7.21.2006

everyone has a hero inside of them


i had a very odd dream last night. well, not "odd" persay if you're phoenix. i'm in Smallville. Sitting on a couch with Clark, Lana, and Lex on the arm. Chloe is behind us, and she doesn't like me because, well, I'm Clark's boyfriend. Lana is with Lex. I notice Clark and Lana are wearing the same shirt. It's white, with blue vertical and orange horizontal stripes. After pointing this out to Clark, he grabs his shirt, and Lana's next to him to get her attention to point it out. (Apparently, they're blind.) Then Lana gets this serious look in her eyes, because you know everything on Smallville means something, and the fact that they had the same shirt on meant they were destined to be together. Clark looks at me with a worried look in his eyes as if to say, "but I love you," and then he kissed me, I guess, as sort of a demonstration. I awoke, but even now, I can still feel exactly what his lips felt like...

On the first round of telling this to my mother I left out the part about Clark being my boyfriend and the kiss. Later, round two, she asks, "but who are you in Smallville?" sigh...."I'm Clark's boyfriend." -"But Clark isn't gay." --"uhhhh, yeah, I know." -"Like not even in real life, he's married." --"Mom, it was a DREAM." jeez....

my therapist pointed out that i have nothing positive in my life. i guess that's true. i mean, i finally do have a job, but it's not very appealing or intersting. she feels that i'm lonely and that i need to get out and meet people, especially men. it's funny, though i really would like to share my emotions with a man, i have logically decided that i am no longer pursuing dating right now, because I don't want to drag anyone along on this dreary path i'm on. i don't think i want to cast my shadow of negativity on someone else, just because i've been getting shafted by life lately. i don't want to bring anyone down, but if i'm going to be with a boy, i don't want to have to act like i'm freaking happy all the time, because I'm not.

yet, it makes me sad that my brain is taking away everything that my heart desires.

3 comments:

Jon Cox said...

I know how that feels. :o/ What a dream! I really enjoy your blog, wonderful work! I wish you the very BEST in all that you do! :o)

Jon Cox said...

I love the title of this post, you are exactly right!!!!

Sue said...

Maybe she meant that you need friends. Friends that you can share your pain with and don't have to put a happy face on for. But, one day at a time. Depression is tough to deal with. Nice dream; I dream about Clark too. ;)

What ever you do, don't stop posting. Pour out your misery to us. Otherwise we worry about you. At least I do.