Destruction

It's strange how I feel sometimes. After the conversation, I was really upset, but I held it in because my friends were there. We played some Phase 10 after, and I was shaking really hard, but other than that, I didn't show any physical remorse. It got time where I was home alone, and I had it all planned out that I was going to listen to love songs and cry, but when I got down to it, the tears didn't come. It actually scared me a little. I don't want to become jaded enough that I just expect this shit.

A few days later, something kind of funny happened and I was clicking on Justin's name to tell him about it. Then I thought to myself that I shouldn't do that. It sucks! I mean, not only did I lose a "potential," as I call them, but I also lost a friend. I wanted to talk to him, but self respect didn't let me do so.

Eventually, I decided that I was going to message him, and it was pretty much the most demeaning conversation. Not only did it only consist of like 11 lines, but it was obviously apparent that he was completely done with me. So much for the friend speech, huh?

Now, I really just have nothing left. My desire for another has been killed. It's kind of relieving though, I can focus on my schoolwork uninhibited, and I can focus on bettering myself FOR ME, and not for someone else. I guess it's just all not really meant for me right now, which I've accepted and moved on. Relief and a little sadness fill me, but it's more relief, because I finally don't feel like falling in love is the only thing I need in my life. Now I can focus on better things, like friends, food, and school. My mother and I seem to be getting closer as well. It's MUCH better back at home now. The hostility of my apartment was really killing me on the inside, and it's not WWIII at my house anymore since my grandparents are gone. So I'm full-time back at my mother's, and it's going well.

February 2nd I get my tests done to see if I can finally drive again! I'm hoping it all turns out well.

The conversation.

Justin: Hey there!
Me: Hi.
Justin: What's up?
Me: Nothing, I want to shoot myself. I'm babsitting. Please be nice, come over, and shoot me in the face. Please and thanks.
Justin: lol
Me: I'm gonna shower.
Justin: Later.

(I did that because I was already a little ticked off at him b/c all week he told me he was going to go out with us last night to the bar, and then didn't.)

Later...

Me: Back.
Justin: cool.
Me: What are your plans tonight?
Justin: Nothing.
Me: Oh, Awesome.
Justin: I know, right!
Me: I'm not doing anything either.
Justin: I think my roommates are home now, maybe.
Me: Ok, have fun.

slight pause in time.

Justin: Do you hate me?
Me: Not at all. Why?
Justin: I would if I were you.
Me: Why? Because you're avoiding me?

no response.

Me: lol, whatever. Go hang out with your roommates. Later.
Me: I will be here later if you want to talk.

time passes.

Justin: Ok.

time passes.

Justin: I just don't really know what to say. I never really felt a spark between us, and I was going to tell you that we should just be friends, but you were just so sweet so I thought I'd see where things led. Then I left to go home for break, and I actually missed you, and was excited to come back and see you. I love going out with you, and had a lot of fun last weekend, but then things got awkward. I don't know, I really think we just should be friends because I have a lot going on this semester, finishing school and such.

Me: I don't want to be friends.
Justin: Oh...um...Why?
Me: Because I'm already passed that point.
Justin: Oh.
Me: So, I will just let you go. See ya.

slight pause.

Me: Wait, why were things awkward?

no response.

Me: No no, don't do this. At least you could finish the conversation.
Justin: It just was when we were in bed.
Me: Um, ok.
Justin: But I really do have to go.
Justin: Sorry if I'm an ass.



Yeah...so I guess it's over. After this, I walked to the table to play cards with my friends and I couldn't talk, because I knew if I talked or even looked at them, I'd cry, so I just played a few rounds, shaking profusely, and then started to feel a little better. I told the girls the story, and they were just like "what an ass."

It all comes down to this. He thought it was awkward when we were in bed. So basically, he doesn't like the way I look naked. Shallow bastards. All of them. Shallow faggots.

Suggested Listen: BBMak- Ghost of You and Me

SHIT

I can't help it. I like him that much. He said he was in his "online meeting" tonight, which I guess I can't hold against him b/c he actually WAS online, and DID respond to me after like 20 minutes...So I can't assume it was a hookup like I was thinking before.

You see this? I distrust EVERYONE. Even my family, because I know their agenda. They try to hide it, but they are secretly broadcasting it to my senses, and I'm not retarded. Maybe I'm paranoid, you might say that, but others might say I'm just a realist, like my best friend. We go through every situation that could happen, so we are prepared for it all. No one wants to go into something cluelessly and have their integrity ripped apart.

So, yes, I like Justin. I hate myself for this. I hate that I want to dig into that hole. I mean, it's like the more I see him, I fall deeper and deeper. Eventually, I'm gonna hit the bottom of that hole, and I'm there, on the cold floor, in love with him. Eventually, as it always does, it will end. Again, I will be left there on that floor, though, no longer companioned, I will be left alone, sad, hateful, and too tired to continue life. This is why I'm so scared. Scared of what I might do to myself. New territory excites and scares me the same. What I'll do? No one knows...

I decided.

I chose Justin. He finally is back from winter vacation, and we had our first sleep over at his house. It was really, really nice. He took me out for a few drinks, danced a little, then we just spent the rest of the night in bed and watching movies. Well, that should be "watching." haha. Though, it was a little awkward, I'm not gonna lie. We attempted to have sex, and I don't know if I was too drunk or what, which I don't think I was, but it didn't work. Like, it just wouldn't go in and stay in...lol, I don't know. That was kind of awkward. Then the next morning we were making out and he was on top of me, and we were kissing and then all of the sudden he was breathing a lot harder and started to moan a little. I thought I felt wetness on my stomach, but I was like 'no....he couldn't have.' He rolled off of me, and I reach down to find that, sure enough, he had splooged all over my belly. He was then in this strange 'Don't touch me,' mode, so I felt a little neglected. That left me a little pissed off, and still horny, so we barely spoke on the ride home. Actually, on that ride home I got so pissed off in our silence that I thought to myself, 'God, I don't want to see him ever again.'

Then, after going home, taking a shower, and going to my job interview, my mind was clear enough to think about him again, and I was overwhelmed with this awesome sense of desire. I can't help it, I simply adore him. I did catch myself that morning looking over at him and thought, 'Jeez...look at my cute boyfriend. Woah...calm down, he's not your boyfriend yet.' LoL. I can't help what I think sometimes. I really started to freak out, like seriously almost had a panic attack at dinner with my family because I'm so in new territory, and I don't know what I think about.

Yesterday I was kind of still flipping out, because he hasn't necessarily been paying much attention to me, like he may be avoiding me. When I brought it up to my friend Tony, he was like, "Dude, just chill out, if you fall in love, then it will happen when it happens. Just let things happen, and don't think too much." He's so right! I mean, fuck it! If he doesn't want to spend time with me then clearly I don't need to be wasting anything on him. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. If we do continue to see each other, which I hope we do, I am going to try to not bring up the "exclusive talk," and wait to see if he will.

'Til next time...