Arising Anew From These Ashes

Smiling is cute.

2007-09-11T02:11:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I went to Bloomington on Friday for a date. I am still receiving flack for what ended up turning into the longest and best dates of my life. His name is Nick, and we met up Friday night. Well, I ended up staying Saturday night too, because we had so much fun together. It was just very comfortable, and I never have had it happen like that before. We did end up going out drinking that night, which turned out to be a bigger ordeal than I really wanted to take on, because he has cerebral palsy. I'm totally fine with it, I mean his isn't really that bad, BUT when he drinks, he does fall down a lot, so luckily I wasn't that drunk, so I could steady him for the walk home.

Anyway, Sunday I got really sick. Like I thought I was dying sick. My phone had died, and I was laying in bed feeling like the world had literally put all of its atmospheric pressure inside of my skull. So, your first instinct isn't to pick up the phone and call people to tell them how bad you feel, right? Well, I checked my messages on Tuesday, and I hadn't any, so I just figured everyone was just assuming I was staying at his place for a while. No no, apparently my mom was about to file a report with the police, so luckily I called on Wednesday telling her I finally felt better and that I was going to come home. Coincidentally, my mother had been contacting all of my friends, NONE of whom, mind you, live in Bloomington, so none of them knew where I was. Even though, had they gotten ahold of Joy, who DOES live in Bloomington, everything would've been ok.

Long story short, I had a good date, but I've gotten so much flack for it that I almost regret it. I really like this guy though. The only thing that concerns me is the fact that he does like to drink a lot, which is totally ok with me, but with his cerebral palsy he does get a little uncontrollable sometimes, and it scares me that he might hurt himself or something. Plus, he can't drive, so it's a one way distance relationship, which really kind of sucks, because anytime I would want him here for a family gathering, I'd have to go pick him up and bring him back, and do it all over again to take him home. I guess it's sort of karma for not having a car for such a long time, and making Justin pick me up all those times.

"Coupling" on BBC

2007-08-29T15:33:00.000-04:00

This is quite possibly the most hilarious show I've ever seen. I've rented the first 2 seasons and have completely enjoyed both of them. In fact, I watched season 2 twice. I have season 3 on order, so I can't wait for that. Sadly, there are only 4 seasons of this brilliant show. "Damn BBC bastards!" -Steve (season 2)

Sorry, I don't want to write about much.

Gay Guys Drink.

2007-08-27T18:40:00.000-04:00

I just finished a weekend of gay boozing. I say gay, because all of it was either with gay people, or at a gay bar. Seriously, those gays love to drink. I was talking to one guy, and he said that he has been out every night for the past 2 months. TWO MONTHS! That's ridiculous, unhealthy, let alone, expensive. Oddly enough, he had the most obtrusive and typical personality, and afterwards I had to profess my dislike for him. Coincidence? I went out both nights to Greg's, or "Our Place" as the older guys call it because that was it's previous name. SFA took me there, and I think he was in a position to think that it was a date, which I MIGHT have let him believe the week before, but both nights I thought I made it blatantly clear I had no intentions of dating. I kept talking about my interest in other guys and I made sure as to not let him get too close, or kiss me. He's a bit upset now, but he'll get over it. I mean, SFA does stand for "Strictly Friends Aaron." Those were our terms when we first met, because he is the first gay guy friend I have made here in Indy. I find myself to be really uncomfortable in Greg's. I don't feel like I fit into the gay culture, or something like that. A couple of guys on Saturday took it upon themselves to give me some tips on how to dress, and redid the outfit I had been wearing. I feel dumb and naive about things like that. I always find myself shocked in the gay scene, which, you would think by now that nothing would phase me. Everytime...it still does. For instance, there was this adorably cute/hot guy probably around my age, and he was sitting at the bar with this guy who couldn't have been any younger than 55. G-ross. As if that wasn't enough, later I saw them making out, and SFA told me that the old guy is always there with younger guys like that. So, I'm thinking they're either escorts, or they are getting some sort of compensation for it all. I just can't imagine being 22 and being with someone who is more than THIRTY years older than me. Sheesh!

Anyway, the weekend was fun. I met new people, which is always great, and I guess I learned a little more about the gay culture, which is always useful. Maybe one of these days I'll understand it all.

I've been missing Justin a lot lately, yet not in the conventional way. The only time I ever miss him is when I go to bed, and I'm hugging my pillow, I remember how great he felt in my arms. "God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay." Thank The Postal Service and Iron & Wine for those lyrics. Other than that though, I really don't miss him. I was thinking the other day, I didn't even cry over Justin. Not one tear. Then, I couldn't even remember the last time I cried, which is very awkward to me. I am usually so in touch with my feelings. Maybe I've become numb.

Gay guys camp.

2007-08-22T17:02:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I was subjected to a new part of the culture to which I belong. Here in Indiana there is a gay campground. Weird right? Most of the gays I know are like, "Ewwww, dirt!" No no, there's plenty of others. My friend Neil invited me to go down with him in his RV, so it wasn't really roughing it by all means. He said he would provide plenty of alcohol, so of course I was swayed. Why not meet some new people anyway? Driving into the place, after buying a membership, I visibly was the only one there under 30. I'm thinking, "Shit...It's just a bunch of old bears." Well, I guess they're out in their natural habitat, eh? Anyway, we set up camp and stuff, and come 4 o'clock, it was time for the first cocktail. Why not, right? There's really nothing else to do. Enter James Denton. No no, not really, but he looked just like him. Neil was yelling at him out the window, so he came over to talk to us. We were introduced, and basically after that I just stared. Neil was telling him that he should shave, because he was looking a little scruffy, and out of nowhere, I was like, "I think it's sexy." Awkward silence...."Ok...I need to use the facilities, and I walked away. Anyway, the drinking ensued, and I was actually being very responsible about it. I didn't want to get completely hammered, because I didn't know anyone there really, and it was a big huge group of gay guys, who which many of were naked. Actually, I did really well until nearly the end of the night. The jello shots were really what got me, but I remember all of it. Anyway, there's what they call, "The Chicken Coop," which is basically an old barn that they've turned into some sort of sex pit. I walked in, saw the porn playing on the tele, and the swing, wait no, they call it a "sling," that was hanging by it, and a picnic table which had been modified with some padding on it. I was like, "What's that for........Oh...." Silly me. They were like, "It's a good thing you're pretty...." Anyway, this new friend I had made, Andrew, and I went to the chicken coop, because I wanted to check out the selection of porn, to see exactly what was appropriate sex watching while using a sling. Mind you, the alcohol was affecting me, and I had the awesome idea of trying out the sling. So Andrew laaded me up into it (your legs go up in stirrups! It felt like I was going to give birth!), fully clothed, I might add. So I'm laying in it, and honestly, it was pretty damn comfortable. It felt like a hammock! Some old guy appeared in the doorway, and I hurriedly jumped out of it as fast as I could saying, "No no, I'm not here for that..." and stuff along those lines. Luckily, I shooed him away, and I decided it was time to leave the coop. Later, I was told of, "Fort Dicks," (which I thought they should dub Fort Dix, because it's more classy) which is basically a privacy fence around a picnic table, and guys go there at night-time for anonymous sex. It's not right really, or safe, but that sort of thing is quite common with our culture. Anyway, Andrew and I went to it, because I was curious as to what it looked like, and luckily, no one was in there. 2 guys eventually did come in later, but I was trying to make it a social event, trying to get their names and introduce myself. When I was greeted with looks of disdain, I decided it was best if I were to pop out of there, just to make sure nothing actually happened to me that I didn't want to allow. Actually, I ended up hanging out with one of those guys the next day, but didn't realize it until halfway through. It was pretty unnerving, but I still had fun. There was a lot more promiscuity, and approaches by older men than I would've wanted, but other than that, it was enjoyable, and I got to meet some new people.

It's a little bit funny...

2007-08-16T19:29:00.000-04:00

It's a bit ridiculous trying to post at my house. My comptuer, plus the lack of a good connection speed, makes it almost an hour process to just publish one blog post.

I've been looking around lately, and thinking about getting in the dating pool once more. The thing is, all I seem to find are disappointments. Gay men, I swear, are the shadiest type of subculture there is. They are all full of promises, yet when it comes down to something realy, they flake out and disappear. This, of course, is basically referring to meeting people online. I'm not really a bar hopper, so I don't really have any place to meet any single men, so I get on chat rooms, mostly just gay.com. I have been bound to find many a good chat or two, but when it comes down to actually meeting or anything of the sort, the guy will suddenly get "kicked" offline, like that's even a valid excuse anymore. Honestly, how many people still use dialup? Or, I've even had it get so far that we will talk on the phone, and when it comes to getting directions to come pick them up, or something, their phone will miraculously die and I won't be able to get ahold of them again. Uh, hello, plug your damn phone in. It's not that hard.

A bit disappointing all around, but I've gotten cynically used to it.

The girlfriend's fine, I don't like you.

2007-08-14T03:35:00.000-04:00

I just got around to finally listening to Avril Lavigne's new album, "The Best Damn Thing." What the hell was she thinking? I don't care how happy you are now that you're married, there's no need to stoop down to cheerleader level, airheaded girl lyrics. Her second album, "Under My Skin" proved to show that she was actually a decent enough singer, and that she was maturing in her music style with songs like "Nobody's Home," and "Slipped Away." Now she's basically running around in underwear with soccer socks on in her video for "Girlfriend," acting like she was actually the popular girl in high school. I guess her standing as "punk" was controversial enough, so maybe she just decided to say fuck it, and become a full blown pop idiot. What is up with this album cover too, are those scissors in her hair?

Summary: terribly catchy lyrics...for a 14 year-old girl, or fag.

2 stars

I've returned

2007-08-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

I hope the hiatus hasn't been too long. I had to reformat my computer and get everything working again, and I'm finally back! I will be writing in here more frequently, because my other blogging community has pissed me off, and I will not be returning. You may notice a few changes in the format of things here. I will be writing about my life experiences, posting poems and short stories, making fun of celebrities, and offering reviews of books, movies and music. Kisses to my readers, and I hope you welcome and enjoy the change.

Justin and I are no longer together. We just didn't match at all. It was a pretty good break-up, and we talked a little after that, but then out of nowhere, he went immature and blocked me online. It was immaturity like that that bothered me about him so much sometimes. I still plug a few sentences into his email or text messages, and he responds nicely and like we're friends, yet I'm still blocked. Sometimes I miss him, and then I remember that.

If you aren't already, I would advise you to become familiar with The Raveonettes. "Pretty in Black" is one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. They sort of remind me of a mixture of The Beatles and Blondie.

I went back to Purdue last weekend to see some old friends, and it turned out to be a pretty positive experience. It's funny how nothing ever changes there, like Purdue is some sort of time capsule where some sort of immaturity stays within. I felt like I had grown so much from the individuals I visited. I went hope with a sense of pride and sadness simultaneously. It seems that I left part of my youth in that town, and I think that's why I'm so emotionless now.

2007-06-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

Americans are often left wanting more. I have given most of the blame for this on technology, because everything is so "instant gratification" these days that if there is any waiting or delay, we get pissed off that we aren't getting our way.

Dictionary.com offers many definitions of the word "more," but my favorite is, "something of greater importance. " Sometimes, still, I find myself wanting more. This often makes me feel selfish and devoid of any pride because really, why can't I just sit back and enjoy what I have? It's always like, "Awesome...I really wanted this Hard-Fi cd...but damn it! I want that Mika cd too!" Why can't I just sit back and enjoy listening to the Hard-Fi cd? The Hard-Fi cd will always be there for me, because...well...it's mine. The Hard-Fi cd is comforting, and pleases me when I need it to. So tell me, why is Mika over there calling my name?

I can tell you why. It's because I want more from Hard-Fi. MORE! At night, when I lie in bed and feel lonely, Hard-Fi isn't there holding me tight and wishing me off to dreamland. Hard-Fi isn't there to kiss me when I don't initiate it. Inanimate plastic tends to not move on its own...especially if it were to involve human emotions. The Hard-Fi cd sings me good songs, and I really like to listen to it...but sometimes I just want it to say more. Like suddenly I will buy the international version, imported from Britain, and it will have one extra song that will make everything complete. That I could finally sit there, and listen to everything Hard-Fi has to say, completely satisfied and happy.

Not to make anything better, but then you're living your life, and eventually you're friends are introduced to the Hard-Fi cd. Well, they don't like it! Blasphemous I tell you! Can they not tell what good music is when they hear it? Hard-Fi makes me happy, and that's all that should matter. You bringing down the cd with all of your negative speak about how weird a song or two is doesn't help me. It actually just makes me doubt my judgement of the cd. I was completely happy, and impressed with Hard-Fi's talent, but now you've gone and suggested something, and the little voice in the back of my mind that MAY have had a criticism, is coming out to meet and greet your opinion, and trying to see if they would be good friends.

