him again. It’s like seeing an old friend, where you know them somewhat, but you know they’ve changed.<br />We attended a showing of “Happy Feet,” with only 2 other couples in attendance. Even though there was a couple behind us, in plain view of the two of us, I still grabbed his hand.<br />Why, you may ask, because I’m previously invested in Justin? Well, simply because I wanted to. So that’s that.<br />We continued to move closer and closer to one another, him finally resting his head on my shoulder.<br />At the conclusion of the movie, the 2 other couples exited the theatre, and I offered him a kiss as an expression of my gratitude for the movie. It was a great kiss. A slight, tender pause, and it was over, yet it lingered. Lingered so much that I continued it after buckling my safety belt in his vehicle.<br />We decided then to go grab some food, and ended up at La Bamba, because it was the only restaurant open that late at night. Good food, and good company, always leaves me with a smile.<br />After, he brought me back to his place, where we shared some cigarettes, and had some very long kissing sessions.<br />His roommate then came home, and I met him and his friend, who were both very welcoming, and easy to talk with. Though, that has never really been a problem of mine.<br />They invited me to partake in smoking some bowls, but I refused, and Jon offered watching a movie.<br />The movie turned into a kiss, a kiss into making out, making out into him leading me to the bedroom, the bedroom leading to being nude, and some friendly touching. We ended up making out for over six freaking hours. It was amazing. I can’t lie.<br />Waking up, I was greeted with a minty kiss, which also turned into another make out session. We cuddled, and then decided to go grab some food and go shopping. I had to finish my seasonal shopping, so we opted for a restaurant connected to the mall.<br />Good food and good company continued. I dropped money like I had it and it was fun.<br />In Old Navy, looking at baby clothes, I stole a kiss when no one was near. He was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. Moving to the men’s section, hanging in the pajama section was this hat that appealed greatly to my senses.<br />“This hat is awesome,” I said.<br />“Um, no it’s not,” he cajoled.<br />“It’s adorable! I love it!”<br />“It’s stupid.”<br />“You crazy…” I laughed.<br />Finally done with shopping, I offered for him to come meet my roommates, and he eagerly agreed.<br />He did amazingly well with them, but it was time for him to go. I walked him to his car, and gave him a long goodbye kiss.<br />When I came back in, smiling, Kristen was told me that I was supposed to look under the pillows. When I pulled back the pillows, what was there? The hat that I adored. He had bought it for me secretly. I got a little teary from this, because that was probably the sweetest thing someone has done for me.<br />Later that night, still elated from my date, but confused because now I have two men in my life, I suddenly was messaged by Justin.<br />We talked about what he was going through, dealing with the death of his grandma and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel for him. I do really care for him so much, and I wish I could be there for him, and I wanted to say something like that, but I still don’t know where the boundaries lie.<br />I left our conversation, because I had a girlfriend over and we were watching a movie, more confused than ever.<br />**********<br /><br />The boy raised up after reliving his past days out in his mind, and wiped away the wetness from his skin. He looked around precariously, almost looking for the answers in his mind.<br />What should he do? He feels for both of them. Jon seems like the best bet, but he still couldn’t help but feel intrigued and challenged by Justin. It would be so much easier if Justin were here for him to talk to, but that was no option.<br />Sooner or later, he will have to decide. The boy did not want to continue on in this confusion, and he knew that one day, the decision will be brought about to commit, but by whom is unknown.<br />The boy supposes he will wait until that day to come, and he felt the last tear fall from his face. That lone tear landed on the pillow, seemingly holding the answer, but disappeared before he could read what it told.<br /><div>The tear was gone, and so was his certainty. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Suggested Listen: Muse- Supermassive Black Hole</div>Writerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17111264800473561572noreply@blogger.com1