New Knowledge

It seems Justin and I are now official and all the business. It's been 2.5 years since I've had a boyfriend. I can no longer be that cynical single guy who hates couples! Such sadness... No longer will I have the crazy drunken nights out, dancing, having fun, meeting new people...Actually...more like forgetting everything, being told who kissed me the night before, receiving phone calls from guys that I apparently enchanted the night before and I can't even remember their name, coming home to the lonliness, an empty bed, no one to share anything with... Yeah, I'm really going to miss being single...let me tell ya... Having someone special in your life is really a positive. (Go ahead and puke, Jarred.) Hell, I've lost 15 pounds since I met him. At the launch of seeing him, at first I wasn't sure if, in fact, I was ready to "settle down," as some may say. I was still lingering on those crazy nights that I'd spent, but really, sometime you have to grow up. It's odd and ironic that it took a 20 year old to teach me that. We're getting older, and it's not all fun and games anymore. I mean, sure, it's ok to go out every now and then and have some fun, but if, like at the beginning of college, is a party every night of the week, it's almost pitiful. I, of all people, finally know this.

Stolen Lyrics

It's Monday, thus meaning my weekend date is over. Friday he picked me up, and we went back to his place, ordered pizza and played N64 all night. I apparently can't fight in the battle mode...I'm only good racing the cups.

Saturday we got up and went to lunch at this Guatemalan place that wasn't the best of food, and headed over to see the civil war re-enactment. It was kind of strange. It was a good 20-25 minutes of shooting before someone died. Also, it ended with the Confederates winning. I understand that they DID win some battles, but you think if they're depicting a battle, they would choose the one that was important...ya know...where the Union won. He asked me to stay the night again later on.

Chinese for dinner, bottle of wine, finally I kissed him, played N64, watched some comedy. Something seemed to be missing though: affection. I'm a very affectionate guy, when it comes to dating. I pretty much like to be near, touching, or cuddling anytime we can. It's not like we can openly do that in public, so when I'm in private, I'm like "Put it on me!" He seemed perfectly fine with sitting on the couch like we were two straight guys, or strangers. It bothered me, and honestly I was just ready for Ellen to shut the fuck up so we could go to bed and Sunday, the day I would go home would come sooner. While sitting on the love seat, I said something about looking for an affectionate partner, and I mentioned something along the lines, "So it's not lookin' good for you!" I know it was a joking tone, but I was totally being sincere, and he seemed to shrug it off. Later, in bed, I was ready to end things. He started petting my hand, like I was a cat, and I told him, "Don't even try now...it's too late." Then it sprung into my mind that this meant I would never see him again, and I decided to engage in a conversation about our intentions and feelings. It was really my first conversation of that kind, since Baker never said anything with meaning unless it was online. So I kind of felt like I was just throwing things out there, and he wasn't really answering that well, but I decided I'd give it a shot. We cuddled in bed and such, but once again, on Sunday, it pretty much stopped after the day had started. He seems reluctant to kiss me, turning his head when one should be interested in doing just so.

It concerns me, because this is the launch of a possible relationship, and this is the stage that usually people are all over each other, or at least want to be. I'm afraid that if it's already like this, what's going to happen when the dust settles? Never touch? I couldn't do that. It's strange, I'm finally sitting here at the initiation of a relationship, and I'm looking at possibly throwing it away. I never thought it'd be like this, but I've never had anyone act this way. I guess it's strange going from Andrew to Justin, because from the first date, Andrew couldn't keep off of me, and I liked it. It's almost like I've traveled to the other pole.

I know I feel like I'm singing "More Than Words," by Westlife. (Click the title of the song there and you can refresh your memory on those lyrics.) I couldn't get that song out of my head all day, and then oddly enough I heard it at Wendy's when we were eating. I like the boy a bunch. He called today and after talking to him I grew fond of him again, and can't really imagine giving it all away. I guess I need to just be patient.

Impending...

Turns out Justin took me to dinner last night at Joe's Crab Shack, so that would technically be the 3rd date. Now, since date 4 is already established, I'm pretty sure he's going to be the first guy to make it passed the 3rd date mark. It's been decided that for timing, traveling distance and such for the re-enactment, that I will be staying the night at his place on Friday. He's picking me up after he gets off work, so that should be anytime from 5-6, doing dinner...then, shit, I don't know. I mean, I've never been in this situation. Does the "staying over" part indicate that I am expected to have sex with him? Truth be told, I'm not ready for things to move into a sexual relationship. Honestly, I've never really had that happen....this way anyway. With Baker, everything was drunk, so it didn't really count b/c we didn't have inhibitions anyway. This so-called relationship I have with Justin has been entirely sober.