So now I want even more from Hard-Fi, like suddenly, they have to reprove their talent to me.

Just maybe I will find that import, and Hard-Fi will give me just the little bit more I want. We'll see...but eventually I will get tired of Hard-Fi, if they can't muster up the talent that Mika is willing to give me.

Pride?

2007-06-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

Yesterday kicked off the "big weekend" as a lot of the gays call it. It is Indy's Pride weekend. You might compare this to a Mardi Gras of sorts, because it seems to be the perfect excuse to go and make the biggest ass of yourself as possible. Pride? Really? I'm not sure if I could run around claiming that I'm this so-called "proud" to be gay. I mean, I'm comfortable with myself, but I live a different life compared to a lot of the other queers. Since it's pride, everyone seems to believe that they must pull out their most ridiculous outfits accesorized by rainbow bracelets, shirts saying, "I love cock" and so on. I don't know about you, but I definitely want to go celebrate with a bunch of ass-less chaps, leather suspender wearin, whip carrying, make-up wearing, shirtless fags running around saying "Heyyyy gurrrrrl." Pride, to the gays, apparently means "the loss of dignity for oneself." I'm gay, sure, but I'd like to think that I fit in a little bit more in the world. I look for a long-term relationship, hopefully some day turning into a family. I wear decent clothing, nothing TOO gay. I don't run around with shirts on saying, "Ew, vagina!" So tell me, why would I want to go "celebrate" being gay, with a bunch of guys that make me ashamed of what I am. THIS is the shit that gets televised, and those god-loving, difference haters see on tv, and just solidify their hatred for the homosexual community. Who wouldn't? Hell, I'm gay, and when I see a bunch of half naked fags running around in super shiny silver speedos, waving rainbow flags and humping everything within a 5-foot proximity, I'm embarassed. Embarassed for them, and embarassed for me, because that's the community I "represent."

Unless you haven't guessed, I will not be attending Pride this year, or any year near in the future.

New Knowledge

2007-05-25T14:20:00.001-04:00

It seems Justin and I are now official and all the business. It's been 2.5 years since I've had a boyfriend. I can no longer be that cynical single guy who hates couples! Such sadness... No longer will I have the crazy drunken nights out, dancing, having fun, meeting new people...Actually...more like forgetting everything, being told who kissed me the night before, receiving phone calls from guys that I apparently enchanted the night before and I can't even remember their name, coming home to the lonliness, an empty bed, no one to share anything with... Yeah, I'm really going to miss being single...let me tell ya... Having someone special in your life is really a positive. (Go ahead and puke, Jarred.) Hell, I've lost 15 pounds since I met him. At the launch of seeing him, at first I wasn't sure if, in fact, I was ready to "settle down," as some may say. I was still lingering on those crazy nights that I'd spent, but really, sometime you have to grow up. It's odd and ironic that it took a 20 year old to teach me that. We're getting older, and it's not all fun and games anymore. I mean, sure, it's ok to go out every now and then and have some fun, but if, like at the beginning of college, is a party every night of the week, it's almost pitiful. I, of all people, finally know this.

Stolen Lyrics

2007-05-22T01:31:00.000-04:00

It's Monday, thus meaning my weekend date is over. Friday he picked me up, and we went back to his place, ordered pizza and played N64 all night. I apparently can't fight in the battle mode...I'm only good racing the cups.

Saturday we got up and went to lunch at this Guatemalan place that wasn't the best of food, and headed over to see the civil war re-enactment. It was kind of strange. It was a good 20-25 minutes of shooting before someone died. Also, it ended with the Confederates winning. I understand that they DID win some battles, but you think if they're depicting a battle, they would choose the one that was important...ya know...where the Union won. He asked me to stay the night again later on.

Chinese for dinner, bottle of wine, finally I kissed him, played N64, watched some comedy. Something seemed to be missing though: affection. I'm a very affectionate guy, when it comes to dating. I pretty much like to be near, touching, or cuddling anytime we can. It's not like we can openly do that in public, so when I'm in private, I'm like "Put it on me!" He seemed perfectly fine with sitting on the couch like we were two straight guys, or strangers. It bothered me, and honestly I was just ready for Ellen to shut the fuck up so we could go to bed and Sunday, the day I would go home would come sooner. While sitting on the love seat, I said something about looking for an affectionate partner, and I mentioned something along the lines, "So it's not lookin' good for you!" I know it was a joking tone, but I was totally being sincere, and he seemed to shrug it off. Later, in bed, I was ready to end things. He started petting my hand, like I was a cat, and I told him, "Don't even try now...it's too late." Then it sprung into my mind that this meant I would never see him again, and I decided to engage in a conversation about our intentions and feelings. It was really my first conversation of that kind, since Baker never said anything with meaning unless it was online. So I kind of felt like I was just throwing things out there, and he wasn't really answering that well, but I decided I'd give it a shot. We cuddled in bed and such, but once again, on Sunday, it pretty much stopped after the day had started. He seems reluctant to kiss me, turning his head when one should be interested in doing just so.

It concerns me, because this is the launch of a possible relationship, and this is the stage that usually people are all over each other, or at least want to be. I'm afraid that if it's already like this, what's going to happen when the dust settles? Never touch? I couldn't do that. It's strange, I'm finally sitting here at the initiation of a relationship, and I'm looking at possibly throwing it away. I never thought it'd be like this, but I've never had anyone act this way. I guess it's strange going from Andrew to Justin, because from the first date, Andrew couldn't keep off of me, and I liked it. It's almost like I've traveled to the other pole.

I know I feel like I'm singing "More Than Words," by Westlife. (Click the title of the song there and you can refresh your memory on those lyrics.) I couldn't get that song out of my head all day, and then oddly enough I heard it at Wendy's when we were eating. I like the boy a bunch. He called today and after talking to him I grew fond of him again, and can't really imagine giving it all away. I guess I need to just be patient.

Impending...

2007-05-17T04:19:00.000-04:00

Turns out Justin took me to dinner last night at Joe's Crab Shack, so that would technically be the 3rd date. Now, since date 4 is already established, I'm pretty sure he's going to be the first guy to make it passed the 3rd date mark. It's been decided that for timing, traveling distance and such for the re-enactment, that I will be staying the night at his place on Friday. He's picking me up after he gets off work, so that should be anytime from 5-6, doing dinner...then, shit, I don't know. I mean, I've never been in this situation. Does the "staying over" part indicate that I am expected to have sex with him? Truth be told, I'm not ready for things to move into a sexual relationship. Honestly, I've never really had that happen....this way anyway. With Baker, everything was drunk, so it didn't really count b/c we didn't have inhibitions anyway. This so-called relationship I have with Justin has been entirely sober.

So really, the dilemma is this: Justin and I have been on 3...semi to very good dates. But...we have yet to kiss. I'm not sure if he's one of those wait around for me to make a move, or what, but it's kind of ridiculous. I'm personally acting like the wait around for a move type, because I don't feel consciously comfortable around him. He's in much better shape than I am...like hard belly and everything...that I don't feel equal enough in superiority to make the move, because he could be like "Ew...this fat, sweaty, and gross man is touching me..." (I've actually heard him utter those words in a story about someone else.) He makes little gestures, like coming in to meet my mother yesterday after dinner. Then we played N64, (because we're just THAT cool) and during Mario Kart he kept tickling me/wrestling...all that good flirty stuff, I assume to drop down the barriers of touching. As we were like cuddling, (Mind you, the only thing of his actually touching me were his legs, he was nowhere near putting his arm around me or anything like me) I kissed him on the cheek, and I'm about 73.5% sure that he went "Tssss...." (You know, that sound people make when they think something is stupid; usually equipped with a roll of the eyes) So I'm like hmmm....strange. Later, he proceeds to put my hand on his crotch, and, well...it was awkward. I didn't do much of anything except for keep removing my hand from there! I'm like SERIOUSLY! What are you wanting? I'm not going to sit here and jack you off while my mother is in the other room. I'm certainly not JUST going to jack you off because you think I'm a hideous beast and wouldn't dream of returning anything near the same favor.

So really now...What IS to be expected of this weekend. Jarred says that because I'm staying the night that we are a couple. I don't think that's true at all...especially with the gays.

Maybe he has a mouth phobia. Anyway...I'm just kind of frustrated about being sincerely clueless.

The Cynical Hopeless Romantic

2007-05-14T00:03:00.000-04:00

Today turned out to be a suprisingly efficient day. I went to dinner for Mother's Day at my Aunt Christi's house, and then stopped by Jarred's to see how graduation went.

Sigh... Then my mother dragged me to Taco Bell, which was actually a task with an alterior motive. She wanted to "talk" about my life situation, where I see things going, what's dragging me down, why I'm still in depression, why I'm so angry at her all the time...and so on. The conversation I NEVER really wanted to have, and pretty much avoided at all costs by running out the door so she can't capture me. It actually turned out to be a rather productive speech. I said things that, in hindsight, might not have said with some clear thinking, but I think all the pent-up rage being released was a healthy, growing excercise between our relationship. A lot of our anger is redirected from whom it should be focused on...THE OLD PEOPLE.

Date #3 with Justin is planned this weekend. We're going to see a Civil War re-enactment. I know some of you may say "oh....AWESOME," (Jarred), but I've gotta give 'em somethin'. That's certainly the first time I've been asked out to one of those. It was so funny the way he asked, so proper and planned. "I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to this Civil War re-enactment, and then afterward I thought we could go back to my place and see where things go." I had to hold back a chuckle at the thoughtful, pre-planned delivery, but I thought it was kind of adorable that he spent the time doing just so. Our phone conversations are so pleasing, that I wish I could break the barrier down and get that connection in real life. Now that I know his intentions, I think I can do that. We were talking about raising children as a joke, and he was talking about his kids and Father's Day, and I said something like, "Well, I'm sure that's where the mother figure uses her money and SAYS it's from the kids." (The gift of course.) He replied saying that there would be no mother figure, and I was a little exasperated saying that I assumed he would be raising children with a partner. He said, "Oh...so...that'd be you!" You know me, I melted a little (puke), and I introduced him to my ultimate power of making something romantic and then ripping it all away.

An excerpt.

Me: "At least I'd get to spend time with you."

...............

Me: Puke...I can't believe I said that. See what I did there, I was romantic then took it all away as to show my two sided feelings toward relationships. The cynical hopeless romantic.

2007-05-01T14:02:00.000-04:00

I seemed to have lost all of my readers. I guess that's what you get for taking an unannounced hiatus. I didn't announce it because it wasn't planned. I slid back into the darkness, and it had taken me over. I didn't feel like sharing this with anyone because it just seems so expected and incessant.

My birthday was on Sunday, so I am now 22. I'm getting ready to make some changes in my life, so I'm making sure I'm focusing on the future to make sure everything works out ok.

Writings About Nothing

2007-04-25T03:22:00.000-04:00

Oh....this week. The first part of it was spent digging up a tree stump. Stupid me had to suggest it, and it ONLY took two days of work that my body didn't seem to enjoy. It's late, I realize, but I can't get on a normal sleep rhythm again. Also, there's bugs in my house, so I'm constantly hitting myself to get the bugs off. It's getting ridiculous.

Dead week I'm finding doesn't really exist here at IUPUI. I guess it never was treated the way it was really supposed to be at Purdue though. I can't believe the semester's already over. I'm quite certain this is going to be my last semester....for a while, at least. I have to get a full-time job, for real. I need to start paying off some of this college shit, and trying to set myself up on my own. Living with my mother hasn't really been that bad though. Honestly, I think it's a much healthier living situation than it was with Kristen and April. There isn't such unnecessary drama in my atmosphere that has nothing to do with me. At least here I know it's just between my mother and me.

....That's for about oh...6 more days. Then the Leviathon returns....Grandma. Let's all join in on one goddamn big SIGH...

I predict about 3 weeks I'll be wanting out of the house faster than a male dog mounts a bitch in heat.

It's funny. Sometimes I feel like I really just need someone to come into my life and make it over. Get me a job, an apartment, reliable friends [not saying that the one I have is nothing of the sort...He's probably more reliable than anyone else I know.] and a car....and I would happily just jump in working and start paying for everything that has been bestowed upon me. Yet, it's not that easy. I wish it was, but it wasn't. I have no motivation to go out and succeed in finding all this shit for myself, because it's difficult! I mean, I haven't been employed by a REAL job [not including the orchard...b/c c'mon....really?] for about 2 years. It's ridiculous. What sensible employer would be like YES! Let's employ this bastard who has been doing nothing in his life for...well, let's face it, the past 4 years. Going to college directly out of high school was probably the worst decision I've ever made in my life. Was it just me, or did everyone else feel like they needed to take a year or so off to go explore the world and figure out what's important to them....and possibly find their intended career. Let's look at the past. Oh...Exactly 4 years ago, I was sitting here, so freaking excited to leave high school, cut loose of the bullshit, drama, and friends I didn't need holding me back, and head to Purdue to start my career in Pre-Veterinary medicine. Man...was that deluded. Little did I know I'd enter Purdue and it only take a good 3 months to realize that what I had wanted to do my entire life was not at all what I expected it to be. "Bam! Bitch goes down." [Thank you Tatum, from Scream.] I wandered through Purdue, meandering not finding anything that I liked or excelled at except for partying. I mean really, besides tutoring Lauren in math, I really didn't do anything productive there. I was majoring in partying, and we all know it. Hell, I had two fucking minors in it as well.

