Writings About Nothing

Oh....this week. The first part of it was spent digging up a tree stump. Stupid me had to suggest it, and it ONLY took two days of work that my body didn't seem to enjoy. It's late, I realize, but I can't get on a normal sleep rhythm again. Also, there's bugs in my house, so I'm constantly hitting myself to get the bugs off. It's getting ridiculous.

Dead week I'm finding doesn't really exist here at IUPUI. I guess it never was treated the way it was really supposed to be at Purdue though. I can't believe the semester's already over. I'm quite certain this is going to be my last semester....for a while, at least. I have to get a full-time job, for real. I need to start paying off some of this college shit, and trying to set myself up on my own. Living with my mother hasn't really been that bad though. Honestly, I think it's a much healthier living situation than it was with Kristen and April. There isn't such unnecessary drama in my atmosphere that has nothing to do with me. At least here I know it's just between my mother and me.

....That's for about oh...6 more days. Then the Leviathon returns....Grandma. Let's all join in on one goddamn big SIGH...

I predict about 3 weeks I'll be wanting out of the house faster than a male dog mounts a bitch in heat.

It's funny. Sometimes I feel like I really just need someone to come into my life and make it over. Get me a job, an apartment, reliable friends [not saying that the one I have is nothing of the sort...He's probably more reliable than anyone else I know.] and a car....and I would happily just jump in working and start paying for everything that has been bestowed upon me. Yet, it's not that easy. I wish it was, but it wasn't. I have no motivation to go out and succeed in finding all this shit for myself, because it's difficult! I mean, I haven't been employed by a REAL job [not including the orchard...b/c c'mon....really?] for about 2 years. It's ridiculous. What sensible employer would be like YES! Let's employ this bastard who has been doing nothing in his life for...well, let's face it, the past 4 years. Going to college directly out of high school was probably the worst decision I've ever made in my life. Was it just me, or did everyone else feel like they needed to take a year or so off to go explore the world and figure out what's important to them....and possibly find their intended career. Let's look at the past. Oh...Exactly 4 years ago, I was sitting here, so freaking excited to leave high school, cut loose of the bullshit, drama, and friends I didn't need holding me back, and head to Purdue to start my career in Pre-Veterinary medicine. Man...was that deluded. Little did I know I'd enter Purdue and it only take a good 3 months to realize that what I had wanted to do my entire life was not at all what I expected it to be. "Bam! Bitch goes down." [Thank you Tatum, from Scream.] I wandered through Purdue, meandering not finding anything that I liked or excelled at except for partying. I mean really, besides tutoring Lauren in math, I really didn't do anything productive there. I was majoring in partying, and we all know it. Hell, I had two fucking minors in it as well.

I like this Journalism major though. It's "morphenomenal." What I don't like though, are all these bullshit classes I have to take that don't really pertain to my degree. This isn't the best example, because it could actually be used, but I have to take 2 years of a foreign language. Do you KNOW what that fucking means? Just because of that, I have AT LEAST a year and a half left at IUPUI. [spits on UC.]

Ok, I'm gonna stop and try to look at the positives in my life.

I met a boy. His name is Andrew, and we hit it off really well. He's 6'6, but unlike some of the other tall guys I've met, it doesn't make me feel inferior. He's just an all out cool guy, who understands a little bit where I'm coming from. Out last date kind of sucked though, because he was tired, I was tired AND also suffering from withdrawls of nicotine. The date ended awkward with him saying, "I'll see ya when I see ya," and not kissing me. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to see him again, and that sucks. [Oh wait...that wasn't really a positive was it. DAMN!]
Something that isn't necessarily a positive, but I thought was pretty damn funny. The other day someone was bitching to me about something, and I was like, "Wow, that sucks. I'm really sorry for you?" They were like, "What?" and I responded as, "Um....I don't really know. I was trying to be nice. I'm not very good at it." That would be a lol pronounced "lull" from me.

Ok...positives. Ok! I've been finding a lot of sweet music lately. I'm really digging Josh Ritter, The Matt White Band, My Morning Jacket, Sondre Lerche, The Feeling, Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, Amy Winehouse, and Wilco. Some of you are going...."Huh?" Shut up, I know you don't know them....go open up your horizons a little ok Johnny? It's not just fields and 5 cent colas anymore. The Pete Yorn latest album, "Nightcrawler," is amazing. Bloc Party's new cd, "A Weekend in the City" really disappointed me, but it's still listenable. [With the exception that track #5 is amazing.] I musn't lie, I was a little disappointed when I found out the lead singer was black....changed my whole perception of the band. For all you club bumping alcoholics [Like me!] will like the new Timbaland album, "Timbaland Presents: Shock Value." The title makes sense once you listen to the cd. Rarely do you hear much actual vocals from him. It's mostly guest performances by people like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Nicole Scherzinger, She Wants Revenge [awesome song], Fall Out Boy, The Hives, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre, Missy Elliot, and of course, the amazing Elton John. You might notice he's produced a few of those artist's cds. Coincidence? If you don't think so then you're an idiot.

