down the bottle

it's always evident the day after i drink. usually ensuing depressed entries in my blog, and the irresistible urge to give in to sadness, and let the blackness succumb my soul. awakened today, will and grace waiting to be viewed, an emptiness fills my arms. something's missing, and the realization it's a man overwhelms me, and i lay in bed, vulnerable and unwilling to greet the seemingly hopeless day. wishing the image to the left was my life, i fight staying awake, but the hangover pursues and doesn't allow sleep. of course, thank you karma, i get to enjoy laying in bed in pain. pain screaming through every cell, physical, yet, more emotional. i'm reminded of my ex, my one and only. my arms literally ache because they yearn for him to come back and fill my soul. sad, i'm empty until someone put their arms around me. recently, drinking and home from the party, lonliness controlled me, so a message to a friend was being typed for him to come and cuddle. strangely, he comes, and eventually he's sitting in my lap, arms wrapped around, and staring into my eyes. i feel good, but the realization that there's nothing behind those pupils overcomes me. there's no feelings. still empty. he leans in to kiss. mistake. my soul seems to pour out if someone touches my lips, and i'm fooled into thinking i may feel more than friendship. awaking in his arms, dillusioned, i smile and feel good. the time was for enjoying, and i did just that. he arised and swiftly left. time passes and the disillionment follows like a new puppy following it's owner. the pain sets in, and stays. sure, days go by and it subsides with the presence of friends, alcohol, or more frequently both. as sure as the sun will set, the pain comes back. my best friend.
shots of bacardi following no sleep and eating nothing but some carrots, i'm easily intoxicated. fine by me.

am i always to be alone?
cameron mathison...enjoy