Smiling is cute.

Last weekend I went to Bloomington on Friday for a date. I am still receiving flack for what ended up turning into the longest and best dates of my life. His name is Nick, and we met up Friday night. Well, I ended up staying Saturday night too, because we had so much fun together. It was just very comfortable, and I never have had it happen like that before. We did end up going out drinking that night, which turned out to be a bigger ordeal than I really wanted to take on, because he has cerebral palsy. I'm totally fine with it, I mean his isn't really that bad, BUT when he drinks, he does fall down a lot, so luckily I wasn't that drunk, so I could steady him for the walk home.

Anyway, Sunday I got really sick. Like I thought I was dying sick. My phone had died, and I was laying in bed feeling like the world had literally put all of its atmospheric pressure inside of my skull. So, your first instinct isn't to pick up the phone and call people to tell them how bad you feel, right? Well, I checked my messages on Tuesday, and I hadn't any, so I just figured everyone was just assuming I was staying at his place for a while. No no, apparently my mom was about to file a report with the police, so luckily I called on Wednesday telling her I finally felt better and that I was going to come home. Coincidentally, my mother had been contacting all of my friends, NONE of whom, mind you, live in Bloomington, so none of them knew where I was. Even though, had they gotten ahold of Joy, who DOES live in Bloomington, everything would've been ok.

Long story short, I had a good date, but I've gotten so much flack for it that I almost regret it. I really like this guy though. The only thing that concerns me is the fact that he does like to drink a lot, which is totally ok with me, but with his cerebral palsy he does get a little uncontrollable sometimes, and it scares me that he might hurt himself or something. Plus, he can't drive, so it's a one way distance relationship, which really kind of sucks, because anytime I would want him here for a family gathering, I'd have to go pick him up and bring him back, and do it all over again to take him home. I guess it's sort of karma for not having a car for such a long time, and making Justin pick me up all those times.

Gay Guys Drink.

I just finished a weekend of gay boozing. I say gay, because all of it was either with gay people, or at a gay bar. Seriously, those gays love to drink. I was talking to one guy, and he said that he has been out every night for the past 2 months. TWO MONTHS! That's ridiculous, unhealthy, let alone, expensive. Oddly enough, he had the most obtrusive and typical personality, and afterwards I had to profess my dislike for him. Coincidence? I went out both nights to Greg's, or "Our Place" as the older guys call it because that was it's previous name. SFA took me there, and I think he was in a position to think that it was a date, which I MIGHT have let him believe the week before, but both nights I thought I made it blatantly clear I had no intentions of dating. I kept talking about my interest in other guys and I made sure as to not let him get too close, or kiss me. He's a bit upset now, but he'll get over it. I mean, SFA does stand for "Strictly Friends Aaron." Those were our terms when we first met, because he is the first gay guy friend I have made here in Indy. I find myself to be really uncomfortable in Greg's. I don't feel like I fit into the gay culture, or something like that. A couple of guys on Saturday took it upon themselves to give me some tips on how to dress, and redid the outfit I had been wearing. I feel dumb and naive about things like that. I always find myself shocked in the gay scene, which, you would think by now that nothing would phase me. Everytime...it still does. For instance, there was this adorably cute/hot guy probably around my age, and he was sitting at the bar with this guy who couldn't have been any younger than 55. G-ross. As if that wasn't enough, later I saw them making out, and SFA told me that the old guy is always there with younger guys like that. So, I'm thinking they're either escorts, or they are getting some sort of compensation for it all. I just can't imagine being 22 and being with someone who is more than THIRTY years older than me. Sheesh!

Anyway, the weekend was fun. I met new people, which is always great, and I guess I learned a little more about the gay culture, which is always useful. Maybe one of these days I'll understand it all.

I've been missing Justin a lot lately, yet not in the conventional way. The only time I ever miss him is when I go to bed, and I'm hugging my pillow, I remember how great he felt in my arms. "God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay." Thank The Postal Service and Iron & Wine for those lyrics. Other than that though, I really don't miss him. I was thinking the other day, I didn't even cry over Justin. Not one tear. Then, I couldn't even remember the last time I cried, which is very awkward to me. I am usually so in touch with my feelings. Maybe I've become numb.

