that loving feeling

yesterday i was cooking in the kitchen (louisiana red pepper chicken if you wondered), and i had a memory.

nervously i messaged him, asking if he'd like to join me for fajitas that evening. happy, i read that he'd "love to."
after asking my roommate if he could give us some private time, he arrived, wearing jeans and a tee, which i found rather sexy. walking up toward him, my hands met his face and i kissed him rather forcefully. surprised, he laughed after, because we're goofy like that. serious stuff wasn't our deal. i took the chips from his hand and made my way to the sizzling vegetables. i was focusing on the vegetables, and then a strong hand slipped around my stomach, which twitched at the surprised touch. his left hand was on my neck, which he was also kissing tenderly. i love it when he kisses my neck, and i moaned and started to get hard. i spun around and shoved him agaist the cabinets behind him, and dove into his mouth like a falling plane.
the kissing lasted quite a long time, until the sound of the sizzling pulled me away. he looked into my eyes, and smiled that goofy smile he loved to give me, and asked if he could help with anything. i gave him the task of browning the sirloin. side by side, talking about the day and laughing, i couldn't help to realize how nice it felt.
'i can't wait to live with someone and feel like this,' i thought.
after eating, i reached out to start cleaning up, and he grabbed my arm and pulled it away. after a soft kiss, he told me to relax and that he'd clean everything up. i just fell harder. i stood behind him, arms around his tight stomach, the entire time he washed the dishes. my favorite part of the night was heading up.
i picked him up, his legs straddling my hips, lips touching the others, and carried him to the bathroom. now, i told you we didn't like serious things, so when we hit the bed, we started wrestling. giggling and being foolish, i pinned him down hands over his head. he writhed underneath me trying to break free.
smiling, i said, "you might as well stop trying. i'm stronger than you."
"quit going to the gym so much, you're making me feel inferior." he chuckled.
"oh, you know you like it, otherwise you would've quit dating me a while ago," i said.
goofy smiled on, he leaned up to kiss me and i pulled away. he tried again, and i pulled away again.
i was still holding his hands above his head and he said, "please, don't tease me. i just want to be close to you."
hard-ons raging and rubbing together through our pants, i leaned down and whispered, "let me control you."
pulling away, i saw the fire in his dark, green, sexy eyes, and he couldn't help but smile.
swiftly, i pulled him up and his shirt came off with it. i took mine off and moved him around to my favorite position, him on my lap, facing me, legs straddling my torso, where i had complete control of him. i kissed his chest, and teased his nipples with my tongue; it drives him wild. running my hands through his dark hair, i kissed him hard like i would die if i fell off his lips.
then, i picked him up and threw him up by the pillows, and we laughed in unison. i ripped his clothes off, and dropped my trousers and boxers. standing in front of him, i just looked at him. his muscular arms were flexing as held himself up, moving toward broad shoulders. my gaze went down his body, and i was rock hard with excitement. i'd never felt passion before, and it's so fucking sexy. i noticed he was staring at my cock, with eager eyes like he was a child ogling at a new toy he wants. he knows better than to move, and his hands were shaking with anticipation. he looked up into my eyes, pleading without speaking to let him have it. i nodded and smiled, and he jumped down on the floor and had his mouth on my dick as fast as my next heartbeat. for being a newbie (i was the first guy he'd ever touched), he was rather good at giving head.
next, i pushed him against the wall and started fucking his face. he was gagging pretty bad, because i'm not necessarily "average," so i pulled away so he could compose himself.
i told him to lay on the bed, and i kissed him, then moved over to tongue his ear. he started moaning, loud enough that i was glad roomie wasn't home. dragging my tongue down his solid body, he arched his back because of the intense pleasure i was giving him. teasing his balls with my tongue and his ass with my finger, i finally gave him what he wanted. i took all of him at once, because i don't gag, and his legs started quivering. massaging his thigh with my left hand, i grasped his cock with the right, and mimicked the motion of my mouth. it didn't take long until he warned me he was gonna cum, and i pulled back and watched him squirt all over his belly, chest, and face. i laid down next to him, and he crawled down to my cock, now throbbing so hard i thought it might explode. he likes to give head, so i held back as long as i could before cumming.
he laid back next to me, and we compared the distance to see who shot farther. i always beat him in distance, but he wins at volume. he climed on top of me and pressed his face into mine. i didn't close my eyes, because we always played a little game where we try to catch the other with open eyes. he saw me and pulled back.
"stop! that's creepy!" he said.
"come here," I said while rolling him on his back. "look at me."
then, i slowly moved in, keeping my eyes on his, and we kissed. it was such an amazing feeling. i was overwhelmed with closeness, and it just felt spetacular to be able to look at someone like that.
we moved to the shower, where we lathered each other up. he always says i turn the water on too hot, so he turned it down. i am not used to such a low temperature, and it was winter, so i'm standing there, shivering. he noticed and held me close, so it was better.
still naked, we crawled in bed and started watching my season of queer as folk. after three episodes, he said he was tired. knowing him well enough, i knew this meant he wants to focus on me, and not the tele. we kissed for a long time, and i got hard again because kissing turns me on. he went down and serviced me again, this time taking my load down his throat. he usually couldn't go back to back, so i didn't need to do anything else to make him happy.
he rolled over and stuck his butt out, his body asking to be next to mine. i moved my right arm under his pillow, wrapped my left arm around his chest, folding my fingers into his, and intertwined our legs.
"you make me feel so safe..." he whispered.
and after quite some time, consciousness was drifting away, but i still heard it. he thought i was asleep. a soft voice said silently, "i love you."
i smiled, and kissed the back of his head. i fell asleep easily, because now, i was the one who felt safe...


