I'm going through a lot of emotions lately. Technically I should be a Senior in college, but all my fuck ups ruined that. Now, everyone that is my age is graduating in a few weeks, and I feel left out. I feel so unaccomplished, and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm failing this semester.
I met this guy, Andrew. Our first date was amazing. We ended up back at my place, and stayed up til 5 on the couch cuddling. We stayed up so late because we were geniunely having fun, and wanted to be with each other. A few days later, we went out again. We went to Chili's for dinner...and that's really all we had time for, because he had some other stuff to attend to, but he wanted to see me. The date sucked. Like, it was so bad we were actually mentioning to each other how bad it sucked. He was tired, I was tired and going through cigarette withdrawls, and we barely spoke. Now I'm kind of afraid he's giving up, but I can't help but want to pursue, especially if we're only at a 50/50 rate. He's 6'6, and boy does that turn me on. I'm 6'0, so it's not often that I find men taller than me. He's just very masculine, down to earth, and honestly seems attracted to me.
God...my emotions are out of control. My thoughts have changed from, "God...I wish I were dead," to "There's a lot of pills in my closet." I know it's not healthy. I don't know why the darkness has taken me over again. It's like my shadow has moved and is covering my focus. I go through life, one failure to the next, and I know I have so much more in me, but I can't control what happens. It's like I'm living life from afar. It shouldn't be this way. I even took my doctor's advice and started working out 3x or more a week, and really have been keeping up on my meds. I'm beginning to think I was just born a shadow. I was born with no hope inside of me. I can't help but see it reflect back at me, not in a mirror, but in my friend's and family's eyes. It's beginning to get so that I can't look my mother in the face. I know it's probably just me reflecting my feelings from myself onto them, but I go through everyday feeling so tainted with disapproval and failure.
Jeez...I need to find another therapist. I haven't been to one since December b/c she went off my insurance. I miss having an open ear, without opinion.
I'm very disappointed with the new Bloc Party album. Their first album was near genius, and then they sophomore with a sold out, almost Fall Out Boy album...it's sad.
On another note, you should check out the album "Picaresque" by The Decemberists.