the new boy

finally....last night i got to see mr. crush again. he came over and woke me up, so we could go out. ready, we left and he bought me dinner, next to lead me home to smoke a bowl. this turned out to be rather funny, because my lack of sleep was making me hallucinate.
pooja and mandy came over to drink a few rounds, then we left to go to jake's. at the bar, he sat next to the wall, facing me completely...knees on my hip. beers later, i was comfortably resting my hand on his thigh, and it felt nice. shots all around, and then he got up to go the bathroom, and pooja was like...
"dude, he totally likes you."
"oh...no....please..." though smiling at the sheer thought of it.
she kept on, trying to convince me to hit on him. well, they left to go to stacks and see a friend, so he and i moved to a booth. bathroom time for me, and i find a pee buddy who's 21st was that night. my rum soaked ass then went and bought him a shot, and me another beer.
back at the booth, we talked and laughed, and he mentioned he wanted to go to where else so we could dance. i alerted the friends, and we left.
well, we were like 2 of 10 people there, so i let him know i was not going to be dancing with him, but i would play some beer pong. we ended up playing 2 or 3 rounds, but i was doing most of the drinking because he didn't want to get drunk since he had to drive home.
---brief memory fade---
next, we're at my friend john's apartment. john feeds me shots like i'm needing them, but we headed to the porch to smoke. well, mr. crush (he looks like hugo weaving.....hence the pic) got really close and smiled, and i couldn't take it anymore. i grabbed him and pulled him tight and kissed him long, hard, soft...oh any way i could.
open door
"woah...." john says, shocked. he didn't know i'm gay, and i kept apologizing, but he just kept saying, "no man, it's cool, 's cool."
then we left, and made out in my apartment. i begged all i could to try to get him to stay, cuddle, and sleep in each others arms, but he refused. his mom needed the car in the morning.
i woke up in a high....that giggly, smiling, walking on air stuff, but i'm back down now...since everything sunk in. i don't think he's into me....so i'm just left disappointed. what's new in me and guys....ugh

ohhhhh hugo...


remembering that feeling...

it was somewhere around december 17th of 2004. the frat was throwing their christmas bash, and since i'd been dating him for a while, i came early to pre-party. i was happy because i had two of my good friends from home coming up to visit me. kristina called, and was lost on campus. on the phone, trying to give her directions, i hear a loud sound and she screamed. her tire had popped, so i had to walk all the way to beering, drunk, and in the rain, to change her tire for her. my phone had died, and christa was freaking out being in town and not knowing where to go. luckily, she called kristina, and found us on the street. tire change completed, soaking wet, we decided to head back to my apartment to change our attire. back at the frat, my boy helped us sneak in the back so the girls wouldn't have to wait in line. the party was great, but we mostly just hung out with our friends in my boy's room. 3 bicardi razz and coke's for christa, and she sat down, looked at the marquee screensaver on the computer, and ran to the bathroom, dizzy, and puking.
suddenly, my old friend from freshman year, mindy, shows up w/ captain, and we're shooting it back like we're playing a game of horse on a basketball court. this proceeds to me giving her a lap dance, simultaneously as kristina was giving my boy one. then, mindy and i start making out, and it was just wrong in many ways. 1. my boy was right there, 2. she is my ex-best friend's girlfriend, 3. i'm gay, she's straight...and liking it, and 4. her boyfriend hates me now.
anyway...christa was shot, so it was time to go home. i was still hanging out with mindy, and kristina was putting christa in the sober driver's car, while trying to convince my boy to leave me because when i'm drunk, i don't care. finally, we all got into the car, and poor christa is still puking in a box we brought for her, though, now dry heaving.
"i keep shooting blanks like a neutered dog!" christa joked....laughs all around.
stumbling up the stairs, the two girls went and slept in roomie's room, while my boy and i took our rum soaked asses to the room that we'd slept together for the past two weeks. i was drunk, and pissed. i couldn't believe that he thought i would just leave my friend puking, and staying at the party.
"i can't believe you think i'm that much of an asshole that i would leave my friend like that!" i exhaled...with a little more ruthlessness than meant.
"kristina said you do this all the time! i thought she would know better than me..." he retorted.
"ohhhhh......ohhhh....i see. i'm sorry, hi! nice to meet you," i said, "i'm an asshole without a heart."
the fight continued, and he moved to the bathroom and locked the door. it was quiet, but i was pretty sure he was crying.
now...i AM kind of an asshole, so i went to roomie's room, kind of giggling.
"girls....i just made him cry!" laughs all around.
walking back to my room and shutting the door, i hear his sobs were gaining velocity.
"tom..." i said, (name changed for privacy). "open the door, i'm sorry."
"tom...please...let me hold you."
slowly the door opened and i raced in and grasped him hard.
kissing the tears off his face, i murmured "i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." over and over.
"we should talk," he said, moving me to the bed. i sat with my legs out, and he climbed on, sitting in my lap, facing me. "where did this come from?"
then, it was my turn to cry. "i guess, i have just felt so unloved all my life, and then you came along, and i was scared. some part of me wants to stay hidden, because it's never going to feel worthy of you."
"phoenix....i love you..." he whispered.
i stopped breathing, moving in general. i looked up at his wet eyes, smiled, and started to open my mouth.
"no....you're drunk..." he said as he covered my mouth with his hand. "let's sleep huh? i want you to hold me."
the next day, i awakened with my head on his chest, and woke him up with a gentle kiss.
he smiled, and kissed me back harder.
"do you remember last night?" i asked.
he smiled and nodded.
'oh god...' i thought, 'here it is, it's coming out...but i think it's true.'
"i love you, tom."
"and i love you too, phoenix."
we made out for a good while, napped, and then saw the girls off for their trip home.
after, we laid in bed all day, just enjoying each other....because we were in love...