I've returned

I hope the hiatus hasn't been too long. I had to reformat my computer and get everything working again, and I'm finally back! I will be writing in here more frequently, because my other blogging community has pissed me off, and I will not be returning. You may notice a few changes in the format of things here. I will be writing about my life experiences, posting poems and short stories, making fun of celebrities, and offering reviews of books, movies and music. Kisses to my readers, and I hope you welcome and enjoy the change.

Justin and I are no longer together. We just didn't match at all. It was a pretty good break-up, and we talked a little after that, but then out of nowhere, he went immature and blocked me online. It was immaturity like that that bothered me about him so much sometimes. I still plug a few sentences into his email or text messages, and he responds nicely and like we're friends, yet I'm still blocked. Sometimes I miss him, and then I remember that.

If you aren't already, I would advise you to become familiar with The Raveonettes. "Pretty in Black" is one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. They sort of remind me of a mixture of The Beatles and Blondie.

I went back to Purdue last weekend to see some old friends, and it turned out to be a pretty positive experience. It's funny how nothing ever changes there, like Purdue is some sort of time capsule where some sort of immaturity stays within. I felt like I had grown so much from the individuals I visited. I went hope with a sense of pride and sadness simultaneously. It seems that I left part of my youth in that town, and I think that's why I'm so emotionless now.

More

Americans are often left wanting more. I have given most of the blame for this on technology, because everything is so "instant gratification" these days that if there is any waiting or delay, we get pissed off that we aren't getting our way.

Dictionary.com offers many definitions of the word "more," but my favorite is, "something of greater importance. " Sometimes, still, I find myself wanting more. This often makes me feel selfish and devoid of any pride because really, why can't I just sit back and enjoy what I have? It's always like, "Awesome...I really wanted this Hard-Fi cd...but damn it! I want that Mika cd too!" Why can't I just sit back and enjoy listening to the Hard-Fi cd? The Hard-Fi cd will always be there for me, because...well...it's mine. The Hard-Fi cd is comforting, and pleases me when I need it to. So tell me, why is Mika over there calling my name?

I can tell you why. It's because I want more from Hard-Fi. MORE! At night, when I lie in bed and feel lonely, Hard-Fi isn't there holding me tight and wishing me off to dreamland. Hard-Fi isn't there to kiss me when I don't initiate it. Inanimate plastic tends to not move on its own...especially if it were to involve human emotions. The Hard-Fi cd sings me good songs, and I really like to listen to it...but sometimes I just want it to say more. Like suddenly I will buy the international version, imported from Britain, and it will have one extra song that will make everything complete. That I could finally sit there, and listen to everything Hard-Fi has to say, completely satisfied and happy.

Not to make anything better, but then you're living your life, and eventually you're friends are introduced to the Hard-Fi cd. Well, they don't like it! Blasphemous I tell you! Can they not tell what good music is when they hear it? Hard-Fi makes me happy, and that's all that should matter. You bringing down the cd with all of your negative speak about how weird a song or two is doesn't help me. It actually just makes me doubt my judgement of the cd. I was completely happy, and impressed with Hard-Fi's talent, but now you've gone and suggested something, and the little voice in the back of my mind that MAY have had a criticism, is coming out to meet and greet your opinion, and trying to see if they would be good friends.

So now I want even more from Hard-Fi, like suddenly, they have to reprove their talent to me.

Just maybe I will find that import, and Hard-Fi will give me just the little bit more I want. We'll see...but eventually I will get tired of Hard-Fi, if they can't muster up the talent that Mika is willing to give me.

