remembering that feeling...

it was somewhere around december 17th of 2004. the frat was throwing their christmas bash, and since i'd been dating him for a while, i came early to pre-party. i was happy because i had two of my good friends from home coming up to visit me. kristina called, and was lost on campus. on the phone, trying to give her directions, i hear a loud sound and she screamed. her tire had popped, so i had to walk all the way to beering, drunk, and in the rain, to change her tire for her. my phone had died, and christa was freaking out being in town and not knowing where to go. luckily, she called kristina, and found us on the street. tire change completed, soaking wet, we decided to head back to my apartment to change our attire. back at the frat, my boy helped us sneak in the back so the girls wouldn't have to wait in line. the party was great, but we mostly just hung out with our friends in my boy's room. 3 bicardi razz and coke's for christa, and she sat down, looked at the marquee screensaver on the computer, and ran to the bathroom, dizzy, and puking.
suddenly, my old friend from freshman year, mindy, shows up w/ captain, and we're shooting it back like we're playing a game of horse on a basketball court. this proceeds to me giving her a lap dance, simultaneously as kristina was giving my boy one. then, mindy and i start making out, and it was just wrong in many ways. 1. my boy was right there, 2. she is my ex-best friend's girlfriend, 3. i'm gay, she's straight...and liking it, and 4. her boyfriend hates me now.
anyway...christa was shot, so it was time to go home. i was still hanging out with mindy, and kristina was putting christa in the sober driver's car, while trying to convince my boy to leave me because when i'm drunk, i don't care. finally, we all got into the car, and poor christa is still puking in a box we brought for her, though, now dry heaving.
"i keep shooting blanks like a neutered dog!" christa joked....laughs all around.
stumbling up the stairs, the two girls went and slept in roomie's room, while my boy and i took our rum soaked asses to the room that we'd slept together for the past two weeks. i was drunk, and pissed. i couldn't believe that he thought i would just leave my friend puking, and staying at the party.
"i can't believe you think i'm that much of an asshole that i would leave my friend like that!" i exhaled...with a little more ruthlessness than meant.
"kristina said you do this all the time! i thought she would know better than me..." he retorted.
"ohhhhh......ohhhh....i see. i'm sorry, hi! nice to meet you," i said, "i'm an asshole without a heart."
the fight continued, and he moved to the bathroom and locked the door. it was quiet, but i was pretty sure he was crying.
now...i AM kind of an asshole, so i went to roomie's room, kind of giggling.
"girls....i just made him cry!" laughs all around.
walking back to my room and shutting the door, i hear his sobs were gaining velocity.
"tom..." i said, (name changed for privacy). "open the door, i'm sorry."
"tom...please...let me hold you."
slowly the door opened and i raced in and grasped him hard.
kissing the tears off his face, i murmured "i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." over and over.
"we should talk," he said, moving me to the bed. i sat with my legs out, and he climbed on, sitting in my lap, facing me. "where did this come from?"
then, it was my turn to cry. "i guess, i have just felt so unloved all my life, and then you came along, and i was scared. some part of me wants to stay hidden, because it's never going to feel worthy of you."
"phoenix....i love you..." he whispered.
i stopped breathing, moving in general. i looked up at his wet eyes, smiled, and started to open my mouth.
"no....you're drunk..." he said as he covered my mouth with his hand. "let's sleep huh? i want you to hold me."
the next day, i awakened with my head on his chest, and woke him up with a gentle kiss.
he smiled, and kissed me back harder.
"do you remember last night?" i asked.
he smiled and nodded.
'oh god...' i thought, 'here it is, it's coming out...but i think it's true.'
"i love you, tom."
"and i love you too, phoenix."
we made out for a good while, napped, and then saw the girls off for their trip home.
after, we laid in bed all day, just enjoying each other....because we were in love...