I like this Journalism major though. It's "morphenomenal." What I don't like though, are all these bullshit classes I have to take that don't really pertain to my degree. This isn't the best example, because it could actually be used, but I have to take 2 years of a foreign language. Do you KNOW what that fucking means? Just because of that, I have AT LEAST a year and a half left at IUPUI. [spits on UC.]

Ok, I'm gonna stop and try to look at the positives in my life.

I met a boy. His name is Andrew, and we hit it off really well. He's 6'6, but unlike some of the other tall guys I've met, it doesn't make me feel inferior. He's just an all out cool guy, who understands a little bit where I'm coming from. Out last date kind of sucked though, because he was tired, I was tired AND also suffering from withdrawls of nicotine. The date ended awkward with him saying, "I'll see ya when I see ya," and not kissing me. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to see him again, and that sucks. [Oh wait...that wasn't really a positive was it. DAMN!]
Something that isn't necessarily a positive, but I thought was pretty damn funny. The other day someone was bitching to me about something, and I was like, "Wow, that sucks. I'm really sorry for you?" They were like, "What?" and I responded as, "Um....I don't really know. I was trying to be nice. I'm not very good at it." That would be a lol pronounced "lull" from me.

Ok...positives. Ok! I've been finding a lot of sweet music lately. I'm really digging Josh Ritter, The Matt White Band, My Morning Jacket, Sondre Lerche, The Feeling, Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, Amy Winehouse, and Wilco. Some of you are going...."Huh?" Shut up, I know you don't know them....go open up your horizons a little ok Johnny? It's not just fields and 5 cent colas anymore. The Pete Yorn latest album, "Nightcrawler," is amazing. Bloc Party's new cd, "A Weekend in the City" really disappointed me, but it's still listenable. [With the exception that track #5 is amazing.] I musn't lie, I was a little disappointed when I found out the lead singer was black....changed my whole perception of the band. For all you club bumping alcoholics [Like me!] will like the new Timbaland album, "Timbaland Presents: Shock Value." The title makes sense once you listen to the cd. Rarely do you hear much actual vocals from him. It's mostly guest performances by people like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Nicole Scherzinger, She Wants Revenge [awesome song], Fall Out Boy, The Hives, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre, Missy Elliot, and of course, the amazing Elton John. You might notice he's produced a few of those artist's cds. Coincidence? If you don't think so then you're an idiot.

That was positive!

positives: I love peanut butter. I love mexican food....severely. I love Cherry Coke Zero...it's just amazing.

Ok...so you can just go ahead and sit me at the "Girls who eat their feelings table." [Uh thank you, "Mean Girls."]

Wow, I typed a freaking book. Oh! Something funny. I had a dream last night about prom. That's right, high school prom. All I really remember from it was that I was going with Jessica, and we were supposed to meet somewhere and she wasn't there. Then I found her eating McDonald's, AT SCHOOL, with Mr. Barnett. She was all mad at me because I stood her up. I was like "Whatever," [in my best "Clueless" Ambular voice], and then it was fast forward to the prom, and she had a black dress on. Then...here comes the twist. I was being married in a boat to Cleopatra, and we sailed away, but then the King was with Jennifer Gardner as Sidney on "Alias," and he slit Sidney's throat, and carved a deep X into my arm. Bleeding like a bitch out the neck, Sidney still tried to stop the bleeding, and she was insulted at the King that he cut me there because I had previous slit my wrists in my life. [Whoops! That's not fictional.] I was getting tired in my dream, because I was bleeding to death. Slowly my vision started closing in, I couldn't breath....and then I awoke in bed, sweating like a girl with a drunken jock down her neck at a roofie party, and gasping for breath. Good times....good times.

I conclude my writings about nothing with some reccomendations.

Movie: Hot Fuzz
cd: My Morning Jacket: Z
song: "Never Be Lonely," by The Feeling
book: "The Time Machine," by H.G. Wells

[Photo Credit: Mark Mumford (http://www.jamesharrisgallery.com)

I've been down so long...

2007-04-20T03:20:00.000-04:00

I'm going through a lot of emotions lately. Technically I should be a Senior in college, but all my fuck ups ruined that. Now, everyone that is my age is graduating in a few weeks, and I feel left out. I feel so unaccomplished, and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm failing this semester.

I met this guy, Andrew. Our first date was amazing. We ended up back at my place, and stayed up til 5 on the couch cuddling. We stayed up so late because we were geniunely having fun, and wanted to be with each other. A few days later, we went out again. We went to Chili's for dinner...and that's really all we had time for, because he had some other stuff to attend to, but he wanted to see me. The date sucked. Like, it was so bad we were actually mentioning to each other how bad it sucked. He was tired, I was tired and going through cigarette withdrawls, and we barely spoke. Now I'm kind of afraid he's giving up, but I can't help but want to pursue, especially if we're only at a 50/50 rate. He's 6'6, and boy does that turn me on. I'm 6'0, so it's not often that I find men taller than me. He's just very masculine, down to earth, and honestly seems attracted to me.

God...my emotions are out of control. My thoughts have changed from, "God...I wish I were dead," to "There's a lot of pills in my closet." I know it's not healthy. I don't know why the darkness has taken me over again. It's like my shadow has moved and is covering my focus. I go through life, one failure to the next, and I know I have so much more in me, but I can't control what happens. It's like I'm living life from afar. It shouldn't be this way. I even took my doctor's advice and started working out 3x or more a week, and really have been keeping up on my meds. I'm beginning to think I was just born a shadow. I was born with no hope inside of me. I can't help but see it reflect back at me, not in a mirror, but in my friend's and family's eyes. It's beginning to get so that I can't look my mother in the face. I know it's probably just me reflecting my feelings from myself onto them, but I go through everyday feeling so tainted with disapproval and failure.

Jeez...I need to find another therapist. I haven't been to one since December b/c she went off my insurance. I miss having an open ear, without opinion.

I'm very disappointed with the new Bloc Party album. Their first album was near genius, and then they sophomore with a sold out, almost Fall Out Boy album...it's sad.

On another note, you should check out the album "Picaresque" by The Decemberists.

Transparent Smile

2007-02-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

I don't feel very good right now. In the past two weeks, 2 people I've known have died, both from serious battles with bad diseases. I found out about the second one today, who was one of my favorite teachers in high school. When I had her 4 years ago she was doing chemo, and everything was fine. She had no hair and such, but she was always so brave and happy, and put her problems off just so she could change the lives of some teenagers.

So, I was already in a bad mood, and I sign on to facebook and I see that this guy that I BRIEFLY dated....like...we hung out as friends for a while, then it sort of flew into a fling and then all of the sudden he met someone else. Well, I see that he's now "engaged," well, as engaged as a gay man can be, and it's NOT even to the guy who he met that ended things with me and him. I'm sorry, but I can't help but be pissed off. Here he is, MY age, planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, and I'm pushing guys away as much as possible.

Then I think, it's really my fault. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I have CHOSEN to be single. I have chosen to focus on myself, because right now I really really hate myself. Sometimes I just feel really behind everyone else. My therapist and I used to work on feelings of rejection and being left out because I didn't get the "true" socialization in high school because I never got to date and do the "stupid" relationships that teenagers often do in the early years. Nope, I was seemingly the wise one they all came to for advice, not because I had experience, but because I had an outside view. Somehow, I used to identify more with older people, or parents back then, because they weren't doing the stupid shit that I couldn't stand seeing my friends do.

NOW, I'm doing the stupid shit. I cant help it, it's my goddamn time! BUT, AGAIN, I'm left behind. Everyone else has moved on, and they're fucking committing themselves to people for the REST of their fucking lives! I can't EVEN imagine that. Hell, I can barely imagine letting someone in for more than one or two dates. It just seems like I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'm just somewhere else emotionally. There's this one guy who's so interested in me, and he's just fucking annoying me. He's like "Let's hang out!" "Let's hang out!" and I'm like "JESUS CHRIST! I don't have any time."

I don't know. When I seem to find time, I'm usually so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Eat, sleep, study. Sigh...

Cold-Hearted Snake

2007-02-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

Uh-thank you Paula Abdul.

Things are quite a bit different in my life right now. A few weeks back I officially declared myself "off the market." That is, of course, the dating market. I'm not cool enough to have stock in myself...yet. It's this great, clarifying change. I no longer have this need to be with someone, to not feel lonely, and to feel like I'm finally loved. It's strange that you can go on living your life for so long having so many people love you but you take it all for granted. Family..friends...pets...that's the good stuff.

Somehow, on another note, guys seem to be all over me now. Which is strange because I feel in my life that I am the worst I've ever been self-esteem wise. I'm playing the field, but all I'm doing is throwing strike outs. I'm emotionally unavailable somehow. I can spend the most romantic moment with someone, and not feel a damn thing. There's this one guy, Rich, who I have decided I can no longer see because he's falling for me too hard. Where are my feelings? Hell if I know, but they're not there. I've spent the night over there many times, and I'm pretty sure he's in the illusion that we are dating. Which is rather funny because last time I was with him I was so disgusted that I had to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore. It's just not cool being with someone who's totally head over heels for you, and you have nothing there for them except for friendship. There's also a boy named Daniel who I met at the bar, and another one who I met the following week at the same bar. They both seem to like me a bunch too. It's strange, these are actually guys that at one point in time I could have settled with and probably had a long, productive relationship. Somehow, I'm more interested in these two guys I know from online. Maybe it's just physical, I don't know. But I feel more and more like a "promiscuous boy" (thanks Nelly Furtado) and I'm not sure that I like it.

I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's rather an unfortunate time for this to happen, especially it being round 1 of exam time. I think I got through it pretty well though.

Suggested Listen: "Come Around" by Rhett Miller

The Night Before Life Goes On...

2007-02-02T15:26:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm having a party. It wasn't really my choice, but it was let known that it was being thrown for me. So I made up a guest list and sent out invites and stuff, and I can't help but feel a little down about who rvsp'd negatively. Some little part of my mind I guess was hoping someone like Zach or Justin would show up, and maybe I could mend a little something with them. I don't really like having people out there thinking ill of me, since already, just because I'm homosexual, that's happening anyway.

A lot has seemed to be leading up to this day. I did have my EEG this morning, but I won't find out until mid next week what it says.

As I once promised, I am going to start editing, "Written, With Love," and will soon post it on here for your reading pleasure. I'm not quite sure if I like the ending, but whatever. I will have to post it as a document, if I can do that...because it's kind of a long story.

I'm working on another, SHORT story called, "The Beast of Burden." I'll update!

Funny

2007-02-01T00:15:00.000-05:00

So I finally asked Justin why it ended. The undefined ending was really bothering me, and I had a lot of time today to hash out my feelings and thoughts. Eventually, I decided that I needed a reason to hate him. If I could hate him, I could process these residual emotions and move on with things, free to be whatever. Finally I messaged him, kind of harshly to be truthful. It went something along these lines:

Phoenix: Cliff's Notes version, I need a reason to hate you. If I can find one, I can process and move on freely. We both know you are a bastard, so just let me know what shallow, insincere, thoughtless reason you ended things for.

Well, eventually it came down to it...He thinks I'm VERBALLY DOMINEERING. I chuckle at that, because I actually put those words in his mouth. Originally, it went something lik-a-dis..."Boi, u two smart 4 me." Hahahahaha, no, just playing. It was like, "You make me feel stupid when you talk to me because I feel strange that I don't always know what you are talking about."

Funny. So, actually, it turns out that, in fact, I was too good for HIM!

Destruction

2007-01-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

It's strange how I feel sometimes. After the conversation, I was really upset, but I held it in because my friends were there. We played some Phase 10 after, and I was shaking really hard, but other than that, I didn't show any physical remorse. It got time where I was home alone, and I had it all planned out that I was going to listen to love songs and cry, but when I got down to it, the tears didn't come. It actually scared me a little. I don't want to become jaded enough that I just expect this shit.

A few days later, something kind of funny happened and I was clicking on Justin's name to tell him about it. Then I thought to myself that I shouldn't do that. It sucks! I mean, not only did I lose a "potential," as I call them, but I also lost a friend. I wanted to talk to him, but self respect didn't let me do so.

Eventually, I decided that I was going to message him, and it was pretty much the most demeaning conversation. Not only did it only consist of like 11 lines, but it was obviously apparent that he was completely done with me. So much for the friend speech, huh?

