I can't help it. I like him that much. He said he was in his "online meeting" tonight, which I guess I can't hold against him b/c he actually WAS online, and DID respond to me after like 20 minutes...So I can't assume it was a hookup like I was thinking before.

You see this? I distrust EVERYONE. Even my family, because I know their agenda. They try to hide it, but they are secretly broadcasting it to my senses, and I'm not retarded. Maybe I'm paranoid, you might say that, but others might say I'm just a realist, like my best friend. We go through every situation that could happen, so we are prepared for it all. No one wants to go into something cluelessly and have their integrity ripped apart.

So, yes, I like Justin. I hate myself for this. I hate that I want to dig into that hole. I mean, it's like the more I see him, I fall deeper and deeper. Eventually, I'm gonna hit the bottom of that hole, and I'm there, on the cold floor, in love with him. Eventually, as it always does, it will end. Again, I will be left there on that floor, though, no longer companioned, I will be left alone, sad, hateful, and too tired to continue life. This is why I'm so scared. Scared of what I might do to myself. New territory excites and scares me the same. What I'll do? No one knows...

1 comment:

Sue said...

You know, for others, this would be a jubillant and exciting time to explore the new relationship and boyfriend to be. I mean, gee wiz, you haven't even told Justin that you want to be his bf. There is no reason to plunge headlong to a negative conclusion that may never happen. Live in the now. Take your time and enjoy him a bit. Breathe. Plan your time together. Make dates. Have fun. Play. Smile.