The Phoenix

The Phoenix has come out to play. Ever since my last post, I've pretty much been in a drunken coma. I was kicked out of my house, so now I'm living with 2 friends and their child, I don't have a job, and I'm pretty much failing out of school. It's almost amazing at how well I can't succeed.


I'm pretty much in a coma.

I like this video.



But I said stop...

yet, it never did.

I lost something the other night. I lost my innocence, naivity, and my lonliness. The ruffie dropped into my 3rd beer was the catalyst, but it was all his fault. In an attempt to wash myself clean of what had happened with Zach, I slapped on my eyeliner (because I stopped wearing it for him, he didn't like it.) and I was going to go to a possible suitor's to hang out and watch Desperate Housewives. He offered me a beer, but I guess I should've held on to my drink at all times.

I awoke and he was already inside, without a condom, nonetheless. I asked him to stop, and he said he was almost finished. I told him to quit because it hurt, and he wouldn't stop. I pushed with all my might, yet he didn't budge. Damn me for not going to the gym, he was too powerful to me. I was left with nothing else to do, so I turned my head to the side, and with the tears, just asked why.

My soul, and possibly my body, have been tainted. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer have the desire to find a man. I no longer long for a connection. This scares me because that was pretty much all I was living for. Without that, what's left?

I'm waiting to the possible conception point, then going to get tested. Should be some time next week. May karma grant me some luck.


The beginning that ended.

Zach is gone. He met 'the phoenix,' or my alter ego, as my friends put it when they add 'the.' He showed up to come get me, and he had a hickey on his neck. A FUCKING HICKEY ON HIS NECK. I had already drank 2/3 of a fifth by myself, at my friend's, so I was pretty pissed. She was sick, so I ended up going with him anyway. He was high, and that kind of pissed me off too, so we ended up going to a party at Butler, and I got trashed. The last thing I remember was sitting at a table, making fun of a girl. I mean, she just really had BAD hair!

Anyway, I guess him and I got into a verbal fight, but then made up and were making out in the car. When his friend Kelly pointed this out, I guess I punched her in the face. Yep, 3 times. I didn't even STOP kissing him, which I thought was pretty talented.

I was told all this the next day, after we found the mess I had left in the kitchen, attempting to make my drunk ass some food. He laughed, but I saw the fear and concern in his eyes. He was kind of freaked out about what I did, and he couldn't hide it. So yeah, I haven't heard from him since. I got a new cell, so I called to leave him that number, and left the message, "This is my number now, should you choose to call it." I'm guessing that was me giving him the ball, and it was up to him to play his offense.

I'm kind of upset. I say kind of, because, still, he had a hickey on his neck. I'm sure that's why 'the phoenix' came out to play. He had gone out to gay bars the night before, so either a) he's a whore and made out with someone the night before, b) he's seeing someone else, or c) wait, he's still making out with them pretty fucking ferociously because hickies just DON'T happen by chance. We hadn't engaged in the "exclusivity" talk, but still, I'm the type of guy, when I find something I like, I don't look for anything else. (Funny, I just shrugged as I typed that.) And it still hurts my feelings when they are looking for someone else, even if he isn't just mine.

This is why I'm sure I could never do an "open relationship," or anything of the sort. Probably smashing my chances to date a lot of men, or date ones that will just cheat on me behind my back. This is why I'm giving up on men, and getting fat.

Suggested listen: Phoenix- Consolation Prizes


Still here...

Yep, he's still here. I saw him last weekend, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Previously I had made plans to go out for my friend's 21st birthday, but Zach was having a party so I wanted to go to that. Well, we comprised and did both. Zach ended up asking me to stay the night, and I drunkedly obliged. We drank, hung out, goofed around, watched Seinfeld...and then the kissing started. Yeah, it got pretty hot and heavy. Then I realized a few things.

I do not like the 69 position. I get to focused on what I'm doing to enjoy what is happening to me. I have a very unsensitive penis, so I really need to concentrate when someone is giving me head.

He ordered me to give him my first rim job. I was nervous, and had no clue what I was doing. He kind of talked me through it. I was surprised that it wasn't distasteful like I thought.

We were totally in the sex position, but we didn't have any condoms. I thought this was good, because I want to wait a little. I want it to mean something. I've never had sex with someone I was with.

He took me to lunch the next day, and it was nice. Though, he did drop a bomb on me that he wanted a kid.

Anyway...I haven't talked to him since...