Now, I really just have nothing left. My desire for another has been killed. It's kind of relieving though, I can focus on my schoolwork uninhibited, and I can focus on bettering myself FOR ME, and not for someone else. I guess it's just all not really meant for me right now, which I've accepted and moved on. Relief and a little sadness fill me, but it's more relief, because I finally don't feel like falling in love is the only thing I need in my life. Now I can focus on better things, like friends, food, and school. My mother and I seem to be getting closer as well. It's MUCH better back at home now. The hostility of my apartment was really killing me on the inside, and it's not WWIII at my house anymore since my grandparents are gone. So I'm full-time back at my mother's, and it's going well.

February 2nd I get my tests done to see if I can finally drive again! I'm hoping it all turns out well.

The conversation.

2007-01-13T05:42:00.000-05:00

Justin: Hey there!
Me: Hi.
Justin: What's up?
Me: Nothing, I want to shoot myself. I'm babsitting. Please be nice, come over, and shoot me in the face. Please and thanks.
Justin: lol
Me: I'm gonna shower.
Justin: Later.

(I did that because I was already a little ticked off at him b/c all week he told me he was going to go out with us last night to the bar, and then didn't.)

Later...

Me: Back.
Justin: cool.
Me: What are your plans tonight?
Justin: Nothing.
Me: Oh, Awesome.
Justin: I know, right!
Me: I'm not doing anything either.
Justin: I think my roommates are home now, maybe.
Me: Ok, have fun.

slight pause in time.

Justin: Do you hate me?
Me: Not at all. Why?
Justin: I would if I were you.
Me: Why? Because you're avoiding me?

no response.

Me: lol, whatever. Go hang out with your roommates. Later.
Me: I will be here later if you want to talk.

time passes.

Justin: Ok.

time passes.

Justin: I just don't really know what to say. I never really felt a spark between us, and I was going to tell you that we should just be friends, but you were just so sweet so I thought I'd see where things led. Then I left to go home for break, and I actually missed you, and was excited to come back and see you. I love going out with you, and had a lot of fun last weekend, but then things got awkward. I don't know, I really think we just should be friends because I have a lot going on this semester, finishing school and such.

Me: I don't want to be friends.
Justin: Oh...um...Why?
Me: Because I'm already passed that point.
Justin: Oh.
Me: So, I will just let you go. See ya.

slight pause.

Me: Wait, why were things awkward?

no response.

Me: No no, don't do this. At least you could finish the conversation.
Justin: It just was when we were in bed.
Me: Um, ok.
Justin: But I really do have to go.
Justin: Sorry if I'm an ass.

Yeah...so I guess it's over. After this, I walked to the table to play cards with my friends and I couldn't talk, because I knew if I talked or even looked at them, I'd cry, so I just played a few rounds, shaking profusely, and then started to feel a little better. I told the girls the story, and they were just like "what an ass."

It all comes down to this. He thought it was awkward when we were in bed. So basically, he doesn't like the way I look naked. Shallow bastards. All of them. Shallow faggots.

Suggested Listen: BBMak- Ghost of You and Me

SHIT

2007-01-10T04:18:00.000-05:00

I can't help it. I like him that much. He said he was in his "online meeting" tonight, which I guess I can't hold against him b/c he actually WAS online, and DID respond to me after like 20 minutes...So I can't assume it was a hookup like I was thinking before.

You see this? I distrust EVERYONE. Even my family, because I know their agenda. They try to hide it, but they are secretly broadcasting it to my senses, and I'm not retarded. Maybe I'm paranoid, you might say that, but others might say I'm just a realist, like my best friend. We go through every situation that could happen, so we are prepared for it all. No one wants to go into something cluelessly and have their integrity ripped apart.

So, yes, I like Justin. I hate myself for this. I hate that I want to dig into that hole. I mean, it's like the more I see him, I fall deeper and deeper. Eventually, I'm gonna hit the bottom of that hole, and I'm there, on the cold floor, in love with him. Eventually, as it always does, it will end. Again, I will be left there on that floor, though, no longer companioned, I will be left alone, sad, hateful, and too tired to continue life. This is why I'm so scared. Scared of what I might do to myself. New territory excites and scares me the same. What I'll do? No one knows...

I decided.

2007-01-09T14:30:00.000-05:00

I chose Justin. He finally is back from winter vacation, and we had our first sleep over at his house. It was really, really nice. He took me out for a few drinks, danced a little, then we just spent the rest of the night in bed and watching movies. Well, that should be "watching." haha. Though, it was a little awkward, I'm not gonna lie. We attempted to have sex, and I don't know if I was too drunk or what, which I don't think I was, but it didn't work. Like, it just wouldn't go in and stay in...lol, I don't know. That was kind of awkward. Then the next morning we were making out and he was on top of me, and we were kissing and then all of the sudden he was breathing a lot harder and started to moan a little. I thought I felt wetness on my stomach, but I was like 'no....he couldn't have.' He rolled off of me, and I reach down to find that, sure enough, he had splooged all over my belly. He was then in this strange 'Don't touch me,' mode, so I felt a little neglected. That left me a little pissed off, and still horny, so we barely spoke on the ride home. Actually, on that ride home I got so pissed off in our silence that I thought to myself, 'God, I don't want to see him ever again.'

Then, after going home, taking a shower, and going to my job interview, my mind was clear enough to think about him again, and I was overwhelmed with this awesome sense of desire. I can't help it, I simply adore him. I did catch myself that morning looking over at him and thought, 'Jeez...look at my cute boyfriend. Woah...calm down, he's not your boyfriend yet.' LoL. I can't help what I think sometimes. I really started to freak out, like seriously almost had a panic attack at dinner with my family because I'm so in new territory, and I don't know what I think about.

Yesterday I was kind of still flipping out, because he hasn't necessarily been paying much attention to me, like he may be avoiding me. When I brought it up to my friend Tony, he was like, "Dude, just chill out, if you fall in love, then it will happen when it happens. Just let things happen, and don't think too much." He's so right! I mean, fuck it! If he doesn't want to spend time with me then clearly I don't need to be wasting anything on him. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. If we do continue to see each other, which I hope we do, I am going to try to not bring up the "exclusive talk," and wait to see if he will.

'Til next time...

The Tear

2006-12-19T04:52:00.000-05:00

He lay his head down to rest on the pillow normally designated as rest on the living room couch. He was certain that he had happiness inside of him, and was surprised to find that his cheeks were moistened. Were these tears of sadness coming from somewhere inside, somewhere he had been hiding from himself?
The boy’s thoughts fleeting through his past days.
Nearly a week ago, it was decided between the two that a day date should take place. Justin was to drive down to visit, and go see a movie….
**********
When Justin walked through the door, I was elated to see him. Though a mere two days had separated them, it was enough to long for his touch. I walked toward him, and leaned down to kiss him gently, and smile back at him when he goofed out a little greeting. He reached out to offer me his homemade chili that he had the night before promised to bring me.
I moved him to the couch, and we cuddle a little, discussing what we had foreseen for the day. He needed to do a little shopping for some friends, and I obliged. Also, we planned for a movie.
After the shopping, I directed him to the theatre, and we decided up seeing “Stranger Than Fiction,” because I thought it looked good, but mostly it was the only thing on around that time. I bought his tickets, and we headed into the theatre, after buying the free concessions offered to us.
We were the only two in the theatre, so we cuddled just as much as we wanted, and during the boring parts, kissed each other fervently. It was nice to have him all to myself, for once, without roommate distraction.
We left the movie, a little disappointed with the performance the silver screen gave us, and decided just to head back to the apartment.
I led him straight to the couch, where we joked around, kissed, touched, and just had plain had fun.
The time had arrived for him to leave, and I was a little sad, but I knew it was forthcoming. With a long kiss goodbye, I sat down, full of happiness, yet still mixed in with some confusion.
Who knew what laid ahead for us. I could only sit there full of hope, with a silly grin upon my face.
The next night, the roomies and I planned on going out to the bar, in which I was going to be the tag-along, or 3rd wheel, whichever you prefer. In retaliation, I called Justin to invite him as my date, but he didn’t answer, so I promptly left a message.
I was disappointed when I didn’t hear back from him, but nonetheless, had fun.
The following day arrived, and I woke up and signed online. Justin messaged me saying, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I’m sick, and I just found out my grandma died.”
Forgiven. I mean, you can’t even remotely be mad at someone when they give that as an explanation.
He proceeded to tell me that he would be going home the next day. I was overcome with sadness, because “home” meant Illinois, and that meant I would not be seeing him over the holidays. I couldn’t really express my disappointment too much, because we aren’t a couple, and I didn’t want to load on too much. I definitely didn’t want him to feel any bit of guilt for leaving me, especially with a deceased family member to deal with.
“So…I am not going to see you for a while,” I asked, though I knew, still hoping he might say differently.
“Nope,” he replied.
“Sad.”
I couldn’t really say more than that, because I’m not good with sympathy. I offered my condolences and scattered quickly offline to leave it at that.
Departure Day had arrived, and I was downtown eating with the family. My original intention shattered by death of having him meet my family during this annual gathering of ours. Eating at the Old Spaghetti Factory, I couldn’t help but notice we were only 2 blocks from another, him being at the Purdue vs. Butler basketball game.
In a lame attempt at contact, I called with the apparent reason to ask him who won, only I knew I just wanted to talk to him. He offered no response on the phone, and a message was followed. Nervously, I gabbed out something stupid, hanging up and hitting myself subconsciously for being stupid.
**********

The boy waited for a response. The wait was normal, yet still not bearable.
He was offered nothing the rest of the day.
Or the following.
Yet, he was surprised at the events that were to occur this second day of waiting…
**********

Aimlessly wandering among the web, I was surprised to find someone from my past reappear. Jon and I had met once before, and hit it off entirely. He was a fellow student at my college, and our date turned out to be stimulating and casually fun.
I inquired as to what happened to him, because he had disappeared from the face of the earth since our meeting. He apologized in response, and told me what had been going on with him.
Surprisingly, he asked me to a movie. I agreed, and before I knew it, I was riding beside him in his car once again.
It was awkward, but not seeing him again. It’s like seeing an old friend, where you know them somewhat, but you know they’ve changed.
We attended a showing of “Happy Feet,” with only 2 other couples in attendance. Even though there was a couple behind us, in plain view of the two of us, I still grabbed his hand.
Why, you may ask, because I’m previously invested in Justin? Well, simply because I wanted to. So that’s that.
We continued to move closer and closer to one another, him finally resting his head on my shoulder.
At the conclusion of the movie, the 2 other couples exited the theatre, and I offered him a kiss as an expression of my gratitude for the movie. It was a great kiss. A slight, tender pause, and it was over, yet it lingered. Lingered so much that I continued it after buckling my safety belt in his vehicle.
We decided then to go grab some food, and ended up at La Bamba, because it was the only restaurant open that late at night. Good food, and good company, always leaves me with a smile.
After, he brought me back to his place, where we shared some cigarettes, and had some very long kissing sessions.
His roommate then came home, and I met him and his friend, who were both very welcoming, and easy to talk with. Though, that has never really been a problem of mine.
They invited me to partake in smoking some bowls, but I refused, and Jon offered watching a movie.
The movie turned into a kiss, a kiss into making out, making out into him leading me to the bedroom, the bedroom leading to being nude, and some friendly touching. We ended up making out for over six freaking hours. It was amazing. I can’t lie.
Waking up, I was greeted with a minty kiss, which also turned into another make out session. We cuddled, and then decided to go grab some food and go shopping. I had to finish my seasonal shopping, so we opted for a restaurant connected to the mall.
Good food and good company continued. I dropped money like I had it and it was fun.
In Old Navy, looking at baby clothes, I stole a kiss when no one was near. He was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. Moving to the men’s section, hanging in the pajama section was this hat that appealed greatly to my senses.
“This hat is awesome,” I said.
“Um, no it’s not,” he cajoled.
“It’s adorable! I love it!”
“It’s stupid.”
“You crazy…” I laughed.
Finally done with shopping, I offered for him to come meet my roommates, and he eagerly agreed.
He did amazingly well with them, but it was time for him to go. I walked him to his car, and gave him a long goodbye kiss.
When I came back in, smiling, Kristen was told me that I was supposed to look under the pillows. When I pulled back the pillows, what was there? The hat that I adored. He had bought it for me secretly. I got a little teary from this, because that was probably the sweetest thing someone has done for me.
Later that night, still elated from my date, but confused because now I have two men in my life, I suddenly was messaged by Justin.
We talked about what he was going through, dealing with the death of his grandma and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel for him. I do really care for him so much, and I wish I could be there for him, and I wanted to say something like that, but I still don’t know where the boundaries lie.
I left our conversation, because I had a girlfriend over and we were watching a movie, more confused than ever.
**********

The boy raised up after reliving his past days out in his mind, and wiped away the wetness from his skin. He looked around precariously, almost looking for the answers in his mind.
What should he do? He feels for both of them. Jon seems like the best bet, but he still couldn’t help but feel intrigued and challenged by Justin. It would be so much easier if Justin were here for him to talk to, but that was no option.
Sooner or later, he will have to decide. The boy did not want to continue on in this confusion, and he knew that one day, the decision will be brought about to commit, but by whom is unknown.
The boy supposes he will wait until that day to come, and he felt the last tear fall from his face. That lone tear landed on the pillow, seemingly holding the answer, but disappeared before he could read what it told.

