But I said stop...

yet, it never did.

I lost something the other night. I lost my innocence, naivity, and my lonliness. The ruffie dropped into my 3rd beer was the catalyst, but it was all his fault. In an attempt to wash myself clean of what had happened with Zach, I slapped on my eyeliner (because I stopped wearing it for him, he didn't like it.) and I was going to go to a possible suitor's to hang out and watch Desperate Housewives. He offered me a beer, but I guess I should've held on to my drink at all times.

I awoke and he was already inside, without a condom, nonetheless. I asked him to stop, and he said he was almost finished. I told him to quit because it hurt, and he wouldn't stop. I pushed with all my might, yet he didn't budge. Damn me for not going to the gym, he was too powerful to me. I was left with nothing else to do, so I turned my head to the side, and with the tears, just asked why.

My soul, and possibly my body, have been tainted. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer have the desire to find a man. I no longer long for a connection. This scares me because that was pretty much all I was living for. Without that, what's left?

I'm waiting to the possible conception point, then going to get tested. Should be some time next week. May karma grant me some luck.


Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like you have been raped. You should consider reporting it. I have also been taken advantage of and the guy was too strong for me to fight. There is no shame in that. It is not your fault. This is not what you were looking for. At least tell somebody about it that can help you, such as a teacher or counselor or doctor. If not reported, this guy will be out there free to take advantage of other innocent victims like you.

Your plan to get tested is a good one. I feel for you buddy. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

mr tickle said...

hey phoenix, assholes like him should be reported and punished. i agree with sue, that it's good to talk with somebody such as a counselor. he or she is often willing to help, and trust me, you will realize what a great thing talking with them is.

also, i hope you do well in whatever you hope to do. there's one word i hope you'd remember in your heart: believe.