Writings About Nothing

Oh....this week. The first part of it was spent digging up a tree stump. Stupid me had to suggest it, and it ONLY took two days of work that my body didn't seem to enjoy. It's late, I realize, but I can't get on a normal sleep rhythm again. Also, there's bugs in my house, so I'm constantly hitting myself to get the bugs off. It's getting ridiculous.

Dead week I'm finding doesn't really exist here at IUPUI. I guess it never was treated the way it was really supposed to be at Purdue though. I can't believe the semester's already over. I'm quite certain this is going to be my last semester....for a while, at least. I have to get a full-time job, for real. I need to start paying off some of this college shit, and trying to set myself up on my own. Living with my mother hasn't really been that bad though. Honestly, I think it's a much healthier living situation than it was with Kristen and April. There isn't such unnecessary drama in my atmosphere that has nothing to do with me. At least here I know it's just between my mother and me.

....That's for about oh...6 more days. Then the Leviathon returns....Grandma. Let's all join in on one goddamn big SIGH...

I predict about 3 weeks I'll be wanting out of the house faster than a male dog mounts a bitch in heat.

It's funny. Sometimes I feel like I really just need someone to come into my life and make it over. Get me a job, an apartment, reliable friends [not saying that the one I have is nothing of the sort...He's probably more reliable than anyone else I know.] and a car....and I would happily just jump in working and start paying for everything that has been bestowed upon me. Yet, it's not that easy. I wish it was, but it wasn't. I have no motivation to go out and succeed in finding all this shit for myself, because it's difficult! I mean, I haven't been employed by a REAL job [not including the orchard...b/c c'mon....really?] for about 2 years. It's ridiculous. What sensible employer would be like YES! Let's employ this bastard who has been doing nothing in his life for...well, let's face it, the past 4 years. Going to college directly out of high school was probably the worst decision I've ever made in my life. Was it just me, or did everyone else feel like they needed to take a year or so off to go explore the world and figure out what's important to them....and possibly find their intended career. Let's look at the past. Oh...Exactly 4 years ago, I was sitting here, so freaking excited to leave high school, cut loose of the bullshit, drama, and friends I didn't need holding me back, and head to Purdue to start my career in Pre-Veterinary medicine. Man...was that deluded. Little did I know I'd enter Purdue and it only take a good 3 months to realize that what I had wanted to do my entire life was not at all what I expected it to be. "Bam! Bitch goes down." [Thank you Tatum, from Scream.] I wandered through Purdue, meandering not finding anything that I liked or excelled at except for partying. I mean really, besides tutoring Lauren in math, I really didn't do anything productive there. I was majoring in partying, and we all know it. Hell, I had two fucking minors in it as well.

I like this Journalism major though. It's "morphenomenal." What I don't like though, are all these bullshit classes I have to take that don't really pertain to my degree. This isn't the best example, because it could actually be used, but I have to take 2 years of a foreign language. Do you KNOW what that fucking means? Just because of that, I have AT LEAST a year and a half left at IUPUI. [spits on UC.]

Ok, I'm gonna stop and try to look at the positives in my life.

I met a boy. His name is Andrew, and we hit it off really well. He's 6'6, but unlike some of the other tall guys I've met, it doesn't make me feel inferior. He's just an all out cool guy, who understands a little bit where I'm coming from. Out last date kind of sucked though, because he was tired, I was tired AND also suffering from withdrawls of nicotine. The date ended awkward with him saying, "I'll see ya when I see ya," and not kissing me. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to see him again, and that sucks. [Oh wait...that wasn't really a positive was it. DAMN!]
Something that isn't necessarily a positive, but I thought was pretty damn funny. The other day someone was bitching to me about something, and I was like, "Wow, that sucks. I'm really sorry for you?" They were like, "What?" and I responded as, "Um....I don't really know. I was trying to be nice. I'm not very good at it." That would be a lol pronounced "lull" from me.