...you think i'd know by now

i'm back. one of the best weekends after under my belt. i ended up going to iu since i couldn't find a ride back to purdue. drank for 16 hours on saturday. good times.

...then i came back. back to news so upsetting that i was overwhelmed with not feeling anything. hard to explain, but i guess i'm just in shock. i cannot believe what i've done with my life. now, it's pretty much over. i can't write about it now.


squirrels get more action than me...

i'm freaking sick and tired of people yelling through my fucking window. just because i live on the first floor, that doesn't mean you should yell in my window and scare the fuck outta me!

i've got to head home in a few hours, hopefully just for the night. i don't want to miss grand prix another year. plus, i didn't end up going out last night, so my party bone is itching.

god...i love tiago.

thanks to aron from men behaving badly for mentioning. i don't get much traffic since just started.

here's some hot boys to enjoy while i'm gone.
mateus verdelho
luke dennett
lukas ridgeston
thomas vincent
sean faris

i've really been enjoying the blog by jared at completely naked. though, i'm really confused at his situation. like he has all these stories and they talk about how much he loves nathan, but then he talks about having sex with other people. and i think they might live together with jeff. who knows...the gays are confusing.


past recourse

awakened by loud sounds coming from somewhere, i turn over and realize, it's my alarm. i sit up to prepare for class, and suddenly...
'oh my lord, i'm still drunk! wait, what happened last night?'
i search the depths of my mind, and am surprised to find that i can recall the entire night. it went a little something like this...
after leaving a friends, completely exhausted by the weeks excursions, i planned to call it an early night. i got somewhat distracted on the computer, so i climbed in bed around midnight. watching some will and grace, the angel of sleep was getting closer. knock, knock, knock.
"are you alana's friend?" said the female voice.
"will you go to the front door?" she said.
searching for some clothing on the floor, i am filled with worry that maybe something bad has happened to alana. i open the door and find two stumbling girls, alana, and an unknown. drunked than an irish on st. patty's, they come in and convince me to come back to the apartment. agreed, i change and walk to the apartment just across the street. i enter and find 3 boys. shaking their hand, i instantly forget their names and head in the direction of the alcohol. half and half, rum wih coke, i get comfortable.
the tele was on, and most attentions were directed toward the cubs game. as it ended, it was time for a shot. ron rico rum...not the best. i use the remaining alcohol for another 50/50, and i start to feel the affects b/c i hadn't eaten all day. drink down, i take the drunk girl's cup, cuz she was passed out, and drink that. alana offered me her drink, and i drank that as well. then, i found a bottle of 50/50, and sucked on that. drunk girl, by the way, who was 17, leaves, and so does the hot boy. 3 of us left, we start drinking captain morgan. alana shoots one w/ me, and then i took two more.
it's getting late, so alana and i move downstairs to her apartment. there, we sat and talked, and i went through all her old alcohol bottles attempting to make some more shots. surprisingly, i made two more, and then we realize it's already 6am. i walk home, ate some popcorn and cheese, and retired for the night.
missing my class was bad, especially since i was to turn in my portfolio. hopefully i can get an extension.
then, the pain comes in as slow as a turtle walking home. eventually it piled up, and the pain was so unbearable. forcing water down to hydrate, i finally accompany the water with 3 tylenol pm's. it's a win/win really, i either was going to lose some pain, or sleep, and i succeeded.
awakening the second time, it's 8;37, so i watch some tv. at 10, i showered, and prepared myself to go out again. now, it's the wait for tonight's party.
this year's grand prix week is making me feel like a freshman again. luckily, i'm going home tomorrow, so i'll have one night to break the cycle....whew. party on!
the boy below looks like the hot boy at that apartment....body and all.

you're jealous you weren't at that party now, huh?


