7.25.2006

there are a lot of disappointments in life...

but right now the greatest disappointment is me.

a lot is happening. to everyone else that is. my life is stuck at a stall. the engine blew in my car on the road of life. i find it hard to be happy for you all, because that's just me. but then i see that in some way, somehow, your life is rewarding to you, even if i don't understand how, and i'm glad for you...somewhat. i'm at a stage in my life where a lot is happening to my life, even though i'm necessarily not inviting the change.

i'm feeling very undateable right now. i am supposed to meet a guy on friday for a "no title engagement," but really, even though it's not a "date," persay, i don't really feel like going. this boy has taken an interest in me, we will call him "armani jeans guy." we had a fun little online conversation, and then chatted on the phone. on the phone, it was just like i was talking to the exact opposite person of me. he is very successful. he owns a condo on mass. ave. 2 cars. he pays for his mother and his brother's lives. he finds his religious background strengthens him. he owns a bar (on the side). and, he corrected me when i said in the picture he was wearing navy slacks, and he said, "no, those are armani jeans." (now you're with me ). i was just like...wow. inferiority complex x 10.

as long as my hormones keep in check, and i continue to live through my dream relationships, i should be fine for a while. it's just....idk. sometimes, dreaming about how it could've been with matt, or dreaming how it would be with clark kent, just isn't enough. sometimes i miss that feeling you get when someone grabs your hand to let you know they like you. that exhilaration of the first kiss. the real stuff. this stuff i only had with luke. baker and i just went through all of that the first night because we were drunk. i'm pretty sure neither of us remember it. and with any other guy, it's just been expected mostly...and that's just me meeting expectations, not doing what my heart desires. i'm afraid i'm becoming too much of the "gay" man, who doesn't believe in real love. which really, i'm not sure i can still fully believe it, because truthfully, who says that i'm going to be with someone forever? i have no marriage. i have no kids. people don't realize everything that you give up just because you were born with a different sexual orientation. sometimes it really bothers me. i can't be comfortable in public holding hands, or kissing the person i love. i have fear of gay bashing. just shit like that...ugh. and i know some "christian is reading this and thinking "it's because god didn't intend it that way." well, i've got one thing to say to shit like that: kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself...

2 comments:

Sue said...

Hey. That's right, let it all out. You are so right. I am absolutely sure that being gay is not a choice, because who would choose to make the sacrifices you listed? Not being able to marry, have kids, fear that public displays of affection will result in hate or violence from straight people. It is a really hard life. But people can live and even thrive being gay. They can love.

So you have this "date" coming up. You may not be compatible with the guy. Whatever. But it is important to go just to get out. If he is into you that is good too. Do you feel that you have enough support from gay people where you live?

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