The tear was gone, and so was his certainty.

Suggested Listen: Muse- Supermassive Black Hole

The Continue

2006-12-14T03:24:00.000-05:00

And the 4th date is concluded. Not only am I in new territory, but I'm in a completely unknown place. This is no Lewis and Clark mission, this is the first mission to Mars. I'm so confused, distraught, and just plain don't understand, but....I'm happy. After our date, which was an all day thing, including many things, one of those, most importantly, being cuddling and making out. Yes, that's right, I said making out. It was fun, and nice, and I forgot how it felt to be so close to someone like that. Proximity wise I mean, not emotionally. After the conclusion of our date, I sat at home, giddy, and satisfied. So much so that I actually took my roommate out for an extravagant dinner, which, in truth, should have been for him. Well Justin, you do still surprise me. Anyway anyway, back to what I was saying, concluding my dinner and some movie watching, I came online, and read that his away message said, "Palpitations." I wasn't quite sure whether that was a good thing or not, but I'm concluding that it's for the better end of the inquiry. Which, still, surprises and excites me. I'm just glad that finally something seems to be working, though I'm knocking on wood and punching myself in the face for putting that into print. The holidays are coming, which is a stiff time, so I'm not sure what that will bring, but then again, I guess, I need to go in willingly and wholeheartedly.

Until the next post. Happy Holidays.

Oh, and other than Justin, my life seems to be improving as well. (Minus family).

What in the hell

2006-12-06T11:58:00.000-05:00

So....is it just me, or is everyone like in love? I mean...jesus, maybe it's just me noticing more because it's the holidays and well, I'm alone. Seriously though, it seems everyone is in a couple. It's like a secret club that I haven't been invited to, and may never be. And it makes me feel weird to talk to the club members because they might say they "understand," but really they don't CARE, because, well, they're in a club...duh. I had this boy Justin over on Sunday, and that was our 3rd date. I suppose things are going really well, I mean, we cuddled and kissed and stuff (puke, I know...), but after he left, I kind of had this little grin on my face. Hold on...let's wait for 20 minutes to set in, and then I'm like WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I can't imagine being in a relationship. Like, ever. Not that I want to run around to the tune of Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" for the rest of my life, but I seriously can't imagine it at all. Let's take a look back at my romance history. I've had one boyfriend. 4 months...IF even that. Truthfully, it was a terrible relationship, because it was both of our firsts, and he was closeted. Oh well, right? Basically, since I'm gay, that was the equivalent of me having a stupid high school relationship that everyone leaves high school with the knowledge and growth of "Why the fuck did I do that?" You think back to your high school days for an example, and nod your head in agreement.

So here I am, 21 years old, with one 19 year-old, high school worthy relationship under my belt, and I'm like WHA???? I'm 21. I mean, c'mon, I'm 21. People my age are getting MARRIED, or already are. It's nuts! I can't even imagine being close to someone like that. Truthfully, it freaking scares me. I'm not sure if it's that typical, "I don't want to get hurt thing," because you know me, if it was that, I wouldn't be afraid to say it. It's like, I'm SO used to things staying on the surface. I haven't made it passed a 3rd date to THIS day. You know you can't get anywhere with that. I realize after the 3rd date that I can feel myself slowly attaching, so maybe I run away. I'm so used to the "meet and greet," and realizing right away that I don't see anything happening with this guy. I mean, sure, there's been guys that I could've seen something happening with, but one reason or another, I ran away from it. So what happens now? I might have found someone to go passed this 3rd date point. I mean, we've had our 3 dates, and I'm still interested...so NOW WHAT? Now, I crap myself, and have to decide if I'm to move on into the unknown.

It's that time again...

2006-11-20T06:15:00.000-05:00

Today is the day. It's the 2 year mark of probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember, IU vs. Purdue, November 20th, 2004. We started drinking at 10am, tailgating. My friend wanted to go to Arby's, so I picked her up, and she came out of her sorority with a random guy. We went to Arby's, and their drunk asses were hilarious. We didn't end up making it to the game, instead, we went to his fraternity to drink. He kept making me whiskey sours, because they were amazing.

Sounds like a good day so far, right? Well, that random boy later turns out to be the only boyfriend I've ever had. Anyway, he invited me to their party last night, and went through the trouble of putting my name on the list and stuff. Well, Lauren and I decided to go home and shower, and when I was at home, she messaged me and told me she didn't want me to accompany her to the party, "because you're gay, and it freaks people out." So, I get pissed and stopped talking to her for a month or more.

Suddenly I was messaged online to an invitation to the gay fraternity's initiation. I didn't know a single damn person there. The guy who invited me had only talked to me online, and had never met in person. Well, it turned out one of the gays lived in the same complex as me, and I kind of knew him by proximity, because we lived on the same floor in my freshman dorm. He picks me up at 9, (keep in mind I started drinking at 10am) and we start drinking right away. At this time in my life, I didn't hang out with gay people, so I was freaking out. No one was talking to me either, so a few times in the night I went to a rock in the neighbor's yard and bawled my eyes out. I got severely wasted, to the point that I made myself bartender and was making everyone really terrible drinks. The cops show up, and I'm freaking out, and after they left, I decided to pass out on the couch.

Jostled, I awoke around 8am to someone taking my clothes off. I was pretty much blacked out, but I have some memories. I know there was 5 guys, and they were all naked, and I couldn't move because I was THAT drunk, and I was cold, and just layed on the side of the blow up mattress on the floor, hoping no one would touch me so I could go back to sleep. Yeah...it was SO not cool. It was a lot worse than that, but I don't really want to type it all out.

On another note...

The holidays are coming up, and I can't help but feel lonely. How could I not, when I told you that a 2 years ago today, my only relationship started, and lasted all through the holiday season. I have memories of that time so clear, like the memory of the frost on his truck window, and the kisses we shared during the warm up time, so clear that my stomach actually turns. It's completely ridiculous, because I miss a person that doesn't even exist anymore. No, he's not dead, but I dated a closeted frat boy, not the flamer he has grown into since coming out after we broke up. He's a cool guy, I actually have hung out with him a few times...haha, but no one I'd want to date anymore. I will always have the good memories though. The relationship didn't turn sour until around Valentine's Day (go figure.), so I have good holiday memories.

I have recently fallen in love with the American Movie Channel (AMC as you probably know it). It's AMAZING!

On that note, I'd like to invite you to view my new blog Not Another Gay Film. It's just movie reviews of stuff I've seen recently.

Suggested Listen: Cartel- "Honestly"

Changes

2006-11-14T03:47:00.000-05:00

Things are still changing. The boys as quick as my life. One time seems to be enough lately. A friendly exchange can be fun, but apparently just not enough.

I don't really feel that I belong anywhere. My new living situation has been nothing but gracious to me, but I feel I need to move on. Maybe it's the nomad in me, itching to break free. I almost actually turned to my mother today for a shoulder and some advice, but that seemed too typical, and I couldn't help but not want to do that. I feel I need to solidify my groundings before I can really continue to focus on anything else in my life. I need a permanent living situation that I approve of, a steady job, a car, and THEN I will think seriously about my career and a boy. It's like I keep putting my shirts in the washer, but the spin cycle never stops and I can't reach the end with a shirt that I can continue to wear.

I'm going to try as hard as I can to take my focus on finding this so-called love. It really does rule my life at times. Today I brokedown in the bathroom (secretly so my roomies wouldn't find out.), because a boy told me that he liked spending time with me, and he thought I'm really cute, but that he didn't think he should "get more involved has been my fear that you have a lot going on/ a lot to deal with that i don't know if i can deal with too." It wasn't necessarily the let down by yet another man, but more or less the fact that I know that my life is actually THAT bad that someone won't date me because of it.

[side note] I hate people who stop talking to their friends just because they met a significant other. Then if they break up, come crawling back and expect you not to care.

I've made the decision to drop the semester. I'm too far behind, and if I do it now, my GPA won't suffer from it. Now, I'm off to see the wizard, and maybe he'll give me a job.

[P.S.] To my readers: I do, in fact, "get help." I have been medicated for over a year now, and talk to a therapist bi-monthly.

The Phoenix

2006-10-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

The Phoenix has come out to play. Ever since my last post, I've pretty much been in a drunken coma. I was kicked out of my house, so now I'm living with 2 friends and their child, I don't have a job, and I'm pretty much failing out of school. It's almost amazing at how well I can't succeed.

Sightastic

2006-10-31T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty much in a coma.

I like this video.

JanetJackson

But I said stop...

2006-10-16T12:30:00.000-04:00

yet, it never did.

I lost something the other night. I lost my innocence, naivity, and my lonliness. The ruffie dropped into my 3rd beer was the catalyst, but it was all his fault. In an attempt to wash myself clean of what had happened with Zach, I slapped on my eyeliner (because I stopped wearing it for him, he didn't like it.) and I was going to go to a possible suitor's to hang out and watch Desperate Housewives. He offered me a beer, but I guess I should've held on to my drink at all times.

I awoke and he was already inside, without a condom, nonetheless. I asked him to stop, and he said he was almost finished. I told him to quit because it hurt, and he wouldn't stop. I pushed with all my might, yet he didn't budge. Damn me for not going to the gym, he was too powerful to me. I was left with nothing else to do, so I turned my head to the side, and with the tears, just asked why.

My soul, and possibly my body, have been tainted. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer have the desire to find a man. I no longer long for a connection. This scares me because that was pretty much all I was living for. Without that, what's left?

I'm waiting to the possible conception point, then going to get tested. Should be some time next week. May karma grant me some luck.

The beginning that ended.

2006-10-12T11:35:00.000-04:00

Zach is gone. He met 'the phoenix,' or my alter ego, as my friends put it when they add 'the.' He showed up to come get me, and he had a hickey on his neck. A FUCKING HICKEY ON HIS NECK. I had already drank 2/3 of a fifth by myself, at my friend's, so I was pretty pissed. She was sick, so I ended up going with him anyway. He was high, and that kind of pissed me off too, so we ended up going to a party at Butler, and I got trashed. The last thing I remember was sitting at a table, making fun of a girl. I mean, she just really had BAD hair!

Anyway, I guess him and I got into a verbal fight, but then made up and were making out in the car. When his friend Kelly pointed this out, I guess I punched her in the face. Yep, 3 times. I didn't even STOP kissing him, which I thought was pretty talented.

I was told all this the next day, after we found the mess I had left in the kitchen, attempting to make my drunk ass some food. He laughed, but I saw the fear and concern in his eyes. He was kind of freaked out about what I did, and he couldn't hide it. So yeah, I haven't heard from him since. I got a new cell, so I called to leave him that number, and left the message, "This is my number now, should you choose to call it." I'm guessing that was me giving him the ball, and it was up to him to play his offense.

I'm kind of upset. I say kind of, because, still, he had a hickey on his neck. I'm sure that's why 'the phoenix' came out to play. He had gone out to gay bars the night before, so either a) he's a whore and made out with someone the night before, b) he's seeing someone else, or c) wait, he's still making out with them pretty fucking ferociously because hickies just DON'T happen by chance. We hadn't engaged in the "exclusivity" talk, but still, I'm the type of guy, when I find something I like, I don't look for anything else. (Funny, I just shrugged as I typed that.) And it still hurts my feelings when they are looking for someone else, even if he isn't just mine.

This is why I'm sure I could never do an "open relationship," or anything of the sort. Probably smashing my chances to date a lot of men, or date ones that will just cheat on me behind my back. This is why I'm giving up on men, and getting fat.

Suggested listen: Phoenix- Consolation Prizes

Still here...

2006-10-05T14:47:00.000-04:00

Yep, he's still here. I saw him last weekend, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Previously I had made plans to go out for my friend's 21st birthday, but Zach was having a party so I wanted to go to that. Well, we comprised and did both. Zach ended up asking me to stay the night, and I drunkedly obliged. We drank, hung out, goofed around, watched Seinfeld...and then the kissing started. Yeah, it got pretty hot and heavy. Then I realized a few things.

I do not like the 69 position. I get to focused on what I'm doing to enjoy what is happening to me. I have a very unsensitive penis, so I really need to concentrate when someone is giving me head.

He ordered me to give him my first rim job. I was nervous, and had no clue what I was doing. He kind of talked me through it. I was surprised that it wasn't distasteful like I thought.