New Knowledge

It seems Justin and I are now official and all the business. It's been 2.5 years since I've had a boyfriend. I can no longer be that cynical single guy who hates couples! Such sadness... No longer will I have the crazy drunken nights out, dancing, having fun, meeting new people...Actually...more like forgetting everything, being told who kissed me the night before, receiving phone calls from guys that I apparently enchanted the night before and I can't even remember their name, coming home to the lonliness, an empty bed, no one to share anything with... Yeah, I'm really going to miss being single...let me tell ya... Having someone special in your life is really a positive. (Go ahead and puke, Jarred.) Hell, I've lost 15 pounds since I met him. At the launch of seeing him, at first I wasn't sure if, in fact, I was ready to "settle down," as some may say. I was still lingering on those crazy nights that I'd spent, but really, sometime you have to grow up. It's odd and ironic that it took a 20 year old to teach me that. We're getting older, and it's not all fun and games anymore. I mean, sure, it's ok to go out every now and then and have some fun, but if, like at the beginning of college, is a party every night of the week, it's almost pitiful. I, of all people, finally know this.

Stolen Lyrics

It's Monday, thus meaning my weekend date is over. Friday he picked me up, and we went back to his place, ordered pizza and played N64 all night. I apparently can't fight in the battle mode...I'm only good racing the cups.

Saturday we got up and went to lunch at this Guatemalan place that wasn't the best of food, and headed over to see the civil war re-enactment. It was kind of strange. It was a good 20-25 minutes of shooting before someone died. Also, it ended with the Confederates winning. I understand that they DID win some battles, but you think if they're depicting a battle, they would choose the one that was important...ya know...where the Union won. He asked me to stay the night again later on.

Chinese for dinner, bottle of wine, finally I kissed him, played N64, watched some comedy. Something seemed to be missing though: affection. I'm a very affectionate guy, when it comes to dating. I pretty much like to be near, touching, or cuddling anytime we can. It's not like we can openly do that in public, so when I'm in private, I'm like "Put it on me!" He seemed perfectly fine with sitting on the couch like we were two straight guys, or strangers. It bothered me, and honestly I was just ready for Ellen to shut the fuck up so we could go to bed and Sunday, the day I would go home would come sooner. While sitting on the love seat, I said something about looking for an affectionate partner, and I mentioned something along the lines, "So it's not lookin' good for you!" I know it was a joking tone, but I was totally being sincere, and he seemed to shrug it off. Later, in bed, I was ready to end things. He started petting my hand, like I was a cat, and I told him, "Don't even try now...it's too late." Then it sprung into my mind that this meant I would never see him again, and I decided to engage in a conversation about our intentions and feelings. It was really my first conversation of that kind, since Baker never said anything with meaning unless it was online. So I kind of felt like I was just throwing things out there, and he wasn't really answering that well, but I decided I'd give it a shot. We cuddled in bed and such, but once again, on Sunday, it pretty much stopped after the day had started. He seems reluctant to kiss me, turning his head when one should be interested in doing just so.

It concerns me, because this is the launch of a possible relationship, and this is the stage that usually people are all over each other, or at least want to be. I'm afraid that if it's already like this, what's going to happen when the dust settles? Never touch? I couldn't do that. It's strange, I'm finally sitting here at the initiation of a relationship, and I'm looking at possibly throwing it away. I never thought it'd be like this, but I've never had anyone act this way. I guess it's strange going from Andrew to Justin, because from the first date, Andrew couldn't keep off of me, and I liked it. It's almost like I've traveled to the other pole.

I know I feel like I'm singing "More Than Words," by Westlife. (Click the title of the song there and you can refresh your memory on those lyrics.) I couldn't get that song out of my head all day, and then oddly enough I heard it at Wendy's when we were eating. I like the boy a bunch. He called today and after talking to him I grew fond of him again, and can't really imagine giving it all away. I guess I need to just be patient.

Impending...

Turns out Justin took me to dinner last night at Joe's Crab Shack, so that would technically be the 3rd date. Now, since date 4 is already established, I'm pretty sure he's going to be the first guy to make it passed the 3rd date mark. It's been decided that for timing, traveling distance and such for the re-enactment, that I will be staying the night at his place on Friday. He's picking me up after he gets off work, so that should be anytime from 5-6, doing dinner...then, shit, I don't know. I mean, I've never been in this situation. Does the "staying over" part indicate that I am expected to have sex with him? Truth be told, I'm not ready for things to move into a sexual relationship. Honestly, I've never really had that happen....this way anyway. With Baker, everything was drunk, so it didn't really count b/c we didn't have inhibitions anyway. This so-called relationship I have with Justin has been entirely sober.

