The Tear

He lay his head down to rest on the pillow normally designated as rest on the living room couch. He was certain that he had happiness inside of him, and was surprised to find that his cheeks were moistened. Were these tears of sadness coming from somewhere inside, somewhere he had been hiding from himself?
The boy’s thoughts fleeting through his past days.
Nearly a week ago, it was decided between the two that a day date should take place. Justin was to drive down to visit, and go see a movie….
When Justin walked through the door, I was elated to see him. Though a mere two days had separated them, it was enough to long for his touch. I walked toward him, and leaned down to kiss him gently, and smile back at him when he goofed out a little greeting. He reached out to offer me his homemade chili that he had the night before promised to bring me.
I moved him to the couch, and we cuddle a little, discussing what we had foreseen for the day. He needed to do a little shopping for some friends, and I obliged. Also, we planned for a movie.
After the shopping, I directed him to the theatre, and we decided up seeing “Stranger Than Fiction,” because I thought it looked good, but mostly it was the only thing on around that time. I bought his tickets, and we headed into the theatre, after buying the free concessions offered to us.
We were the only two in the theatre, so we cuddled just as much as we wanted, and during the boring parts, kissed each other fervently. It was nice to have him all to myself, for once, without roommate distraction.
We left the movie, a little disappointed with the performance the silver screen gave us, and decided just to head back to the apartment.
I led him straight to the couch, where we joked around, kissed, touched, and just had plain had fun.
The time had arrived for him to leave, and I was a little sad, but I knew it was forthcoming. With a long kiss goodbye, I sat down, full of happiness, yet still mixed in with some confusion.
Who knew what laid ahead for us. I could only sit there full of hope, with a silly grin upon my face.
The next night, the roomies and I planned on going out to the bar, in which I was going to be the tag-along, or 3rd wheel, whichever you prefer. In retaliation, I called Justin to invite him as my date, but he didn’t answer, so I promptly left a message.
I was disappointed when I didn’t hear back from him, but nonetheless, had fun.
The following day arrived, and I woke up and signed online. Justin messaged me saying, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I’m sick, and I just found out my grandma died.”
Forgiven. I mean, you can’t even remotely be mad at someone when they give that as an explanation.
He proceeded to tell me that he would be going home the next day. I was overcome with sadness, because “home” meant Illinois, and that meant I would not be seeing him over the holidays. I couldn’t really express my disappointment too much, because we aren’t a couple, and I didn’t want to load on too much. I definitely didn’t want him to feel any bit of guilt for leaving me, especially with a deceased family member to deal with.
“So…I am not going to see you for a while,” I asked, though I knew, still hoping he might say differently.
“Nope,” he replied.
I couldn’t really say more than that, because I’m not good with sympathy. I offered my condolences and scattered quickly offline to leave it at that.
Departure Day had arrived, and I was downtown eating with the family. My original intention shattered by death of having him meet my family during this annual gathering of ours. Eating at the Old Spaghetti Factory, I couldn’t help but notice we were only 2 blocks from another, him being at the Purdue vs. Butler basketball game.
In a lame attempt at contact, I called with the apparent reason to ask him who won, only I knew I just wanted to talk to him. He offered no response on the phone, and a message was followed. Nervously, I gabbed out something stupid, hanging up and hitting myself subconsciously for being stupid.

The boy waited for a response. The wait was normal, yet still not bearable.
He was offered nothing the rest of the day.
Or the following.
Yet, he was surprised at the events that were to occur this second day of waiting…

Aimlessly wandering among the web, I was surprised to find someone from my past reappear. Jon and I had met once before, and hit it off entirely. He was a fellow student at my college, and our date turned out to be stimulating and casually fun.
I inquired as to what happened to him, because he had disappeared from the face of the earth since our meeting. He apologized in response, and told me what had been going on with him.
Surprisingly, he asked me to a movie. I agreed, and before I knew it, I was riding beside him in his car once again.
It was awkward, but not seeing him again. It’s like seeing an old friend, where you know them somewhat, but you know they’ve changed.
We attended a showing of “Happy Feet,” with only 2 other couples in attendance. Even though there was a couple behind us, in plain view of the two of us, I still grabbed his hand.
Why, you may ask, because I’m previously invested in Justin? Well, simply because I wanted to. So that’s that.
We continued to move closer and closer to one another, him finally resting his head on my shoulder.
At the conclusion of the movie, the 2 other couples exited the theatre, and I offered him a kiss as an expression of my gratitude for the movie. It was a great kiss. A slight, tender pause, and it was over, yet it lingered. Lingered so much that I continued it after buckling my safety belt in his vehicle.
We decided then to go grab some food, and ended up at La Bamba, because it was the only restaurant open that late at night. Good food, and good company, always leaves me with a smile.
After, he brought me back to his place, where we shared some cigarettes, and had some very long kissing sessions.
His roommate then came home, and I met him and his friend, who were both very welcoming, and easy to talk with. Though, that has never really been a problem of mine.
They invited me to partake in smoking some bowls, but I refused, and Jon offered watching a movie.
The movie turned into a kiss, a kiss into making out, making out into him leading me to the bedroom, the bedroom leading to being nude, and some friendly touching. We ended up making out for over six freaking hours. It was amazing. I can’t lie.
Waking up, I was greeted with a minty kiss, which also turned into another make out session. We cuddled, and then decided to go grab some food and go shopping. I had to finish my seasonal shopping, so we opted for a restaurant connected to the mall.
Good food and good company continued. I dropped money like I had it and it was fun.
In Old Navy, looking at baby clothes, I stole a kiss when no one was near. He was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. Moving to the men’s section, hanging in the pajama section was this hat that appealed greatly to my senses.
“This hat is awesome,” I said.
“Um, no it’s not,” he cajoled.
“It’s adorable! I love it!”
“It’s stupid.”
“You crazy…” I laughed.
Finally done with shopping, I offered for him to come meet my roommates, and he eagerly agreed.
He did amazingly well with them, but it was time for him to go. I walked him to his car, and gave him a long goodbye kiss.
When I came back in, smiling, Kristen was told me that I was supposed to look under the pillows. When I pulled back the pillows, what was there? The hat that I adored. He had bought it for me secretly. I got a little teary from this, because that was probably the sweetest thing someone has done for me.
Later that night, still elated from my date, but confused because now I have two men in my life, I suddenly was messaged by Justin.
We talked about what he was going through, dealing with the death of his grandma and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel for him. I do really care for him so much, and I wish I could be there for him, and I wanted to say something like that, but I still don’t know where the boundaries lie.
I left our conversation, because I had a girlfriend over and we were watching a movie, more confused than ever.