We were totally in the sex position, but we didn't have any condoms. I thought this was good, because I want to wait a little. I want it to mean something. I've never had sex with someone I was with.

He took me to lunch the next day, and it was nice. Though, he did drop a bomb on me that he wanted a kid.

Anyway...I haven't talked to him since...

Shut up and kiss me

2006-09-18T18:22:00.000-04:00

I had a great weekend. This weekend was great because 1) I met a boy, 2) I went to X-fest, 3) I played euchre and got drunk, and 4) I met a boy. So why, you say, do I need to vent?

Because I liked the boy.

You may still be confused, so I'll bring it down. Friday my friends and I wanted to play euchre, but we didn't have a 4th. Well, I called Zach the night before to see if he had wanted to play, but he didn't return my call, so I just assumed he was like all the other gay guys who can never live up to what they say. Surprisingly, he called back later in the night. So we went to pick him up. and played and got drunk. It was a lot of fun, and we didn't end up sleeping because we were up talking and making out. During the "session," he invited me to go with him to the X-fest the next day, and that he would buy my ticket. So I'm thinking wow, this boy must actually like me if he's offering to take me to meet his friends and pay for my ticket. So we go to his house to get ready, get alcohol, and head to the concert. He's so cute....god....but I wasn't going to let him know that I thought that. So we tailgated and drank and smoked, which was completely unnecessary because I was still drunk from the night before. Yadda Yadda, fast forward to the night. I'd gotten lost and finally found them again, and we were sitting in the lawn. After a while, he put his arm around my shoulders, and mine around his lower back, and were talking, and he leaned down (he's 3 inchess taller....mmmm) and kissed me. I was like ahhhh, I could DEFINITELY get used to this. Well, then I got worried that we were going to get shot, but I didn't care. lol.

We went back to his house and hung out for a while. A few times eating, or making out. There was one point he was like "Can I come over and make out with you now?" lol. But then at one point he was like
him: You're not the normaly type of guy I look for.
Me: so....then...Why me?
him: I don't know, just kiss me.

Later:

him: tell me I'm ugly.
Me: no.
him: tell me I'm fat.
Me: no.
him: I'm tired of people telling me I'm perfect.
Me: (laughs) You're not perfect.
him: You're not perfect either.

So I'm like umm...ok. We went to bed together, and slept naked, but NOTHING bad happened. We just cuddled and talked. Neither of us could sleep, which I didn't mind. I just liked laying with him.

Anyway, I know what I typed doesn't sound bad at all, but I just have this feeling that he's one of those guys that just plays around. Like I would REALLY want to try and progress things with him, but I'm afraid distance will be an issue since we both don't have cars. I don't think I'm "attractive" enough for him.

I'm just going crazy and I have no reason to. My friends are like, don't rugh it, which I know, but I'm just so lonely. and I'm sorry to say it, but I got used to sleeping with him 2 nights in a row. lol. He just made me feel.....good. But I don't think that happened the other way around.

Listen Suggestion: She Wants Revenge- I Don't Wanna Fall In Love

It's always hard to say goodbye...

2006-09-12T14:32:00.000-04:00

Recently I've discovered that I'm losing my best friend. Joy and I have known each other since 6th grade, and were inseperable for the longest of time.

She came to me and told me she has 6 months left.

6 months, and then she has a baby.

Now the decision has pretty much been made to leave her alone. I don't want to sit around and hear her debate about the color of the baby's room, which her and the husband have ruled against every color viewable in the visible spectrum.

Then comes the name. Oh yes, they're putting Achilles in the name. You're saying, what in the hell, right? You should be.

Anyway, Joy is MY friend. When I hang out with her, I want it to be us, not a 3some, and not anywhere near the good kind. Forever will I be in the shadow of their marriage, because I am not allowed this right, but now they're procreating, which I neither have the will or desire to do.

So I'm going to spend these six months with my friend Joy, and hope that her fetus is ok, but leave it out of the discussion. After birth, I will most likely slowly disappear. No no, I will DEFINITELY disappear. Children are just icky. And they can name it anything they want, but it's still not going to be a Hero to an entire nation.

Listen suggestion: Joseph Arthur- Devil's Broom

It catches up to us fast.

2006-09-12T01:10:00.000-04:00

Recently my attention has been focused to a new finding within myself.

I'm jealous.

Yes, that's right. I'm extremely jealous. I get jealous all the fucking time. If I see a happy couple, I'm panged with disgust, but really it's just the meat wrapped in the jealousy tortilla.
The worst. Oh.....yes...the WORST kind of jealousy I suffer from comes from the past. This was brought to my attention when I was seeing an acquantance of mine, Chris. Chris, 20, was everything I never wanted in a man, but that's part of the reason I was attracted to him. The pillows of his bed talked, and they told me that he'd been with 9 guys. NINE fucking boyfriends, and he's younger than me. I have to buy this kid's fucking alcohol, but he's kicking me in the balls with the relationship tally. The sheets chime in, and they let me know that one of these boyfriends was in his life for THREE years. Let's do the math here, where the FUCK does he have time to date all these guys? You see, I'm 21, and the only thing in my past is a wasted, terribly disfunctional 4 month relationship, and that's stretching it. Wasted, because we were literally 80% of the time drunk together. In comparison, Chris is telling me that he was "engaged," whatever the fuck that CAN be in gay life, and even had a ring. Step back, you just punched me in the stomach, and I can't breathe. You were prepared to spend the REST of your life with this man...and I'm supposed to just be like oh man, that sucks? No! I'm going to be like fucking great....now I'm comparable for the next 3 fucking years.
Needless to say, I stopped seeing him.

Enter Robby. Perfection...to me. He can't see it and it drives me crazy, because I want to tell him how amazing he is, and how amazing he makes me feel. Of course, this won't happen because I don't want to come on too strong and creepy. He's been with 5 guys, one for 1.5 years, and he thinks that a relationship that long will never happen again. So I'm like....why waste my time, right?

Somehow certainty has been lost in the gay community. We will never enter a relationship with security, and will never end with it either. So many of us are jaded to believe that love will never happen to us, so without this inside of us, nothing holds us back from becoming exactly what we don't want to be: a slutty fag.

Being a slut is sort of the "unofficial" right of passage into the gay community. We all talk about our "slut period," and claim it to be over, though I'm sure it's just slowed down. I've been through my slut period, and I hated myself for it. I'm not going to lose hope. I just can't do it. That's right, I'm a hopeless romantic.

But to quote the great gay icon, Janet Jackson, "You have to deal with the past. It catches up to us fast. I know it's painful, but, there you'll find specialness."

preview

2006-08-30T14:08:00.000-04:00

...and i wonder, is it worth it?
i look over to the boy next to me. the boy who stole my heart the first day i saw him in his mismatching cotton blends. he looked back at me, and i saw in his eyes that he loved me. yet somehow, he couldn't bring himself to actually do just that.
"i don't think i can hang out with you any more, matty," i said weakly.
"why do you say that?" he inquired.
"you made me love you. you didn't mean to, but your presence next to me was just enough to do so. i can't go on hurting like this, because when i look into your eyes, i can't handle masking the fact that i want you so badly inside, and it drives me nuts."
the silence was pounding so hard in my head, that i realized there actually was no silence, my heartbeat was just so out of control that's all i could hear while i was waiting for a reply....

more to be heard.

my poem

2006-08-24T11:42:00.000-04:00

"The Letter"

I’m writing this letter, to whom, I don’t know. But, if I give you this, then please don’t go. I’m sorry, but I’ve something to share. You’re the one who makes me care. Maybe the skies do hold something up above, because you to me He sent to love. I may not on the outside show this feeling, because long ago, my emotions were for the stealing. I built such a great defense, slowly lost my feeling sense. With each time my name you call, brick by brick you make them fall. I hope with this I do not scare, or get a lonely, frightened stare. I may not be able to say aloud, for this I am not truly proud. I only write because it’s true. I found my strength inside of you. With every touch you excite, my heart so high like a kite. Of course, that means there is a string, but I don’t mind this little thing. For it leads down to your strong hands, those strong, yet make no demands. I hope forever can be true, because I would spend it all with you. I hope you do not shy from truth, to me that is very uncouth. There is one thing I’m out to do, to tell you that, yes, I love you.

Phoenix

just briefly

2006-08-18T11:49:00.000-04:00

suddenly, i'm dating three guys, and i feel things have gotten out of hand. at least i'm enjoying life a little though. hopefully things will progress and i will see who is more worth a try.

short story underway. look for "signed, with love," soon.

there are a lot of disappointments in life...

2006-07-25T02:42:00.000-04:00

but right now the greatest disappointment is me.

a lot is happening. to everyone else that is. my life is stuck at a stall. the engine blew in my car on the road of life. i find it hard to be happy for you all, because that's just me. but then i see that in some way, somehow, your life is rewarding to you, even if i don't understand how, and i'm glad for you...somewhat. i'm at a stage in my life where a lot is happening to my life, even though i'm necessarily not inviting the change.

i'm feeling very undateable right now. i am supposed to meet a guy on friday for a "no title engagement," but really, even though it's not a "date," persay, i don't really feel like going. this boy has taken an interest in me, we will call him "armani jeans guy." we had a fun little online conversation, and then chatted on the phone. on the phone, it was just like i was talking to the exact opposite person of me. he is very successful. he owns a condo on mass. ave. 2 cars. he pays for his mother and his brother's lives. he finds his religious background strengthens him. he owns a bar (on the side). and, he corrected me when i said in the picture he was wearing navy slacks, and he said, "no, those are armani jeans." (now you're with me ). i was just like...wow. inferiority complex x 10.

as long as my hormones keep in check, and i continue to live through my dream relationships, i should be fine for a while. it's just....idk. sometimes, dreaming about how it could've been with matt, or dreaming how it would be with clark kent, just isn't enough. sometimes i miss that feeling you get when someone grabs your hand to let you know they like you. that exhilaration of the first kiss. the real stuff. this stuff i only had with luke. baker and i just went through all of that the first night because we were drunk. i'm pretty sure neither of us remember it. and with any other guy, it's just been expected mostly...and that's just me meeting expectations, not doing what my heart desires. i'm afraid i'm becoming too much of the "gay" man, who doesn't believe in real love. which really, i'm not sure i can still fully believe it, because truthfully, who says that i'm going to be with someone forever? i have no marriage. i have no kids. people don't realize everything that you give up just because you were born with a different sexual orientation. sometimes it really bothers me. i can't be comfortable in public holding hands, or kissing the person i love. i have fear of gay bashing. just shit like that...ugh. and i know some "christian is reading this and thinking "it's because god didn't intend it that way." well, i've got one thing to say to shit like that: kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself...

everyone has a hero inside of them

2006-07-21T04:42:00.000-04:00

i had a very odd dream last night. well, not "odd" persay if you're phoenix. i'm in Smallville. Sitting on a couch with Clark, Lana, and Lex on the arm. Chloe is behind us, and she doesn't like me because, well, I'm Clark's boyfriend. Lana is with Lex. I notice Clark and Lana are wearing the same shirt. It's white, with blue vertical and orange horizontal stripes. After pointing this out to Clark, he grabs his shirt, and Lana's next to him to get her attention to point it out. (Apparently, they're blind.) Then Lana gets this serious look in her eyes, because you know everything on Smallville means something, and the fact that they had the same shirt on meant they were destined to be together. Clark looks at me with a worried look in his eyes as if to say, "but I love you," and then he kissed me, I guess, as sort of a demonstration. I awoke, but even now, I can still feel exactly what his lips felt like...