That was positive!

positives: I love peanut butter. I love mexican food....severely. I love Cherry Coke Zero...it's just amazing.

Ok...so you can just go ahead and sit me at the "Girls who eat their feelings table." [Uh thank you, "Mean Girls."]

Wow, I typed a freaking book. Oh! Something funny. I had a dream last night about prom. That's right, high school prom. All I really remember from it was that I was going with Jessica, and we were supposed to meet somewhere and she wasn't there. Then I found her eating McDonald's, AT SCHOOL, with Mr. Barnett. She was all mad at me because I stood her up. I was like "Whatever," [in my best "Clueless" Ambular voice], and then it was fast forward to the prom, and she had a black dress on. Then...here comes the twist. I was being married in a boat to Cleopatra, and we sailed away, but then the King was with Jennifer Gardner as Sidney on "Alias," and he slit Sidney's throat, and carved a deep X into my arm. Bleeding like a bitch out the neck, Sidney still tried to stop the bleeding, and she was insulted at the King that he cut me there because I had previous slit my wrists in my life. [Whoops! That's not fictional.] I was getting tired in my dream, because I was bleeding to death. Slowly my vision started closing in, I couldn't breath....and then I awoke in bed, sweating like a girl with a drunken jock down her neck at a roofie party, and gasping for breath. Good times....good times.

I conclude my writings about nothing with some reccomendations.

Movie: Hot Fuzz
cd: My Morning Jacket: Z
song: "Never Be Lonely," by The Feeling
book: "The Time Machine," by H.G. Wells


[Photo Credit: Mark Mumford (http://www.jamesharrisgallery.com)

I've been down so long...

I'm going through a lot of emotions lately. Technically I should be a Senior in college, but all my fuck ups ruined that. Now, everyone that is my age is graduating in a few weeks, and I feel left out. I feel so unaccomplished, and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm failing this semester.

I met this guy, Andrew. Our first date was amazing. We ended up back at my place, and stayed up til 5 on the couch cuddling. We stayed up so late because we were geniunely having fun, and wanted to be with each other. A few days later, we went out again. We went to Chili's for dinner...and that's really all we had time for, because he had some other stuff to attend to, but he wanted to see me. The date sucked. Like, it was so bad we were actually mentioning to each other how bad it sucked. He was tired, I was tired and going through cigarette withdrawls, and we barely spoke. Now I'm kind of afraid he's giving up, but I can't help but want to pursue, especially if we're only at a 50/50 rate. He's 6'6, and boy does that turn me on. I'm 6'0, so it's not often that I find men taller than me. He's just very masculine, down to earth, and honestly seems attracted to me.

God...my emotions are out of control. My thoughts have changed from, "God...I wish I were dead," to "There's a lot of pills in my closet." I know it's not healthy. I don't know why the darkness has taken me over again. It's like my shadow has moved and is covering my focus. I go through life, one failure to the next, and I know I have so much more in me, but I can't control what happens. It's like I'm living life from afar. It shouldn't be this way. I even took my doctor's advice and started working out 3x or more a week, and really have been keeping up on my meds. I'm beginning to think I was just born a shadow. I was born with no hope inside of me. I can't help but see it reflect back at me, not in a mirror, but in my friend's and family's eyes. It's beginning to get so that I can't look my mother in the face. I know it's probably just me reflecting my feelings from myself onto them, but I go through everyday feeling so tainted with disapproval and failure.

Jeez...I need to find another therapist. I haven't been to one since December b/c she went off my insurance. I miss having an open ear, without opinion.

I'm very disappointed with the new Bloc Party album. Their first album was near genius, and then they sophomore with a sold out, almost Fall Out Boy album...it's sad.

On another note, you should check out the album "Picaresque" by The Decemberists.

Transparent Smile

I don't feel very good right now. In the past two weeks, 2 people I've known have died, both from serious battles with bad diseases. I found out about the second one today, who was one of my favorite teachers in high school. When I had her 4 years ago she was doing chemo, and everything was fine. She had no hair and such, but she was always so brave and happy, and put her problems off just so she could change the lives of some teenagers.