some changes in mind...

i've decided this is going to be my g-rated site, with my feelings, thoughts...blah blah. my sexual stories will now be located at my other blog, the sex in homosexual.

LOTS of drinking and celebrating lately....i'm pooped.

does anyone know who this boy is? he's so incredibly gorgeous

what i would give to be with him...


the perfect man

i saw like my perfect man today. pooja had gone out and drank with this guy erik, and he was passed out on her couch. well, she wanted to go to taco bell, so i offered to wake him up. she pulled back the blanket, to reveal this beautifully goofy boy. his shorts were riding low, revealing his calvin klien boxer briefs. his gray purdue shirt was ruffled up, and i could see his hard belly, with a great little happy trail. i literally gasped. sure, he was drunk, and his face was red from smashing it on the table, but he turned over and smiled and my knees went weak. his sexy body overtook me, and his muscular arms caught my eye and i almost drooled. he stood up, and he was 6'7, i know cuz i asked. i think tall guys are so fucking sexy, but being 6'3 myself, i don't really find taller guys much. i'm tired of leaning down to kiss someone! the night continued on, and we hung out for a while. i didn't want to, but i had to pull myself away to go study.

i'll probably never see him again. that just makes me feel worse. my family has apparently decided to disown me....god damn it. when will i stop fucking up my life?


my two loves....one old, one new

and of course....my favorite, dark phoenix
oddly enough...no, i'm not named after her. haha, my parents have a reason....but yeah...that's not it.

and omg....i can't freaking wait for the movie! if you like the x-men, but don't want to see this spoiler....then don't watch the video! (here's a hint....bolivar trask!!!)

bruno gagliasso

aren't you in love?


phoenix has returned...

sorry for the brief post hiatus. i turned 21. 2 cuts on my hand, a bleeding toe, scraped elbow, and 2 bruises later, i'm alive....though, not proudly. i got kicked out of where else, and fell asleep in the street. i made out w/ my ex on friday, and most of my friends. saturday, i made out w/ my best girlfriend's fiance. yep 3 times. he liked it. he told her the next day, "now i know why you like kissing him so much!" haha.

finals on thursday. i'm pissed b/c i couldn't find anyone to go out w/ me yesterday.

slavco tuskaloski