It's strange how I feel sometimes. After the conversation, I was really upset, but I held it in because my friends were there. We played some Phase 10 after, and I was shaking really hard, but other than that, I didn't show any physical remorse. It got time where I was home alone, and I had it all planned out that I was going to listen to love songs and cry, but when I got down to it, the tears didn't come. It actually scared me a little. I don't want to become jaded enough that I just expect this shit.

A few days later, something kind of funny happened and I was clicking on Justin's name to tell him about it. Then I thought to myself that I shouldn't do that. It sucks! I mean, not only did I lose a "potential," as I call them, but I also lost a friend. I wanted to talk to him, but self respect didn't let me do so.

Eventually, I decided that I was going to message him, and it was pretty much the most demeaning conversation. Not only did it only consist of like 11 lines, but it was obviously apparent that he was completely done with me. So much for the friend speech, huh?

Now, I really just have nothing left. My desire for another has been killed. It's kind of relieving though, I can focus on my schoolwork uninhibited, and I can focus on bettering myself FOR ME, and not for someone else. I guess it's just all not really meant for me right now, which I've accepted and moved on. Relief and a little sadness fill me, but it's more relief, because I finally don't feel like falling in love is the only thing I need in my life. Now I can focus on better things, like friends, food, and school. My mother and I seem to be getting closer as well. It's MUCH better back at home now. The hostility of my apartment was really killing me on the inside, and it's not WWIII at my house anymore since my grandparents are gone. So I'm full-time back at my mother's, and it's going well.

February 2nd I get my tests done to see if I can finally drive again! I'm hoping it all turns out well.

1 comment:

Sue said...

All of this sounds like good news to me. Good for you Pheonix! :)