So, I was already in a bad mood, and I sign on to facebook and I see that this guy that I BRIEFLY dated....like...we hung out as friends for a while, then it sort of flew into a fling and then all of the sudden he met someone else. Well, I see that he's now "engaged," well, as engaged as a gay man can be, and it's NOT even to the guy who he met that ended things with me and him. I'm sorry, but I can't help but be pissed off. Here he is, MY age, planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, and I'm pushing guys away as much as possible.

Then I think, it's really my fault. Not necessarily in a bad way either. I have CHOSEN to be single. I have chosen to focus on myself, because right now I really really hate myself. Sometimes I just feel really behind everyone else. My therapist and I used to work on feelings of rejection and being left out because I didn't get the "true" socialization in high school because I never got to date and do the "stupid" relationships that teenagers often do in the early years. Nope, I was seemingly the wise one they all came to for advice, not because I had experience, but because I had an outside view. Somehow, I used to identify more with older people, or parents back then, because they weren't doing the stupid shit that I couldn't stand seeing my friends do.

NOW, I'm doing the stupid shit. I cant help it, it's my goddamn time! BUT, AGAIN, I'm left behind. Everyone else has moved on, and they're fucking committing themselves to people for the REST of their fucking lives! I can't EVEN imagine that. Hell, I can barely imagine letting someone in for more than one or two dates. It just seems like I don't have a lot of time. Maybe I'm just somewhere else emotionally. There's this one guy who's so interested in me, and he's just fucking annoying me. He's like "Let's hang out!" "Let's hang out!" and I'm like "JESUS CHRIST! I don't have any time."

I don't know. When I seem to find time, I'm usually so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Eat, sleep, study. Sigh...

Cold-Hearted Snake

Uh-thank you Paula Abdul.

Things are quite a bit different in my life right now. A few weeks back I officially declared myself "off the market." That is, of course, the dating market. I'm not cool enough to have stock in myself...yet. It's this great, clarifying change. I no longer have this need to be with someone, to not feel lonely, and to feel like I'm finally loved. It's strange that you can go on living your life for so long having so many people love you but you take it all for granted. Family..friends...pets...that's the good stuff.

Somehow, on another note, guys seem to be all over me now. Which is strange because I feel in my life that I am the worst I've ever been self-esteem wise. I'm playing the field, but all I'm doing is throwing strike outs. I'm emotionally unavailable somehow. I can spend the most romantic moment with someone, and not feel a damn thing. There's this one guy, Rich, who I have decided I can no longer see because he's falling for me too hard. Where are my feelings? Hell if I know, but they're not there. I've spent the night over there many times, and I'm pretty sure he's in the illusion that we are dating. Which is rather funny because last time I was with him I was so disgusted that I had to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore. It's just not cool being with someone who's totally head over heels for you, and you have nothing there for them except for friendship. There's also a boy named Daniel who I met at the bar, and another one who I met the following week at the same bar. They both seem to like me a bunch too. It's strange, these are actually guys that at one point in time I could have settled with and probably had a long, productive relationship. Somehow, I'm more interested in these two guys I know from online. Maybe it's just physical, I don't know. But I feel more and more like a "promiscuous boy" (thanks Nelly Furtado) and I'm not sure that I like it.

I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's rather an unfortunate time for this to happen, especially it being round 1 of exam time. I think I got through it pretty well though.

Suggested Listen: "Come Around" by Rhett Miller

The Night Before Life Goes On...

Tonight I'm having a party. It wasn't really my choice, but it was let known that it was being thrown for me. So I made up a guest list and sent out invites and stuff, and I can't help but feel a little down about who rvsp'd negatively. Some little part of my mind I guess was hoping someone like Zach or Justin would show up, and maybe I could mend a little something with them. I don't really like having people out there thinking ill of me, since already, just because I'm homosexual, that's happening anyway.

A lot has seemed to be leading up to this day. I did have my EEG this morning, but I won't find out until mid next week what it says.

As I once promised, I am going to start editing, "Written, With Love," and will soon post it on here for your reading pleasure. I'm not quite sure if I like the ending, but whatever. I will have to post it as a document, if I can do that...because it's kind of a long story.

I'm working on another, SHORT story called, "The Beast of Burden." I'll update!

Funny

So I finally asked Justin why it ended. The undefined ending was really bothering me, and I had a lot of time today to hash out my feelings and thoughts. Eventually, I decided that I needed a reason to hate him. If I could hate him, I could process these residual emotions and move on with things, free to be whatever. Finally I messaged him, kind of harshly to be truthful. It went something along these lines:

Phoenix: Cliff's Notes version, I need a reason to hate you. If I can find one, I can process and move on freely. We both know you are a bastard, so just let me know what shallow, insincere, thoughtless reason you ended things for.