So really, the dilemma is this: Justin and I have been on 3...semi to very good dates. But...we have yet to kiss. I'm not sure if he's one of those wait around for me to make a move, or what, but it's kind of ridiculous. I'm personally acting like the wait around for a move type, because I don't feel consciously comfortable around him. He's in much better shape than I am...like hard belly and everything...that I don't feel equal enough in superiority to make the move, because he could be like "Ew...this fat, sweaty, and gross man is touching me..." (I've actually heard him utter those words in a story about someone else.) He makes little gestures, like coming in to meet my mother yesterday after dinner. Then we played N64, (because we're just THAT cool) and during Mario Kart he kept tickling me/wrestling...all that good flirty stuff, I assume to drop down the barriers of touching. As we were like cuddling, (Mind you, the only thing of his actually touching me were his legs, he was nowhere near putting his arm around me or anything like me) I kissed him on the cheek, and I'm about 73.5% sure that he went "Tssss...." (You know, that sound people make when they think something is stupid; usually equipped with a roll of the eyes) So I'm like hmmm....strange. Later, he proceeds to put my hand on his crotch, and, well...it was awkward. I didn't do much of anything except for keep removing my hand from there! I'm like SERIOUSLY! What are you wanting? I'm not going to sit here and jack you off while my mother is in the other room. I'm certainly not JUST going to jack you off because you think I'm a hideous beast and wouldn't dream of returning anything near the same favor.

So really now...What IS to be expected of this weekend. Jarred says that because I'm staying the night that we are a couple. I don't think that's true at all...especially with the gays.

Maybe he has a mouth phobia. Anyway...I'm just kind of frustrated about being sincerely clueless.

The Cynical Hopeless Romantic

Today turned out to be a suprisingly efficient day. I went to dinner for Mother's Day at my Aunt Christi's house, and then stopped by Jarred's to see how graduation went.

Sigh... Then my mother dragged me to Taco Bell, which was actually a task with an alterior motive. She wanted to "talk" about my life situation, where I see things going, what's dragging me down, why I'm still in depression, why I'm so angry at her all the time...and so on. The conversation I NEVER really wanted to have, and pretty much avoided at all costs by running out the door so she can't capture me. It actually turned out to be a rather productive speech. I said things that, in hindsight, might not have said with some clear thinking, but I think all the pent-up rage being released was a healthy, growing excercise between our relationship. A lot of our anger is redirected from whom it should be focused on...THE OLD PEOPLE.

Date #3 with Justin is planned this weekend. We're going to see a Civil War re-enactment. I know some of you may say "oh....AWESOME," (Jarred), but I've gotta give 'em somethin'. That's certainly the first time I've been asked out to one of those. It was so funny the way he asked, so proper and planned. "I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to this Civil War re-enactment, and then afterward I thought we could go back to my place and see where things go." I had to hold back a chuckle at the thoughtful, pre-planned delivery, but I thought it was kind of adorable that he spent the time doing just so. Our phone conversations are so pleasing, that I wish I could break the barrier down and get that connection in real life. Now that I know his intentions, I think I can do that. We were talking about raising children as a joke, and he was talking about his kids and Father's Day, and I said something like, "Well, I'm sure that's where the mother figure uses her money and SAYS it's from the kids." (The gift of course.) He replied saying that there would be no mother figure, and I was a little exasperated saying that I assumed he would be raising children with a partner. He said, "Oh...so...that'd be you!" You know me, I melted a little (puke), and I introduced him to my ultimate power of making something romantic and then ripping it all away.

An excerpt.

Me: "At least I'd get to spend time with you."

...............

Me: Puke...I can't believe I said that. See what I did there, I was romantic then took it all away as to show my two sided feelings toward relationships. The cynical hopeless romantic.