Cold-Hearted Snake

Uh-thank you Paula Abdul.

Things are quite a bit different in my life right now. A few weeks back I officially declared myself "off the market." That is, of course, the dating market. I'm not cool enough to have stock in myself...yet. It's this great, clarifying change. I no longer have this need to be with someone, to not feel lonely, and to feel like I'm finally loved. It's strange that you can go on living your life for so long having so many people love you but you take it all for granted. Family..friends...pets...that's the good stuff.

Somehow, on another note, guys seem to be all over me now. Which is strange because I feel in my life that I am the worst I've ever been self-esteem wise. I'm playing the field, but all I'm doing is throwing strike outs. I'm emotionally unavailable somehow. I can spend the most romantic moment with someone, and not feel a damn thing. There's this one guy, Rich, who I have decided I can no longer see because he's falling for me too hard. Where are my feelings? Hell if I know, but they're not there. I've spent the night over there many times, and I'm pretty sure he's in the illusion that we are dating. Which is rather funny because last time I was with him I was so disgusted that I had to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore. It's just not cool being with someone who's totally head over heels for you, and you have nothing there for them except for friendship. There's also a boy named Daniel who I met at the bar, and another one who I met the following week at the same bar. They both seem to like me a bunch too. It's strange, these are actually guys that at one point in time I could have settled with and probably had a long, productive relationship. Somehow, I'm more interested in these two guys I know from online. Maybe it's just physical, I don't know. But I feel more and more like a "promiscuous boy" (thanks Nelly Furtado) and I'm not sure that I like it.

I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's rather an unfortunate time for this to happen, especially it being round 1 of exam time. I think I got through it pretty well though.

Suggested Listen: "Come Around" by Rhett Miller

1 comment:

Sue said...

Maybe it is just really that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. You are a good and valuable person. Take the time to see that in yourself. Stop and think about the good things you have done or will do in the future. Good luck. :)