Ok...positives. Ok! I've been finding a lot of sweet music lately. I'm really digging Josh Ritter, The Matt White Band, My Morning Jacket, Sondre Lerche, The Feeling, Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, Amy Winehouse, and Wilco. Some of you are going...."Huh?" Shut up, I know you don't know them....go open up your horizons a little ok Johnny? It's not just fields and 5 cent colas anymore. The Pete Yorn latest album, "Nightcrawler," is amazing. Bloc Party's new cd, "A Weekend in the City" really disappointed me, but it's still listenable. [With the exception that track #5 is amazing.] I musn't lie, I was a little disappointed when I found out the lead singer was black....changed my whole perception of the band. For all you club bumping alcoholics [Like me!] will like the new Timbaland album, "Timbaland Presents: Shock Value." The title makes sense once you listen to the cd. Rarely do you hear much actual vocals from him. It's mostly guest performances by people like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Nicole Scherzinger, She Wants Revenge [awesome song], Fall Out Boy, The Hives, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre, Missy Elliot, and of course, the amazing Elton John. You might notice he's produced a few of those artist's cds. Coincidence? If you don't think so then you're an idiot.

That was positive!

positives: I love peanut butter. I love mexican food....severely. I love Cherry Coke Zero...it's just amazing.

Ok...so you can just go ahead and sit me at the "Girls who eat their feelings table." [Uh thank you, "Mean Girls."]

Wow, I typed a freaking book. Oh! Something funny. I had a dream last night about prom. That's right, high school prom. All I really remember from it was that I was going with Jessica, and we were supposed to meet somewhere and she wasn't there. Then I found her eating McDonald's, AT SCHOOL, with Mr. Barnett. She was all mad at me because I stood her up. I was like "Whatever," [in my best "Clueless" Ambular voice], and then it was fast forward to the prom, and she had a black dress on. Then...here comes the twist. I was being married in a boat to Cleopatra, and we sailed away, but then the King was with Jennifer Gardner as Sidney on "Alias," and he slit Sidney's throat, and carved a deep X into my arm. Bleeding like a bitch out the neck, Sidney still tried to stop the bleeding, and she was insulted at the King that he cut me there because I had previous slit my wrists in my life. [Whoops! That's not fictional.] I was getting tired in my dream, because I was bleeding to death. Slowly my vision started closing in, I couldn't breath....and then I awoke in bed, sweating like a girl with a drunken jock down her neck at a roofie party, and gasping for breath. Good times....good times.

I conclude my writings about nothing with some reccomendations.

Movie: Hot Fuzz
cd: My Morning Jacket: Z
song: "Never Be Lonely," by The Feeling
book: "The Time Machine," by H.G. Wells

[Photo Credit: Mark Mumford (http://www.jamesharrisgallery.com)


I've been down so long...

I'm going through a lot of emotions lately. Technically I should be a Senior in college, but all my fuck ups ruined that. Now, everyone that is my age is graduating in a few weeks, and I feel left out. I feel so unaccomplished, and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm failing this semester.

I met this guy, Andrew. Our first date was amazing. We ended up back at my place, and stayed up til 5 on the couch cuddling. We stayed up so late because we were geniunely having fun, and wanted to be with each other. A few days later, we went out again. We went to Chili's for dinner...and that's really all we had time for, because he had some other stuff to attend to, but he wanted to see me. The date sucked. Like, it was so bad we were actually mentioning to each other how bad it sucked. He was tired, I was tired and going through cigarette withdrawls, and we barely spoke. Now I'm kind of afraid he's giving up, but I can't help but want to pursue, especially if we're only at a 50/50 rate. He's 6'6, and boy does that turn me on. I'm 6'0, so it's not often that I find men taller than me. He's just very masculine, down to earth, and honestly seems attracted to me.

God...my emotions are out of control. My thoughts have changed from, "God...I wish I were dead," to "There's a lot of pills in my closet." I know it's not healthy. I don't know why the darkness has taken me over again. It's like my shadow has moved and is covering my focus. I go through life, one failure to the next, and I know I have so much more in me, but I can't control what happens. It's like I'm living life from afar. It shouldn't be this way. I even took my doctor's advice and started working out 3x or more a week, and really have been keeping up on my meds. I'm beginning to think I was just born a shadow. I was born with no hope inside of me. I can't help but see it reflect back at me, not in a mirror, but in my friend's and family's eyes. It's beginning to get so that I can't look my mother in the face. I know it's probably just me reflecting my feelings from myself onto them, but I go through everyday feeling so tainted with disapproval and failure.

Jeez...I need to find another therapist. I haven't been to one since December b/c she went off my insurance. I miss having an open ear, without opinion.

I'm very disappointed with the new Bloc Party album. Their first album was near genius, and then they sophomore with a sold out, almost Fall Out Boy album...it's sad.

On another note, you should check out the album "Picaresque" by The Decemberists.