Shut up and kiss me

I had a great weekend. This weekend was great because 1) I met a boy, 2) I went to X-fest, 3) I played euchre and got drunk, and 4) I met a boy. So why, you say, do I need to vent?

Because I liked the boy.

You may still be confused, so I'll bring it down. Friday my friends and I wanted to play euchre, but we didn't have a 4th. Well, I called Zach the night before to see if he had wanted to play, but he didn't return my call, so I just assumed he was like all the other gay guys who can never live up to what they say. Surprisingly, he called back later in the night. So we went to pick him up. and played and got drunk. It was a lot of fun, and we didn't end up sleeping because we were up talking and making out. During the "session," he invited me to go with him to the X-fest the next day, and that he would buy my ticket. So I'm thinking wow, this boy must actually like me if he's offering to take me to meet his friends and pay for my ticket. So we go to his house to get ready, get alcohol, and head to the concert. He's so cute....god....but I wasn't going to let him know that I thought that. So we tailgated and drank and smoked, which was completely unnecessary because I was still drunk from the night before. Yadda Yadda, fast forward to the night. I'd gotten lost and finally found them again, and we were sitting in the lawn. After a while, he put his arm around my shoulders, and mine around his lower back, and were talking, and he leaned down (he's 3 inchess taller....mmmm) and kissed me. I was like ahhhh, I could DEFINITELY get used to this. Well, then I got worried that we were going to get shot, but I didn't care. lol.

We went back to his house and hung out for a while. A few times eating, or making out. There was one point he was like "Can I come over and make out with you now?" lol. But then at one point he was like
him: You're not the normaly type of guy I look for.
Me: so....then...Why me?
him: I don't know, just kiss me.


him: tell me I'm ugly.
Me: no.
him: tell me I'm fat.
Me: no.
him: I'm tired of people telling me I'm perfect.
Me: (laughs) You're not perfect.
him: You're not perfect either.

So I'm like umm...ok. We went to bed together, and slept naked, but NOTHING bad happened. We just cuddled and talked. Neither of us could sleep, which I didn't mind. I just liked laying with him.

Anyway, I know what I typed doesn't sound bad at all, but I just have this feeling that he's one of those guys that just plays around. Like I would REALLY want to try and progress things with him, but I'm afraid distance will be an issue since we both don't have cars. I don't think I'm "attractive" enough for him.

I'm just going crazy and I have no reason to. My friends are like, don't rugh it, which I know, but I'm just so lonely. and I'm sorry to say it, but I got used to sleeping with him 2 nights in a row. lol. He just made me feel.....good. But I don't think that happened the other way around.

Listen Suggestion: She Wants Revenge- I Don't Wanna Fall In Love


It's always hard to say goodbye...

Recently I've discovered that I'm losing my best friend. Joy and I have known each other since 6th grade, and were inseperable for the longest of time.

She came to me and told me she has 6 months left.

6 months, and then she has a baby.

Now the decision has pretty much been made to leave her alone. I don't want to sit around and hear her debate about the color of the baby's room, which her and the husband have ruled against every color viewable in the visible spectrum.

Then comes the name. Oh yes, they're putting Achilles in the name. You're saying, what in the hell, right? You should be.

Anyway, Joy is MY friend. When I hang out with her, I want it to be us, not a 3some, and not anywhere near the good kind. Forever will I be in the shadow of their marriage, because I am not allowed this right, but now they're procreating, which I neither have the will or desire to do.

So I'm going to spend these six months with my friend Joy, and hope that her fetus is ok, but leave it out of the discussion. After birth, I will most likely slowly disappear. No no, I will DEFINITELY disappear. Children are just icky. And they can name it anything they want, but it's still not going to be a Hero to an entire nation.

Listen suggestion: Joseph Arthur- Devil's Broom

It catches up to us fast.

Recently my attention has been focused to a new finding within myself.

I'm jealous.

Yes, that's right. I'm extremely jealous. I get jealous all the fucking time. If I see a happy couple, I'm panged with disgust, but really it's just the meat wrapped in the jealousy tortilla.
The worst. Oh.....yes...the WORST kind of jealousy I suffer from comes from the past. This was brought to my attention when I was seeing an acquantance of mine, Chris. Chris, 20, was everything I never wanted in a man, but that's part of the reason I was attracted to him. The pillows of his bed talked, and they told me that he'd been with 9 guys. NINE fucking boyfriends, and he's younger than me. I have to buy this kid's fucking alcohol, but he's kicking me in the balls with the relationship tally. The sheets chime in, and they let me know that one of these boyfriends was in his life for THREE years. Let's do the math here, where the FUCK does he have time to date all these guys? You see, I'm 21, and the only thing in my past is a wasted, terribly disfunctional 4 month relationship, and that's stretching it. Wasted, because we were literally 80% of the time drunk together. In comparison, Chris is telling me that he was "engaged," whatever the fuck that CAN be in gay life, and even had a ring. Step back, you just punched me in the stomach, and I can't breathe. You were prepared to spend the REST of your life with this man...and I'm supposed to just be like oh man, that sucks? No! I'm going to be like fucking great....now I'm comparable for the next 3 fucking years.
Needless to say, I stopped seeing him.

Enter Robby. Perfection...to me. He can't see it and it drives me crazy, because I want to tell him how amazing he is, and how amazing he makes me feel. Of course, this won't happen because I don't want to come on too strong and creepy. He's been with 5 guys, one for 1.5 years, and he thinks that a relationship that long will never happen again. So I'm like....why waste my time, right?

Somehow certainty has been lost in the gay community. We will never enter a relationship with security, and will never end with it either. So many of us are jaded to believe that love will never happen to us, so without this inside of us, nothing holds us back from becoming exactly what we don't want to be: a slutty fag.

Being a slut is sort of the "unofficial" right of passage into the gay community. We all talk about our "slut period," and claim it to be over, though I'm sure it's just slowed down. I've been through my slut period, and I hated myself for it. I'm not going to lose hope. I just can't do it. That's right, I'm a hopeless romantic.

But to quote the great gay icon, Janet Jackson, "You have to deal with the past. It catches up to us fast. I know it's painful, but, there you'll find specialness."