On the first round of telling this to my mother I left out the part about Clark being my boyfriend and the kiss. Later, round two, she asks, "but who are you in Smallville?" sigh...."I'm Clark's boyfriend." -"But Clark isn't gay." --"uhhhh, yeah, I know." -"Like not even in real life, he's married." --"Mom, it was a DREAM." jeez....

my therapist pointed out that i have nothing positive in my life. i guess that's true. i mean, i finally do have a job, but it's not very appealing or intersting. she feels that i'm lonely and that i need to get out and meet people, especially men. it's funny, though i really would like to share my emotions with a man, i have logically decided that i am no longer pursuing dating right now, because I don't want to drag anyone along on this dreary path i'm on. i don't think i want to cast my shadow of negativity on someone else, just because i've been getting shafted by life lately. i don't want to bring anyone down, but if i'm going to be with a boy, i don't want to have to act like i'm freaking happy all the time, because I'm not.

yet, it makes me sad that my brain is taking away everything that my heart desires.

the road

2006-07-05T03:06:00.000-04:00

so there's that boy. we'll now call him the villain, "the frustrator." i don't even know what to say to the kid. i can see there's something inside that needs....something. sadly, i was actually hurt. not necessarily hurt in the heart, because it was defnitely too soon for that. it was my pride that took the jab from the knife. once again, i was fooled into stupidity, and i'm ashamed. that old saying "fool me twice, shame on me..." you know the one, doesn't even apply anymore, because i've been fooled a number of times. apparently i'm blind. i can't help it, i guess it's that hope....that hope needs to leave my heart and just stay here, stuck to this page....

and then...we'll call him, "shallo's boy." there's a reason, but i'm not for sharing it, unless you ask in person. i'm going to use this phrase that i previously used, but i like it: "a light shining in a world grown so dark, yet to find out it was only the reflection of my heart." talking on the phone today, i realized how much it actually wouldn't work out. vanity is a common trait among gay brains, one for which i lack. he pretty much quoted Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, by saying, "I'm kinda a big deal." in actuality, he said something along the lines of, "i'm pretty much loved by everyone."

thus sending me on the road. the path of the gay. this is, in fact, the pact that every single gay man travels. there is no road less traveled. In search of the same destination, we travel, toward, yes, a man. whether it be one night, a month, or years, it's always for a man, and once acheived, it's lost and the cycle is reborn. it's like a natural programming that comes along with our extra "burst" of estrogen in the womb, which has been a scientific hypothesis.

i guess i knew it was happening. i mean, even in my own life, i went from guy to guy...though, uncommonly in my kind, actually in search for that so-called butterfly-in-your-stomach word that starts with the dreaded "L." that word that can either build bridges, or build craters within one's heart. i don't know why it suddenly came to me now...it's been there all along. from disappointment to disappointment i traveled, still with the lingering hope for a shining light in my darkness. i'm tired of traveling. i'm tired of the disappointment....

so here's the decision: continue traveling on the endless path, or put my car in park? in the parking lot, i know nothing will happen. the "L" fairy doesn't come along and grant our wish randomly...no, especially not here in whiteland, indiana, living with my family and without vehicular transportation. so yes, i decide to indeed keep my car in drive....maybe though, switching my gears from overdrive to third or second gear...

maybe i'm pulling off at a rest stop. maybe i'm going to get something to eat. maybe i've actually found a place to where my car shall rest to call home for an unknown period. all i know, is this realization came pounding in today, and i just sat down and gave up. i didn't want anything. nothing. slumped against the couch on the floor was exactly where i wanted to be, and where i might have stayed if my reasonability had not kicked in...

yet still i wonder: will it ever end?

life through falsehood

2006-06-02T02:32:00.000-04:00

i've pretty much given up on everything.
men.
work.
school.
love.
hope.
life.

i'm stuck at home once again, my soul slowly slipping away into an unknown abyss. my mind races with all the possibilities i know i will never be able to bring myself to accomplish. the hole has futhermore taken success, and from this lacking in my heart, i cannot feel anything than apart. clip my wings away, for it seems i'm here to stay.

the new boy

2006-05-13T07:46:00.000-04:00

finally....last night i got to see mr. crush again. he came over and woke me up, so we could go out. ready, we left and he bought me dinner, next to lead me home to smoke a bowl. this turned out to be rather funny, because my lack of sleep was making me hallucinate.
pooja and mandy came over to drink a few rounds, then we left to go to jake's. at the bar, he sat next to the wall, facing me completely...knees on my hip. beers later, i was comfortably resting my hand on his thigh, and it felt nice. shots all around, and then he got up to go the bathroom, and pooja was like...
"dude, he totally likes you."
"oh...no....please..." though smiling at the sheer thought of it.
she kept on, trying to convince me to hit on him. well, they left to go to stacks and see a friend, so he and i moved to a booth. bathroom time for me, and i find a pee buddy who's 21st was that night. my rum soaked ass then went and bought him a shot, and me another beer.
back at the booth, we talked and laughed, and he mentioned he wanted to go to where else so we could dance. i alerted the friends, and we left.
well, we were like 2 of 10 people there, so i let him know i was not going to be dancing with him, but i would play some beer pong. we ended up playing 2 or 3 rounds, but i was doing most of the drinking because he didn't want to get drunk since he had to drive home.
---brief memory fade---
next, we're at my friend john's apartment. john feeds me shots like i'm needing them, but we headed to the porch to smoke. well, mr. crush (he looks like hugo weaving.....hence the pic) got really close and smiled, and i couldn't take it anymore. i grabbed him and pulled him tight and kissed him long, hard, soft...oh any way i could.
open door
"woah...." john says, shocked. he didn't know i'm gay, and i kept apologizing, but he just kept saying, "no man, it's cool, 's cool."
then we left, and made out in my apartment. i begged all i could to try to get him to stay, cuddle, and sleep in each others arms, but he refused. his mom needed the car in the morning.
i woke up in a high....that giggly, smiling, walking on air stuff, but i'm back down now...since everything sunk in. i don't think he's into me....so i'm just left disappointed. what's new in me and guys....ugh

ohhhhh hugo...

remembering that feeling...

2006-05-11T01:28:00.000-04:00

it was somewhere around december 17th of 2004. the frat was throwing their christmas bash, and since i'd been dating him for a while, i came early to pre-party. i was happy because i had two of my good friends from home coming up to visit me. kristina called, and was lost on campus. on the phone, trying to give her directions, i hear a loud sound and she screamed. her tire had popped, so i had to walk all the way to beering, drunk, and in the rain, to change her tire for her. my phone had died, and christa was freaking out being in town and not knowing where to go. luckily, she called kristina, and found us on the street. tire change completed, soaking wet, we decided to head back to my apartment to change our attire. back at the frat, my boy helped us sneak in the back so the girls wouldn't have to wait in line. the party was great, but we mostly just hung out with our friends in my boy's room. 3 bicardi razz and coke's for christa, and she sat down, looked at the marquee screensaver on the computer, and ran to the bathroom, dizzy, and puking.
suddenly, my old friend from freshman year, mindy, shows up w/ captain, and we're shooting it back like we're playing a game of horse on a basketball court. this proceeds to me giving her a lap dance, simultaneously as kristina was giving my boy one. then, mindy and i start making out, and it was just wrong in many ways. 1. my boy was right there, 2. she is my ex-best friend's girlfriend, 3. i'm gay, she's straight...and liking it, and 4. her boyfriend hates me now.
anyway...christa was shot, so it was time to go home. i was still hanging out with mindy, and kristina was putting christa in the sober driver's car, while trying to convince my boy to leave me because when i'm drunk, i don't care. finally, we all got into the car, and poor christa is still puking in a box we brought for her, though, now dry heaving.
"i keep shooting blanks like a neutered dog!" christa joked....laughs all around.
stumbling up the stairs, the two girls went and slept in roomie's room, while my boy and i took our rum soaked asses to the room that we'd slept together for the past two weeks. i was drunk, and pissed. i couldn't believe that he thought i would just leave my friend puking, and staying at the party.
"i can't believe you think i'm that much of an asshole that i would leave my friend like that!" i exhaled...with a little more ruthlessness than meant.
"kristina said you do this all the time! i thought she would know better than me..." he retorted.
"ohhhhh......ohhhh....i see. i'm sorry, hi! nice to meet you," i said, "i'm an asshole without a heart."
the fight continued, and he moved to the bathroom and locked the door. it was quiet, but i was pretty sure he was crying.
now...i AM kind of an asshole, so i went to roomie's room, kind of giggling.
"girls....i just made him cry!" laughs all around.
walking back to my room and shutting the door, i hear his sobs were gaining velocity.
"tom..." i said, (name changed for privacy). "open the door, i'm sorry."
"tom...please...let me hold you."
slowly the door opened and i raced in and grasped him hard.
kissing the tears off his face, i murmured "i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." over and over.
"we should talk," he said, moving me to the bed. i sat with my legs out, and he climbed on, sitting in my lap, facing me. "where did this come from?"
then, it was my turn to cry. "i guess, i have just felt so unloved all my life, and then you came along, and i was scared. some part of me wants to stay hidden, because it's never going to feel worthy of you."
"phoenix....i love you..." he whispered.
i stopped breathing, moving in general. i looked up at his wet eyes, smiled, and started to open my mouth.
"no....you're drunk..." he said as he covered my mouth with his hand. "let's sleep huh? i want you to hold me."
the next day, i awakened with my head on his chest, and woke him up with a gentle kiss.
he smiled, and kissed me back harder.
"do you remember last night?" i asked.
he smiled and nodded.
'oh god...' i thought, 'here it is, it's coming out...but i think it's true.'
"i love you, tom."
"and i love you too, phoenix."
we made out for a good while, napped, and then saw the girls off for their trip home.
after, we laid in bed all day, just enjoying each other....because we were in love...

some changes in mind...

2006-05-10T12:25:00.000-04:00

i've decided this is going to be my g-rated site, with my feelings, thoughts...blah blah. my sexual stories will now be located at my other blog, the sex in homosexual.

LOTS of drinking and celebrating lately....i'm pooped.

does anyone know who this boy is? he's so incredibly gorgeous

what i would give to be with him...

the perfect man

2006-05-04T01:23:00.000-04:00

i saw like my perfect man today. pooja had gone out and drank with this guy erik, and he was passed out on her couch. well, she wanted to go to taco bell, so i offered to wake him up. she pulled back the blanket, to reveal this beautifully goofy boy. his shorts were riding low, revealing his calvin klien boxer briefs. his gray purdue shirt was ruffled up, and i could see his hard belly, with a great little happy trail. i literally gasped. sure, he was drunk, and his face was red from smashing it on the table, but he turned over and smiled and my knees went weak. his sexy body overtook me, and his muscular arms caught my eye and i almost drooled. he stood up, and he was 6'7, i know cuz i asked. i think tall guys are so fucking sexy, but being 6'3 myself, i don't really find taller guys much. i'm tired of leaning down to kiss someone! the night continued on, and we hung out for a while. i didn't want to, but i had to pull myself away to go study.

i'll probably never see him again. that just makes me feel worse. my family has apparently decided to disown me....god damn it. when will i stop fucking up my life?

my two loves....one old, one new

2006-05-02T04:26:00.000-04:00

x-men 3: the last stand

and of course....my favorite, dark phoenix

oddly enough...no, i'm not named after her. haha, my parents have a reason....but yeah...that's not it.

and omg....i can't freaking wait for the movie! if you like the x-men, but don't want to see this spoiler....then don't watch the video! (here's a hint....bolivar trask!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rF2GmH7ovMQ
bruno gagliasso

aren't you in love?

phoenix has returned...

2006-05-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

sean faris

sorry for the brief post hiatus. i turned 21. 2 cuts on my hand, a bleeding toe, scraped elbow, and 2 bruises later, i'm alive....though, not proudly. i got kicked out of where else, and fell asleep in the street. i made out w/ my ex on friday, and most of my friends. saturday, i made out w/ my best girlfriend's fiance. yep 3 times. he liked it. he told her the next day, "now i know why you like kissing him so much!" haha.

finals on thursday. i'm pissed b/c i couldn't find anyone to go out w/ me yesterday.

slavco tuskaloski

that loving feeling

2006-04-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

yesterday i was cooking in the kitchen (louisiana red pepper chicken if you wondered), and i had a memory.

nervously i messaged him, asking if he'd like to join me for fajitas that evening. happy, i read that he'd "love to."
after asking my roommate if he could give us some private time, he arrived, wearing jeans and a tee, which i found rather sexy. walking up toward him, my hands met his face and i kissed him rather forcefully. surprised, he laughed after, because we're goofy like that. serious stuff wasn't our deal. i took the chips from his hand and made my way to the sizzling vegetables. i was focusing on the vegetables, and then a strong hand slipped around my stomach, which twitched at the surprised touch. his left hand was on my neck, which he was also kissing tenderly. i love it when he kisses my neck, and i moaned and started to get hard. i spun around and shoved him agaist the cabinets behind him, and dove into his mouth like a falling plane.
the kissing lasted quite a long time, until the sound of the sizzling pulled me away. he looked into my eyes, and smiled that goofy smile he loved to give me, and asked if he could help with anything. i gave him the task of browning the sirloin. side by side, talking about the day and laughing, i couldn't help to realize how nice it felt.
'i can't wait to live with someone and feel like this,' i thought.
after eating, i reached out to start cleaning up, and he grabbed my arm and pulled it away. after a soft kiss, he told me to relax and that he'd clean everything up. i just fell harder. i stood behind him, arms around his tight stomach, the entire time he washed the dishes. my favorite part of the night was heading up.
i picked him up, his legs straddling my hips, lips touching the others, and carried him to the bathroom. now, i told you we didn't like serious things, so when we hit the bed, we started wrestling. giggling and being foolish, i pinned him down hands over his head. he writhed underneath me trying to break free.
smiling, i said, "you might as well stop trying. i'm stronger than you."
"quit going to the gym so much, you're making me feel inferior." he chuckled.
"oh, you know you like it, otherwise you would've quit dating me a while ago," i said.
goofy smiled on, he leaned up to kiss me and i pulled away. he tried again, and i pulled away again.
i was still holding his hands above his head and he said, "please, don't tease me. i just want to be close to you."
hard-ons raging and rubbing together through our pants, i leaned down and whispered, "let me control you."
pulling away, i saw the fire in his dark, green, sexy eyes, and he couldn't help but smile.

