Recently my attention has been focused to a new finding within myself.
Yes, that's right. I'm extremely jealous. I get jealous all the fucking time. If I see a happy couple, I'm panged with disgust, but really it's just the meat wrapped in the jealousy tortilla.
The worst. Oh.....yes...the WORST kind of jealousy I suffer from comes from the past. This was brought to my attention when I was seeing an acquantance of mine, Chris. Chris, 20, was everything I never wanted in a man, but that's part of the reason I was attracted to him. The pillows of his bed talked, and they told me that he'd been with 9 guys. NINE fucking boyfriends, and he's younger than me. I have to buy this kid's fucking alcohol, but he's kicking me in the balls with the relationship tally. The sheets chime in, and they let me know that one of these boyfriends was in his life for THREE years. Let's do the math here, where the FUCK does he have time to date all these guys? You see, I'm 21, and the only thing in my past is a wasted, terribly disfunctional 4 month relationship, and that's stretching it. Wasted, because we were literally 80% of the time drunk together. In comparison, Chris is telling me that he was "engaged," whatever the fuck that CAN be in gay life, and even had a ring. Step back, you just punched me in the stomach, and I can't breathe. You were prepared to spend the REST of your life with this man...and I'm supposed to just be like oh man, that sucks? No! I'm going to be like fucking great....now I'm comparable for the next 3 fucking years.
Needless to say, I stopped seeing him.
Enter Robby. Perfection...to me. He can't see it and it drives me crazy, because I want to tell him how amazing he is, and how amazing he makes me feel. Of course, this won't happen because I don't want to come on too strong and creepy. He's been with 5 guys, one for 1.5 years, and he thinks that a relationship that long will never happen again. So I'm like....why waste my time, right?
Somehow certainty has been lost in the gay community. We will never enter a relationship with security, and will never end with it either. So many of us are jaded to believe that love will never happen to us, so without this inside of us, nothing holds us back from becoming exactly what we don't want to be: a slutty fag.
Being a slut is sort of the "unofficial" right of passage into the gay community. We all talk about our "slut period," and claim it to be over, though I'm sure it's just slowed down. I've been through my slut period, and I hated myself for it. I'm not going to lose hope. I just can't do it. That's right, I'm a hopeless romantic.
But to quote the great gay icon, Janet Jackson, "You have to deal with the past. It catches up to us fast. I know it's painful, but, there you'll find specialness."