Transparent Smile

I don't feel very good right now. In the past two weeks, 2 people I've known have died, both from serious battles with bad diseases. I found out about the second one today, who was one of my favorite teachers in high school. When I had her 4 years ago she was doing chemo, and everything was fine. She had no hair and such, but she was always so brave and happy, and put her problems off just so she could change the lives of some teenagers.

So, I was already in a bad mood, and I sign on to facebook and I see that this guy that I BRIEFLY dated....like...we hung out as friends for a while, then it sort of flew into a fling and then all of the sudden he met someone else. Well, I see that he's now "engaged," well, as engaged as a gay man can be, and it's NOT even to the guy who he met that ended things with me and him. I'm sorry, but I can't help but be pissed off. Here he is, MY age, planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, and I'm pushing guys away as much as possible.

Then I think, it's really my fault. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I have CHOSEN to be single. I have chosen to focus on myself, because right now I really really hate myself. Sometimes I just feel really behind everyone else. My therapist and I used to work on feelings of rejection and being left out because I didn't get the "true" socialization in high school because I never got to date and do the "stupid" relationships that teenagers often do in the early years. Nope, I was seemingly the wise one they all came to for advice, not because I had experience, but because I had an outside view. Somehow, I used to identify more with older people, or parents back then, because they weren't doing the stupid shit that I couldn't stand seeing my friends do.

NOW, I'm doing the stupid shit. I cant help it, it's my goddamn time! BUT, AGAIN, I'm left behind. Everyone else has moved on, and they're fucking committing themselves to people for the REST of their fucking lives! I can't EVEN imagine that. Hell, I can barely imagine letting someone in for more than one or two dates. It just seems like I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'm just somewhere else emotionally. There's this one guy who's so interested in me, and he's just fucking annoying me. He's like "Let's hang out!" "Let's hang out!" and I'm like "JESUS CHRIST! I don't have any time."

I don't know. When I seem to find time, I'm usually so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Eat, sleep, study. Sigh...