The boy raised up after reliving his past days out in his mind, and wiped away the wetness from his skin. He looked around precariously, almost looking for the answers in his mind.
What should he do? He feels for both of them. Jon seems like the best bet, but he still couldn’t help but feel intrigued and challenged by Justin. It would be so much easier if Justin were here for him to talk to, but that was no option.
Sooner or later, he will have to decide. The boy did not want to continue on in this confusion, and he knew that one day, the decision will be brought about to commit, but by whom is unknown.
The boy supposes he will wait until that day to come, and he felt the last tear fall from his face. That lone tear landed on the pillow, seemingly holding the answer, but disappeared before he could read what it told.
The tear was gone, and so was his certainty.
Suggested Listen: Muse- Supermassive Black Hole


The Continue

And the 4th date is concluded. Not only am I in new territory, but I'm in a completely unknown place. This is no Lewis and Clark mission, this is the first mission to Mars. I'm so confused, distraught, and just plain don't understand, but....I'm happy. After our date, which was an all day thing, including many things, one of those, most importantly, being cuddling and making out. Yes, that's right, I said making out. It was fun, and nice, and I forgot how it felt to be so close to someone like that. Proximity wise I mean, not emotionally. After the conclusion of our date, I sat at home, giddy, and satisfied. So much so that I actually took my roommate out for an extravagant dinner, which, in truth, should have been for him. Well Justin, you do still surprise me. Anyway anyway, back to what I was saying, concluding my dinner and some movie watching, I came online, and read that his away message said, "Palpitations." I wasn't quite sure whether that was a good thing or not, but I'm concluding that it's for the better end of the inquiry. Which, still, surprises and excites me. I'm just glad that finally something seems to be working, though I'm knocking on wood and punching myself in the face for putting that into print. The holidays are coming, which is a stiff time, so I'm not sure what that will bring, but then again, I guess, I need to go in willingly and wholeheartedly.

Until the next post. Happy Holidays.

Oh, and other than Justin, my life seems to be improving as well. (Minus family).


What in the hell

So....is it just me, or is everyone like in love? I mean...jesus, maybe it's just me noticing more because it's the holidays and well, I'm alone. Seriously though, it seems everyone is in a couple. It's like a secret club that I haven't been invited to, and may never be. And it makes me feel weird to talk to the club members because they might say they "understand," but really they don't CARE, because, well, they're in a club...duh. I had this boy Justin over on Sunday, and that was our 3rd date. I suppose things are going really well, I mean, we cuddled and kissed and stuff (puke, I know...), but after he left, I kind of had this little grin on my face. Hold on...let's wait for 20 minutes to set in, and then I'm like WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I can't imagine being in a relationship. Like, ever. Not that I want to run around to the tune of Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" for the rest of my life, but I seriously can't imagine it at all. Let's take a look back at my romance history. I've had one boyfriend. 4 months...IF even that. Truthfully, it was a terrible relationship, because it was both of our firsts, and he was closeted. Oh well, right? Basically, since I'm gay, that was the equivalent of me having a stupid high school relationship that everyone leaves high school with the knowledge and growth of "Why the fuck did I do that?" You think back to your high school days for an example, and nod your head in agreement.

So here I am, 21 years old, with one 19 year-old, high school worthy relationship under my belt, and I'm like WHA???? I'm 21. I mean, c'mon, I'm 21. People my age are getting MARRIED, or already are. It's nuts! I can't even imagine being close to someone like that. Truthfully, it freaking scares me. I'm not sure if it's that typical, "I don't want to get hurt thing," because you know me, if it was that, I wouldn't be afraid to say it. It's like, I'm SO used to things staying on the surface. I haven't made it passed a 3rd date to THIS day. You know you can't get anywhere with that. I realize after the 3rd date that I can feel myself slowly attaching, so maybe I run away. I'm so used to the "meet and greet," and realizing right away that I don't see anything happening with this guy. I mean, sure, there's been guys that I could've seen something happening with, but one reason or another, I ran away from it. So what happens now? I might have found someone to go passed this 3rd date point. I mean, we've had our 3 dates, and I'm still interested...so NOW WHAT? Now, I crap myself, and have to decide if I'm to move on into the unknown.