7.05.2006

the road

so there's that boy. we'll now call him the villain, "the frustrator." i don't even know what to say to the kid. i can see there's something inside that needs....something. sadly, i was actually hurt. not necessarily hurt in the heart, because it was defnitely too soon for that. it was my pride that took the jab from the knife. once again, i was fooled into stupidity, and i'm ashamed. that old saying "fool me twice, shame on me..." you know the one, doesn't even apply anymore, because i've been fooled a number of times. apparently i'm blind. i can't help it, i guess it's that hope....that hope needs to leave my heart and just stay here, stuck to this page....

and then...we'll call him, "shallo's boy." there's a reason, but i'm not for sharing it, unless you ask in person. i'm going to use this phrase that i previously used, but i like it: "a light shining in a world grown so dark, yet to find out it was only the reflection of my heart." talking on the phone today, i realized how much it actually wouldn't work out. vanity is a common trait among gay brains, one for which i lack. he pretty much quoted Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, by saying, "I'm kinda a big deal." in actuality, he said something along the lines of, "i'm pretty much loved by everyone."

thus sending me on the road. the path of the gay. this is, in fact, the pact that every single gay man travels. there is no road less traveled. In search of the same destination, we travel, toward, yes, a man. whether it be one night, a month, or years, it's always for a man, and once acheived, it's lost and the cycle is reborn. it's like a natural programming that comes along with our extra "burst" of estrogen in the womb, which has been a scientific hypothesis.

i guess i knew it was happening. i mean, even in my own life, i went from guy to guy...though, uncommonly in my kind, actually in search for that so-called butterfly-in-your-stomach word that starts with the dreaded "L." that word that can either build bridges, or build craters within one's heart. i don't know why it suddenly came to me now...it's been there all along. from disappointment to disappointment i traveled, still with the lingering hope for a shining light in my darkness. i'm tired of traveling. i'm tired of the disappointment....

so here's the decision: continue traveling on the endless path, or put my car in park? in the parking lot, i know nothing will happen. the "L" fairy doesn't come along and grant our wish randomly...no, especially not here in whiteland, indiana, living with my family and without vehicular transportation. so yes, i decide to indeed keep my car in drive....maybe though, switching my gears from overdrive to third or second gear...

maybe i'm pulling off at a rest stop. maybe i'm going to get something to eat. maybe i've actually found a place to where my car shall rest to call home for an unknown period. all i know, is this realization came pounding in today, and i just sat down and gave up. i didn't want anything. nothing. slumped against the couch on the floor was exactly where i wanted to be, and where i might have stayed if my reasonability had not kicked in...

yet still i wonder: will it ever end?

2 comments:

Sue said...

I am so glad you are okay Phoenix. Maybe you just pulled off at a rest stop. The road is always there waiting for you and it leads everywhere. :)

Jon Cox said...

I wish you the very BEST in all that you do!