there are a lot of disappointments in life...

but right now the greatest disappointment is me.

a lot is happening. to everyone else that is. my life is stuck at a stall. the engine blew in my car on the road of life. i find it hard to be happy for you all, because that's just me. but then i see that in some way, somehow, your life is rewarding to you, even if i don't understand how, and i'm glad for you...somewhat. i'm at a stage in my life where a lot is happening to my life, even though i'm necessarily not inviting the change.

i'm feeling very undateable right now. i am supposed to meet a guy on friday for a "no title engagement," but really, even though it's not a "date," persay, i don't really feel like going. this boy has taken an interest in me, we will call him "armani jeans guy." we had a fun little online conversation, and then chatted on the phone. on the phone, it was just like i was talking to the exact opposite person of me. he is very successful. he owns a condo on mass. ave. 2 cars. he pays for his mother and his brother's lives. he finds his religious background strengthens him. he owns a bar (on the side). and, he corrected me when i said in the picture he was wearing navy slacks, and he said, "no, those are armani jeans." (now you're with me ). i was just like...wow. inferiority complex x 10.

as long as my hormones keep in check, and i continue to live through my dream relationships, i should be fine for a while. it's just....idk. sometimes, dreaming about how it could've been with matt, or dreaming how it would be with clark kent, just isn't enough. sometimes i miss that feeling you get when someone grabs your hand to let you know they like you. that exhilaration of the first kiss. the real stuff. this stuff i only had with luke. baker and i just went through all of that the first night because we were drunk. i'm pretty sure neither of us remember it. and with any other guy, it's just been expected mostly...and that's just me meeting expectations, not doing what my heart desires. i'm afraid i'm becoming too much of the "gay" man, who doesn't believe in real love. which really, i'm not sure i can still fully believe it, because truthfully, who says that i'm going to be with someone forever? i have no marriage. i have no kids. people don't realize everything that you give up just because you were born with a different sexual orientation. sometimes it really bothers me. i can't be comfortable in public holding hands, or kissing the person i love. i have fear of gay bashing. just shit like that...ugh. and i know some "christian is reading this and thinking "it's because god didn't intend it that way." well, i've got one thing to say to shit like that: kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself...

everyone has a hero inside of them

i had a very odd dream last night. well, not "odd" persay if you're phoenix. i'm in Smallville. Sitting on a couch with Clark, Lana, and Lex on the arm. Chloe is behind us, and she doesn't like me because, well, I'm Clark's boyfriend. Lana is with Lex. I notice Clark and Lana are wearing the same shirt. It's white, with blue vertical and orange horizontal stripes. After pointing this out to Clark, he grabs his shirt, and Lana's next to him to get her attention to point it out. (Apparently, they're blind.) Then Lana gets this serious look in her eyes, because you know everything on Smallville means something, and the fact that they had the same shirt on meant they were destined to be together. Clark looks at me with a worried look in his eyes as if to say, "but I love you," and then he kissed me, I guess, as sort of a demonstration. I awoke, but even now, I can still feel exactly what his lips felt like...

On the first round of telling this to my mother I left out the part about Clark being my boyfriend and the kiss. Later, round two, she asks, "but who are you in Smallville?" sigh...."I'm Clark's boyfriend." -"But Clark isn't gay." --"uhhhh, yeah, I know." -"Like not even in real life, he's married." --"Mom, it was a DREAM." jeez....

my therapist pointed out that i have nothing positive in my life. i guess that's true. i mean, i finally do have a job, but it's not very appealing or intersting. she feels that i'm lonely and that i need to get out and meet people, especially men. it's funny, though i really would like to share my emotions with a man, i have logically decided that i am no longer pursuing dating right now, because I don't want to drag anyone along on this dreary path i'm on. i don't think i want to cast my shadow of negativity on someone else, just because i've been getting shafted by life lately. i don't want to bring anyone down, but if i'm going to be with a boy, i don't want to have to act like i'm freaking happy all the time, because I'm not.

yet, it makes me sad that my brain is taking away everything that my heart desires.

the road

so there's that boy. we'll now call him the villain, "the frustrator." i don't even know what to say to the kid. i can see there's something inside that needs....something. sadly, i was actually hurt. not necessarily hurt in the heart, because it was defnitely too soon for that. it was my pride that took the jab from the knife. once again, i was fooled into stupidity, and i'm ashamed. that old saying "fool me twice, shame on me..." you know the one, doesn't even apply anymore, because i've been fooled a number of times. apparently i'm blind. i can't help it, i guess it's that hope....that hope needs to leave my heart and just stay here, stuck to this page....

and then...we'll call him, "shallo's boy." there's a reason, but i'm not for sharing it, unless you ask in person. i'm going to use this phrase that i previously used, but i like it: "a light shining in a world grown so dark, yet to find out it was only the reflection of my heart." talking on the phone today, i realized how much it actually wouldn't work out. vanity is a common trait among gay brains, one for which i lack. he pretty much quoted Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, by saying, "I'm kinda a big deal." in actuality, he said something along the lines of, "i'm pretty much loved by everyone."

thus sending me on the road. the path of the gay. this is, in fact, the pact that every single gay man travels. there is no road less traveled. In search of the same destination, we travel, toward, yes, a man. whether it be one night, a month, or years, it's always for a man, and once acheived, it's lost and the cycle is reborn. it's like a natural programming that comes along with our extra "burst" of estrogen in the womb, which has been a scientific hypothesis.

i guess i knew it was happening. i mean, even in my own life, i went from guy to guy...though, uncommonly in my kind, actually in search for that so-called butterfly-in-your-stomach word that starts with the dreaded "L." that word that can either build bridges, or build craters within one's heart. i don't know why it suddenly came to me now...it's been there all along. from disappointment to disappointment i traveled, still with the lingering hope for a shining light in my darkness. i'm tired of traveling. i'm tired of the disappointment....

so here's the decision: continue traveling on the endless path, or put my car in park? in the parking lot, i know nothing will happen. the "L" fairy doesn't come along and grant our wish randomly...no, especially not here in whiteland, indiana, living with my family and without vehicular transportation. so yes, i decide to indeed keep my car in drive....maybe though, switching my gears from overdrive to third or second gear...

maybe i'm pulling off at a rest stop. maybe i'm going to get something to eat. maybe i've actually found a place to where my car shall rest to call home for an unknown period. all i know, is this realization came pounding in today, and i just sat down and gave up. i didn't want anything. nothing. slumped against the couch on the floor was exactly where i wanted to be, and where i might have stayed if my reasonability had not kicked in...

yet still i wonder: will it ever end?