So really, the dilemma is this: Justin and I have been on 3...semi to very good dates. But...we have yet to kiss. I'm not sure if he's one of those wait around for me to make a move, or what, but it's kind of ridiculous. I'm personally acting like the wait around for a move type, because I don't feel consciously comfortable around him. He's in much better shape than I am...like hard belly and everything...that I don't feel equal enough in superiority to make the move, because he could be like "Ew...this fat, sweaty, and gross man is touching me..." (I've actually heard him utter those words in a story about someone else.) He makes little gestures, like coming in to meet my mother yesterday after dinner. Then we played N64, (because we're just THAT cool) and during Mario Kart he kept tickling me/wrestling...all that good flirty stuff, I assume to drop down the barriers of touching. As we were like cuddling, (Mind you, the only thing of his actually touching me were his legs, he was nowhere near putting his arm around me or anything like me) I kissed him on the cheek, and I'm about 73.5% sure that he went "Tssss...." (You know, that sound people make when they think something is stupid; usually equipped with a roll of the eyes) So I'm like hmmm....strange. Later, he proceeds to put my hand on his crotch, and, well...it was awkward. I didn't do much of anything except for keep removing my hand from there! I'm like SERIOUSLY! What are you wanting? I'm not going to sit here and jack you off while my mother is in the other room. I'm certainly not JUST going to jack you off because you think I'm a hideous beast and wouldn't dream of returning anything near the same favor.

So really now...What IS to be expected of this weekend. Jarred says that because I'm staying the night that we are a couple. I don't think that's true at all...especially with the gays.

Maybe he has a mouth phobia. Anyway...I'm just kind of frustrated about being sincerely clueless.

The Cynical Hopeless Romantic

Today turned out to be a suprisingly efficient day. I went to dinner for Mother's Day at my Aunt Christi's house, and then stopped by Jarred's to see how graduation went.

Sigh... Then my mother dragged me to Taco Bell, which was actually a task with an alterior motive. She wanted to "talk" about my life situation, where I see things going, what's dragging me down, why I'm still in depression, why I'm so angry at her all the time...and so on. The conversation I NEVER really wanted to have, and pretty much avoided at all costs by running out the door so she can't capture me. It actually turned out to be a rather productive speech. I said things that, in hindsight, might not have said with some clear thinking, but I think all the pent-up rage being released was a healthy, growing excercise between our relationship. A lot of our anger is redirected from whom it should be focused on...THE OLD PEOPLE.

Date #3 with Justin is planned this weekend. We're going to see a Civil War re-enactment. I know some of you may say "oh....AWESOME," (Jarred), but I've gotta give 'em somethin'. That's certainly the first time I've been asked out to one of those. It was so funny the way he asked, so proper and planned. "I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to this Civil War re-enactment, and then afterward I thought we could go back to my place and see where things go." I had to hold back a chuckle at the thoughtful, pre-planned delivery, but I thought it was kind of adorable that he spent the time doing just so. Our phone conversations are so pleasing, that I wish I could break the barrier down and get that connection in real life. Now that I know his intentions, I think I can do that. We were talking about raising children as a joke, and he was talking about his kids and Father's Day, and I said something like, "Well, I'm sure that's where the mother figure uses her money and SAYS it's from the kids." (The gift of course.) He replied saying that there would be no mother figure, and I was a little exasperated saying that I assumed he would be raising children with a partner. He said, "Oh...so...that'd be you!" You know me, I melted a little (puke), and I introduced him to my ultimate power of making something romantic and then ripping it all away.

An excerpt.

Me: "At least I'd get to spend time with you."

...............

Me: Puke...I can't believe I said that. See what I did there, I was romantic then took it all away as to show my two sided feelings toward relationships. The cynical hopeless romantic.

I seemed to have lost all of my readers. I guess that's what you get for taking an unannounced hiatus. I didn't announce it because it wasn't planned. I slid back into the darkness, and it had taken me over. I didn't feel like sharing this with anyone because it just seems so expected and incessant.

My birthday was on Sunday, so I am now 22. I'm getting ready to make some changes in my life, so I'm making sure I'm focusing on the future to make sure everything works out ok.