swiftly, i pulled him up and his shirt came off with it. i took mine off and moved him around to my favorite position, him on my lap, facing me, legs straddling my torso, where i had complete control of him. i kissed his chest, and teased his nipples with my tongue; it drives him wild. running my hands through his dark hair, i kissed him hard like i would die if i fell off his lips.
then, i picked him up and threw him up by the pillows, and we laughed in unison. i ripped his clothes off, and dropped my trousers and boxers. standing in front of him, i just looked at him. his muscular arms were flexing as held himself up, moving toward broad shoulders. my gaze went down his body, and i was rock hard with excitement. i'd never felt passion before, and it's so fucking sexy. i noticed he was staring at my cock, with eager eyes like he was a child ogling at a new toy he wants. he knows better than to move, and his hands were shaking with anticipation. he looked up into my eyes, pleading without speaking to let him have it. i nodded and smiled, and he jumped down on the floor and had his mouth on my dick as fast as my next heartbeat. for being a newbie (i was the first guy he'd ever touched), he was rather good at giving head.
next, i pushed him against the wall and started fucking his face. he was gagging pretty bad, because i'm not necessarily "average," so i pulled away so he could compose himself.
i told him to lay on the bed, and i kissed him, then moved over to tongue his ear. he started moaning, loud enough that i was glad roomie wasn't home. dragging my tongue down his solid body, he arched his back because of the intense pleasure i was giving him. teasing his balls with my tongue and his ass with my finger, i finally gave him what he wanted. i took all of him at once, because i don't gag, and his legs started quivering. massaging his thigh with my left hand, i grasped his cock with the right, and mimicked the motion of my mouth. it didn't take long until he warned me he was gonna cum, and i pulled back and watched him squirt all over his belly, chest, and face. i laid down next to him, and he crawled down to my cock, now throbbing so hard i thought it might explode. he likes to give head, so i held back as long as i could before cumming.
he laid back next to me, and we compared the distance to see who shot farther. i always beat him in distance, but he wins at volume. he climed on top of me and pressed his face into mine. i didn't close my eyes, because we always played a little game where we try to catch the other with open eyes. he saw me and pulled back.
"stop! that's creepy!" he said.
"come here," I said while rolling him on his back. "look at me."
then, i slowly moved in, keeping my eyes on his, and we kissed. it was such an amazing feeling. i was overwhelmed with closeness, and it just felt spetacular to be able to look at someone like that.
we moved to the shower, where we lathered each other up. he always says i turn the water on too hot, so he turned it down. i am not used to such a low temperature, and it was winter, so i'm standing there, shivering. he noticed and held me close, so it was better.
still naked, we crawled in bed and started watching my season of queer as folk. after three episodes, he said he was tired. knowing him well enough, i knew this meant he wants to focus on me, and not the tele. we kissed for a long time, and i got hard again because kissing turns me on. he went down and serviced me again, this time taking my load down his throat. he usually couldn't go back to back, so i didn't need to do anything else to make him happy.
he rolled over and stuck his butt out, his body asking to be next to mine. i moved my right arm under his pillow, wrapped my left arm around his chest, folding my fingers into his, and intertwined our legs.
"you make me feel so safe..." he whispered.
and after quite some time, consciousness was drifting away, but i still heard it. he thought i was asleep. a soft voice said silently, "i love you."
i smiled, and kissed the back of his head. i fell asleep easily, because now, i was the one who felt safe...

...you think i'd know by now

2006-04-24T01:09:00.000-04:00

i'm back. one of the best weekends after under my belt. i ended up going to iu since i couldn't find a ride back to purdue. drank for 16 hours on saturday. good times.

...then i came back. back to news so upsetting that i was overwhelmed with not feeling anything. hard to explain, but i guess i'm just in shock. i cannot believe what i've done with my life. now, it's pretty much over. i can't write about it now.

squirrels get more action than me...

2006-04-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

i'm freaking sick and tired of people yelling through my fucking window. just because i live on the first floor, that doesn't mean you should yell in my window and scare the fuck outta me!

i've got to head home in a few hours, hopefully just for the night. i don't want to miss grand prix another year. plus, i didn't end up going out last night, so my party bone is itching.

god...i love tiago.

thanks to aron from men behaving badly for mentioning. i don't get much traffic since just started.

here's some hot boys to enjoy while i'm gone.
mateus verdelho
luke dennett
lukas ridgeston
thomas vincent
sean faris

i've really been enjoying the blog by jared at completely naked. though, i'm really confused at his situation. like he has all these stories and they talk about how much he loves nathan, but then he talks about having sex with other people. and i think they might live together with jeff. who knows...the gays are confusing.

past recourse

2006-04-20T21:38:00.000-04:00

awakened by loud sounds coming from somewhere, i turn over and realize, it's my alarm. i sit up to prepare for class, and suddenly...
'oh my lord, i'm still drunk! wait, what happened last night?'
i search the depths of my mind, and am surprised to find that i can recall the entire night. it went a little something like this...
after leaving a friends, completely exhausted by the weeks excursions, i planned to call it an early night. i got somewhat distracted on the computer, so i climbed in bed around midnight. watching some will and grace, the angel of sleep was getting closer. knock, knock, knock.
"are you alana's friend?" said the female voice.
"um...yeah."
"will you go to the front door?" she said.
"ok."
searching for some clothing on the floor, i am filled with worry that maybe something bad has happened to alana. i open the door and find two stumbling girls, alana, and an unknown. drunked than an irish on st. patty's, they come in and convince me to come back to the apartment. agreed, i change and walk to the apartment just across the street. i enter and find 3 boys. shaking their hand, i instantly forget their names and head in the direction of the alcohol. half and half, rum wih coke, i get comfortable.
the tele was on, and most attentions were directed toward the cubs game. as it ended, it was time for a shot. ron rico rum...not the best. i use the remaining alcohol for another 50/50, and i start to feel the affects b/c i hadn't eaten all day. drink down, i take the drunk girl's cup, cuz she was passed out, and drink that. alana offered me her drink, and i drank that as well. then, i found a bottle of 50/50, and sucked on that. drunk girl, by the way, who was 17, leaves, and so does the hot boy. 3 of us left, we start drinking captain morgan. alana shoots one w/ me, and then i took two more.
it's getting late, so alana and i move downstairs to her apartment. there, we sat and talked, and i went through all her old alcohol bottles attempting to make some more shots. surprisingly, i made two more, and then we realize it's already 6am. i walk home, ate some popcorn and cheese, and retired for the night.
missing my class was bad, especially since i was to turn in my portfolio. hopefully i can get an extension.
then, the pain comes in as slow as a turtle walking home. eventually it piled up, and the pain was so unbearable. forcing water down to hydrate, i finally accompany the water with 3 tylenol pm's. it's a win/win really, i either was going to lose some pain, or sleep, and i succeeded.
awakening the second time, it's 8;37, so i watch some tv. at 10, i showered, and prepared myself to go out again. now, it's the wait for tonight's party.
this year's grand prix week is making me feel like a freshman again. luckily, i'm going home tomorrow, so i'll have one night to break the cycle....whew. party on!
the boy below looks like the hot boy at that apartment....body and all.

you're jealous you weren't at that party now, huh?

down the bottle

2006-04-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

it's always evident the day after i drink. usually ensuing depressed entries in my blog, and the irresistible urge to give in to sadness, and let the blackness succumb my soul. awakened today, will and grace waiting to be viewed, an emptiness fills my arms. something's missing, and the realization it's a man overwhelms me, and i lay in bed, vulnerable and unwilling to greet the seemingly hopeless day. wishing the image to the left was my life, i fight staying awake, but the hangover pursues and doesn't allow sleep. of course, thank you karma, i get to enjoy laying in bed in pain. pain screaming through every cell, physical, yet, more emotional. i'm reminded of my ex, my one and only. my arms literally ache because they yearn for him to come back and fill my soul. sad, i'm empty until someone put their arms around me. recently, drinking and home from the party, lonliness controlled me, so a message to a friend was being typed for him to come and cuddle. strangely, he comes, and eventually he's sitting in my lap, arms wrapped around, and staring into my eyes. i feel good, but the realization that there's nothing behind those pupils overcomes me. there's no feelings. still empty. he leans in to kiss. mistake. my soul seems to pour out if someone touches my lips, and i'm fooled into thinking i may feel more than friendship. awaking in his arms, dillusioned, i smile and feel good. the time was for enjoying, and i did just that. he arised and swiftly left. time passes and the disillionment follows like a new puppy following it's owner. the pain sets in, and stays. sure, days go by and it subsides with the presence of friends, alcohol, or more frequently both. as sure as the sun will set, the pain comes back. my best friend.
shots of bacardi following no sleep and eating nothing but some carrots, i'm easily intoxicated. fine by me.

am i always to be alone?
cameron mathison...enjoy

Entry into a world of pleasure...

2006-04-18T14:21:00.000-04:00

i'm happy to unveil this new blog for me. the picture in my profile is obviously not me, it's tiago riani, a terra "the boy" model. personally, he's one of my favorites. basically i'm planning to take this blog in a few directions, but mostly just posting pictures of really hot men. hopefully you'll like it.

introducing: mateus verdelho

this hunk of meat is another terra boy. i really reccomend the site, especially if you like hot guys for your desktop. the site is below.

http://www.us.terra.com/theboy2005/muchachos.htm

i'm rather partial to this photo b/c he looks like the boy i first had real feelings for when i was in high school. of course, he was younger, and not out, so things never really happened. though...one time we were traveling with our show choir, and had a 3 night stay to perform for branson showcase. me and (we'll call him) mark were roomies, and there was just 3 of us in our room. 2 beds, 3 boys, so we alternated sleeping alone. the night mark and i slept together, we both were wearing nothing but shorts. the tension inside of me just laying next to him was enough to get me hard. i laid there, imagining how it would feel to slide my hands over in bed and caress his strong, football player muscles, and climb on top. my mind imagined me sitting on his rock hard pole, still caged in his shorts, and madly pulling his hands behind his head and make out with his like i was a snake, and he was my prey. then, i slowly would run my tongue down his tight six pack, making sure not to miss a spot, finally reaching the top of his pants. i would slip my lips around his dick while still in his shorts to tease him. i hear him moan with pleasure and he flashed me a face that made me know he wanted me bad. finally, my tongue outlined the edges of his package, paying careful attention to his ballsack cuz he moaned so loud every time i touched it.

"mark, you'll have to be quieter. remember, he's sleeping in the other bed," i said
softly, so just to tantalize and tease, i lightly run my wet tongue up from his balls and up his rigid cock. i was impressed by his thick manhood...all i could think about is how i wanted him to penetrate my ass for the first time because it'd all be for love. he let out a long, exasperated breath, and then he roughly tosses me to the side with his hard muscles, and jumped on me. suddenly, he was on top of me....
'wait, what? he really is on top of me! it isn't a dream....ohhhhhh god!' i thought my brain was going to explode with excitement.
the realization comes that yes, he is on top of me, and ohhhh, it feels good, but, he's asleep. i feel bad, so i try to move him back, but he's heavy with all of those muscles. next, i sigh, mostly in relief, and realize that his crotch is right on top of my right hand. cautiously, i let my hand feel around, and i found his cock, and i groped it ever so gently as to not wake him up. my heart was racing so bad, and my breathed shallowed, and i realized i was so hard precum was just oozing out. i wondered if he was really awake, and liking the current events b/c we did flirt all the time. my cock was pressing hard on his thigh, and i knew he would be able to tell i was getting moist. surprise! he starts to get really really hard, and i'm just about to flip a lid. my curiosity continued, and i started pulling up his shorts from the bottom, and reaching up inside. my hand caressed his his throbbing cock, and he instantly sat up. i stared at him with fear and excitement in my eyes. he looked back with surprise, curiosity, and tiredness. he shoved over to his side of the bed, and it was over. i laid there with so many thoughts in my head wondering what he would do, and if he would remember.
then, after laying there for about 2 hours in sheer pleasure, excitement, and fear, sure enough, he rolled over on me again. this time i was just so happy for his touch, and i thought that he seriously had to know what he was doing, because i doubt that would randomly happen twice. instead of groping, i just decided to put my arms aroud him, and hold him as long as i could. that moment will be one of the most memorable times in my life. there, with him in my arms, everything melted away, and nothing existed except for me and mark in that bed, suspended in time...
ohhhh....what a nice night.

i close with a photo of lukas ridgeton, my favorite porn star. if i could have the perfect man, he would look just like him. he is a bel ami model, and can be found here.

Good day, all.