It's that time again...

Today is the day. It's the 2 year mark of probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember, IU vs. Purdue, November 20th, 2004. We started drinking at 10am, tailgating. My friend wanted to go to Arby's, so I picked her up, and she came out of her sorority with a random guy. We went to Arby's, and their drunk asses were hilarious. We didn't end up making it to the game, instead, we went to his fraternity to drink. He kept making me whiskey sours, because they were amazing.

Sounds like a good day so far, right? Well, that random boy later turns out to be the only boyfriend I've ever had. Anyway, he invited me to their party last night, and went through the trouble of putting my name on the list and stuff. Well, Lauren and I decided to go home and shower, and when I was at home, she messaged me and told me she didn't want me to accompany her to the party, "because you're gay, and it freaks people out." So, I get pissed and stopped talking to her for a month or more.

Suddenly I was messaged online to an invitation to the gay fraternity's initiation. I didn't know a single damn person there. The guy who invited me had only talked to me online, and had never met in person. Well, it turned out one of the gays lived in the same complex as me, and I kind of knew him by proximity, because we lived on the same floor in my freshman dorm. He picks me up at 9, (keep in mind I started drinking at 10am) and we start drinking right away. At this time in my life, I didn't hang out with gay people, so I was freaking out. No one was talking to me either, so a few times in the night I went to a rock in the neighbor's yard and bawled my eyes out. I got severely wasted, to the point that I made myself bartender and was making everyone really terrible drinks. The cops show up, and I'm freaking out, and after they left, I decided to pass out on the couch.

Jostled, I awoke around 8am to someone taking my clothes off. I was pretty much blacked out, but I have some memories. I know there was 5 guys, and they were all naked, and I couldn't move because I was THAT drunk, and I was cold, and just layed on the side of the blow up mattress on the floor, hoping no one would touch me so I could go back to sleep. Yeah...it was SO not cool. It was a lot worse than that, but I don't really want to type it all out.

On another note...

The holidays are coming up, and I can't help but feel lonely. How could I not, when I told you that a 2 years ago today, my only relationship started, and lasted all through the holiday season. I have memories of that time so clear, like the memory of the frost on his truck window, and the kisses we shared during the warm up time, so clear that my stomach actually turns. It's completely ridiculous, because I miss a person that doesn't even exist anymore. No, he's not dead, but I dated a closeted frat boy, not the flamer he has grown into since coming out after we broke up. He's a cool guy, I actually have hung out with him a few times...haha, but no one I'd want to date anymore. I will always have the good memories though. The relationship didn't turn sour until around Valentine's Day (go figure.), so I have good holiday memories.

I have recently fallen in love with the American Movie Channel (AMC as you probably know it). It's AMAZING!

On that note, I'd like to invite you to view my new blog Not Another Gay Film. It's just movie reviews of stuff I've seen recently.

Suggested Listen: Cartel- "Honestly"

Changes

Things are still changing. The boys as quick as my life. One time seems to be enough lately. A friendly exchange can be fun, but apparently just not enough.

I don't really feel that I belong anywhere. My new living situation has been nothing but gracious to me, but I feel I need to move on. Maybe it's the nomad in me, itching to break free. I almost actually turned to my mother today for a shoulder and some advice, but that seemed too typical, and I couldn't help but not want to do that. I feel I need to solidify my groundings before I can really continue to focus on anything else in my life. I need a permanent living situation that I approve of, a steady job, a car, and THEN I will think seriously about my career and a boy. It's like I keep putting my shirts in the washer, but the spin cycle never stops and I can't reach the end with a shirt that I can continue to wear.

I'm going to try as hard as I can to take my focus on finding this so-called love. It really does rule my life at times. Today I brokedown in the bathroom (secretly so my roomies wouldn't find out.), because a boy told me that he liked spending time with me, and he thought I'm really cute, but that he didn't think he should "get more involved has been my fear that you have a lot going on/ a lot to deal with that i don't know if i can deal with too." It wasn't necessarily the let down by yet another man, but more or less the fact that I know that my life is actually THAT bad that someone won't date me because of it.

[side note] I hate people who stop talking to their friends just because they met a significant other. Then if they break up, come crawling back and expect you not to care.

I've made the decision to drop the semester. I'm too far behind, and if I do it now, my GPA won't suffer from it. Now, I'm off to see the wizard, and maybe he'll give me a job.



[P.S.] To my readers: I do, in fact, "get help." I have been medicated for over a year now, and talk to a therapist bi-monthly.