Transparent Smile

I don't feel very good right now. In the past two weeks, 2 people I've known have died, both from serious battles with bad diseases. I found out about the second one today, who was one of my favorite teachers in high school. When I had her 4 years ago she was doing chemo, and everything was fine. She had no hair and such, but she was always so brave and happy, and put her problems off just so she could change the lives of some teenagers.

So, I was already in a bad mood, and I sign on to facebook and I see that this guy that I BRIEFLY dated....like...we hung out as friends for a while, then it sort of flew into a fling and then all of the sudden he met someone else. Well, I see that he's now "engaged," well, as engaged as a gay man can be, and it's NOT even to the guy who he met that ended things with me and him. I'm sorry, but I can't help but be pissed off. Here he is, MY age, planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, and I'm pushing guys away as much as possible.

Then I think, it's really my fault. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I have CHOSEN to be single. I have chosen to focus on myself, because right now I really really hate myself. Sometimes I just feel really behind everyone else. My therapist and I used to work on feelings of rejection and being left out because I didn't get the "true" socialization in high school because I never got to date and do the "stupid" relationships that teenagers often do in the early years. Nope, I was seemingly the wise one they all came to for advice, not because I had experience, but because I had an outside view. Somehow, I used to identify more with older people, or parents back then, because they weren't doing the stupid shit that I couldn't stand seeing my friends do.

NOW, I'm doing the stupid shit. I cant help it, it's my goddamn time! BUT, AGAIN, I'm left behind. Everyone else has moved on, and they're fucking committing themselves to people for the REST of their fucking lives! I can't EVEN imagine that. Hell, I can barely imagine letting someone in for more than one or two dates. It just seems like I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'm just somewhere else emotionally. There's this one guy who's so interested in me, and he's just fucking annoying me. He's like "Let's hang out!" "Let's hang out!" and I'm like "JESUS CHRIST! I don't have any time."

I don't know. When I seem to find time, I'm usually so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Eat, sleep, study. Sigh...


Cold-Hearted Snake

Uh-thank you Paula Abdul.

Things are quite a bit different in my life right now. A few weeks back I officially declared myself "off the market." That is, of course, the dating market. I'm not cool enough to have stock in myself...yet. It's this great, clarifying change. I no longer have this need to be with someone, to not feel lonely, and to feel like I'm finally loved. It's strange that you can go on living your life for so long having so many people love you but you take it all for granted. Family..friends...pets...that's the good stuff.

Somehow, on another note, guys seem to be all over me now. Which is strange because I feel in my life that I am the worst I've ever been self-esteem wise. I'm playing the field, but all I'm doing is throwing strike outs. I'm emotionally unavailable somehow. I can spend the most romantic moment with someone, and not feel a damn thing. There's this one guy, Rich, who I have decided I can no longer see because he's falling for me too hard. Where are my feelings? Hell if I know, but they're not there. I've spent the night over there many times, and I'm pretty sure he's in the illusion that we are dating. Which is rather funny because last time I was with him I was so disgusted that I had to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore. It's just not cool being with someone who's totally head over heels for you, and you have nothing there for them except for friendship. There's also a boy named Daniel who I met at the bar, and another one who I met the following week at the same bar. They both seem to like me a bunch too. It's strange, these are actually guys that at one point in time I could have settled with and probably had a long, productive relationship. Somehow, I'm more interested in these two guys I know from online. Maybe it's just physical, I don't know. But I feel more and more like a "promiscuous boy" (thanks Nelly Furtado) and I'm not sure that I like it.

I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's rather an unfortunate time for this to happen, especially it being round 1 of exam time. I think I got through it pretty well though.

Suggested Listen: "Come Around" by Rhett Miller


The Night Before Life Goes On...

Tonight I'm having a party. It wasn't really my choice, but it was let known that it was being thrown for me. So I made up a guest list and sent out invites and stuff, and I can't help but feel a little down about who rvsp'd negatively. Some little part of my mind I guess was hoping someone like Zach or Justin would show up, and maybe I could mend a little something with them. I don't really like having people out there thinking ill of me, since already, just because I'm homosexual, that's happening anyway.

A lot has seemed to be leading up to this day. I did have my EEG this morning, but I won't find out until mid next week what it says.

As I once promised, I am going to start editing, "Written, With Love," and will soon post it on here for your reading pleasure. I'm not quite sure if I like the ending, but whatever. I will have to post it as a document, if I can do that...because it's kind of a long story.

I'm working on another, SHORT story called, "The Beast of Burden." I'll update!



So I finally asked Justin why it ended. The undefined ending was really bothering me, and I had a lot of time today to hash out my feelings and thoughts. Eventually, I decided that I needed a reason to hate him. If I could hate him, I could process these residual emotions and move on with things, free to be whatever. Finally I messaged him, kind of harshly to be truthful. It went something along these lines:

Phoenix: Cliff's Notes version, I need a reason to hate you. If I can find one, I can process and move on freely. We both know you are a bastard, so just let me know what shallow, insincere, thoughtless reason you ended things for.

Well, eventually it came down to it...He thinks I'm VERBALLY DOMINEERING. I chuckle at that, because I actually put those words in his mouth. Originally, it went something lik-a-dis..."Boi, u two smart 4 me." Hahahahaha, no, just playing. It was like, "You make me feel stupid when you talk to me because I feel strange that I don't always know what you are talking about."

Funny. So, actually, it turns out that, in fact, I was too good for HIM!