down the bottle

it's always evident the day after i drink. usually ensuing depressed entries in my blog, and the irresistible urge to give in to sadness, and let the blackness succumb my soul. awakened today, will and grace waiting to be viewed, an emptiness fills my arms. something's missing, and the realization it's a man overwhelms me, and i lay in bed, vulnerable and unwilling to greet the seemingly hopeless day. wishing the image to the left was my life, i fight staying awake, but the hangover pursues and doesn't allow sleep. of course, thank you karma, i get to enjoy laying in bed in pain. pain screaming through every cell, physical, yet, more emotional. i'm reminded of my ex, my one and only. my arms literally ache because they yearn for him to come back and fill my soul. sad, i'm empty until someone put their arms around me. recently, drinking and home from the party, lonliness controlled me, so a message to a friend was being typed for him to come and cuddle. strangely, he comes, and eventually he's sitting in my lap, arms wrapped around, and staring into my eyes. i feel good, but the realization that there's nothing behind those pupils overcomes me. there's no feelings. still empty. he leans in to kiss. mistake. my soul seems to pour out if someone touches my lips, and i'm fooled into thinking i may feel more than friendship. awaking in his arms, dillusioned, i smile and feel good. the time was for enjoying, and i did just that. he arised and swiftly left. time passes and the disillionment follows like a new puppy following it's owner. the pain sets in, and stays. sure, days go by and it subsides with the presence of friends, alcohol, or more frequently both. as sure as the sun will set, the pain comes back. my best friend.
shots of bacardi following no sleep and eating nothing but some carrots, i'm easily intoxicated. fine by me.

am i always to be alone?
cameron mathison...enjoy


Entry into a world of pleasure...

i'm happy to unveil this new blog for me. the picture in my profile is obviously not me, it's tiago riani, a terra "the boy" model. personally, he's one of my favorites. basically i'm planning to take this blog in a few directions, but mostly just posting pictures of really hot men. hopefully you'll like it.

introducing: mateus verdelho
this hunk of meat is another terra boy. i really reccomend the site, especially if you like hot guys for your desktop. the site is below.


i'm rather partial to this photo b/c he looks like the boy i first had real feelings for when i was in high school. of course, he was younger, and not out, so things never really happened. though...one time we were traveling with our show choir, and had a 3 night stay to perform for branson showcase. me and (we'll call him) mark were roomies, and there was just 3 of us in our room. 2 beds, 3 boys, so we alternated sleeping alone. the night mark and i slept together, we both were wearing nothing but shorts. the tension inside of me just laying next to him was enough to get me hard. i laid there, imagining how it would feel to slide my hands over in bed and caress his strong, football player muscles, and climb on top. my mind imagined me sitting on his rock hard pole, still caged in his shorts, and madly pulling his hands behind his head and make out with his like i was a snake, and he was my prey. then, i slowly would run my tongue down his tight six pack, making sure not to miss a spot, finally reaching the top of his pants. i would slip my lips around his dick while still in his shorts to tease him. i hear him moan with pleasure and he flashed me a face that made me know he wanted me bad. finally, my tongue outlined the edges of his package, paying careful attention to his ballsack cuz he moaned so loud every time i touched it.
"mark, you'll have to be quieter. remember, he's sleeping in the other bed," i said
softly, so just to tantalize and tease, i lightly run my wet tongue up from his balls and up his rigid cock. i was impressed by his thick manhood...all i could think about is how i wanted him to penetrate my ass for the first time because it'd all be for love. he let out a long, exasperated breath, and then he roughly tosses me to the side with his hard muscles, and jumped on me. suddenly, he was on top of me....
'wait, what? he really is on top of me! it isn't a dream....ohhhhhh god!' i thought my brain was going to explode with excitement.
the realization comes that yes, he is on top of me, and ohhhh, it feels good, but, he's asleep. i feel bad, so i try to move him back, but he's heavy with all of those muscles. next, i sigh, mostly in relief, and realize that his crotch is right on top of my right hand. cautiously, i let my hand feel around, and i found his cock, and i groped it ever so gently as to not wake him up. my heart was racing so bad, and my breathed shallowed, and i realized i was so hard precum was just oozing out. i wondered if he was really awake, and liking the current events b/c we did flirt all the time. my cock was pressing hard on his thigh, and i knew he would be able to tell i was getting moist. surprise! he starts to get really really hard, and i'm just about to flip a lid. my curiosity continued, and i started pulling up his shorts from the bottom, and reaching up inside. my hand caressed his his throbbing cock, and he instantly sat up. i stared at him with fear and excitement in my eyes. he looked back with surprise, curiosity, and tiredness. he shoved over to his side of the bed, and it was over. i laid there with so many thoughts in my head wondering what he would do, and if he would remember.
then, after laying there for about 2 hours in sheer pleasure, excitement, and fear, sure enough, he rolled over on me again. this time i was just so happy for his touch, and i thought that he seriously had to know what he was doing, because i doubt that would randomly happen twice. instead of groping, i just decided to put my arms aroud him, and hold him as long as i could. that moment will be one of the most memorable times in my life. there, with him in my arms, everything melted away, and nothing existed except for me and mark in that bed, suspended in time...
ohhhh....what a nice night.

i close with a photo of lukas ridgeton, my favorite porn star. if i could have the perfect man, he would look just like him. he is a bel ami model, and can be found here.

Good day, all.