Things are still changing. The boys as quick as my life. One time seems to be enough lately. A friendly exchange can be fun, but apparently just not enough.

I don't really feel that I belong anywhere. My new living situation has been nothing but gracious to me, but I feel I need to move on. Maybe it's the nomad in me, itching to break free. I almost actually turned to my mother today for a shoulder and some advice, but that seemed too typical, and I couldn't help but not want to do that. I feel I need to solidify my groundings before I can really continue to focus on anything else in my life. I need a permanent living situation that I approve of, a steady job, a car, and THEN I will think seriously about my career and a boy. It's like I keep putting my shirts in the washer, but the spin cycle never stops and I can't reach the end with a shirt that I can continue to wear.

I'm going to try as hard as I can to take my focus on finding this so-called love. It really does rule my life at times. Today I brokedown in the bathroom (secretly so my roomies wouldn't find out.), because a boy told me that he liked spending time with me, and he thought I'm really cute, but that he didn't think he should "get more involved has been my fear that you have a lot going on/ a lot to deal with that i don't know if i can deal with too." It wasn't necessarily the let down by yet another man, but more or less the fact that I know that my life is actually THAT bad that someone won't date me because of it.

[side note] I hate people who stop talking to their friends just because they met a significant other. Then if they break up, come crawling back and expect you not to care.

I've made the decision to drop the semester. I'm too far behind, and if I do it now, my GPA won't suffer from it. Now, I'm off to see the wizard, and maybe he'll give me a job.

[P.S.] To my readers: I do, in fact, "get help." I have been medicated for over a year now, and talk to a therapist bi-monthly.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear that you are getting help. Don't be afraid to show your roomies what you are going through. I am sure they will be there for you. Maybe rethink going to your Mom for her shoulder? Dropping out for the semester to protect your GPA sounds like a plan too. I'm not surprised that someone would want to hold off on getting involved when you are going through so much right now. But, it gives you an impetus to do better. Doesn't it? Be well and take care.