Well, eventually it came down to it...He thinks I'm VERBALLY DOMINEERING. I chuckle at that, because I actually put those words in his mouth. Originally, it went something lik-a-dis..."Boi, u two smart 4 me." Hahahahaha, no, just playing. It was like, "You make me feel stupid when you talk to me because I feel strange that I don't always know what you are talking about."

Funny. So, actually, it turns out that, in fact, I was too good for HIM!

Destruction

It's strange how I feel sometimes. After the conversation, I was really upset, but I held it in because my friends were there. We played some Phase 10 after, and I was shaking really hard, but other than that, I didn't show any physical remorse. It got time where I was home alone, and I had it all planned out that I was going to listen to love songs and cry, but when I got down to it, the tears didn't come. It actually scared me a little. I don't want to become jaded enough that I just expect this shit.

A few days later, something kind of funny happened and I was clicking on Justin's name to tell him about it. Then I thought to myself that I shouldn't do that. It sucks! I mean, not only did I lose a "potential," as I call them, but I also lost a friend. I wanted to talk to him, but self respect didn't let me do so.

Eventually, I decided that I was going to message him, and it was pretty much the most demeaning conversation. Not only did it only consist of like 11 lines, but it was obviously apparent that he was completely done with me. So much for the friend speech, huh?

Now, I really just have nothing left. My desire for another has been killed. It's kind of relieving though, I can focus on my schoolwork uninhibited, and I can focus on bettering myself FOR ME, and not for someone else. I guess it's just all not really meant for me right now, which I've accepted and moved on. Relief and a little sadness fill me, but it's more relief, because I finally don't feel like falling in love is the only thing I need in my life. Now I can focus on better things, like friends, food, and school. My mother and I seem to be getting closer as well. It's MUCH better back at home now. The hostility of my apartment was really killing me on the inside, and it's not WWIII at my house anymore since my grandparents are gone. So I'm full-time back at my mother's, and it's going well.

February 2nd I get my tests done to see if I can finally drive again! I'm hoping it all turns out well.

The conversation.

Justin: Hey there!
Me: Hi.
Justin: What's up?
Me: Nothing, I want to shoot myself. I'm babsitting. Please be nice, come over, and shoot me in the face. Please and thanks.
Justin: lol
Me: I'm gonna shower.
Justin: Later.

(I did that because I was already a little ticked off at him b/c all week he told me he was going to go out with us last night to the bar, and then didn't.)

Later...

Me: Back.
Justin: cool.
Me: What are your plans tonight?
Justin: Nothing.
Me: Oh, Awesome.
Justin: I know, right!
Me: I'm not doing anything either.
Justin: I think my roommates are home now, maybe.
Me: Ok, have fun.

slight pause in time.

Justin: Do you hate me?
Me: Not at all. Why?
Justin: I would if I were you.
Me: Why? Because you're avoiding me?

no response.

Me: lol, whatever. Go hang out with your roommates. Later.
Me: I will be here later if you want to talk.

time passes.

Justin: Ok.

time passes.

Justin: I just don't really know what to say. I never really felt a spark between us, and I was going to tell you that we should just be friends, but you were just so sweet so I thought I'd see where things led. Then I left to go home for break, and I actually missed you, and was excited to come back and see you. I love going out with you, and had a lot of fun last weekend, but then things got awkward. I don't know, I really think we just should be friends because I have a lot going on this semester, finishing school and such.

Me: I don't want to be friends.
Justin: Oh...um...Why?
Me: Because I'm already passed that point.
Justin: Oh.
Me: So, I will just let you go. See ya.

slight pause.

Me: Wait, why were things awkward?

no response.

Me: No no, don't do this. At least you could finish the conversation.
Justin: It just was when we were in bed.
Me: Um, ok.
Justin: But I really do have to go.
Justin: Sorry if I'm an ass.



Yeah...so I guess it's over. After this, I walked to the table to play cards with my friends and I couldn't talk, because I knew if I talked or even looked at them, I'd cry, so I just played a few rounds, shaking profusely, and then started to feel a little better. I told the girls the story, and they were just like "what an ass."

It all comes down to this. He thought it was awkward when we were in bed. So basically, he doesn't like the way I look naked. Shallow bastards. All of them. Shallow faggots.

Suggested Listen: BBMak- Ghost of You and Me

SHIT

I can't help it. I like him that much. He said he was in his "online meeting" tonight, which I guess I can't hold against him b/c he actually WAS online, and DID respond to me after like 20 minutes...So I can't assume it was a hookup like I was thinking before.

You see this? I distrust EVERYONE. Even my family, because I know their agenda. They try to hide it, but they are secretly broadcasting it to my senses, and I'm not retarded. Maybe I'm paranoid, you might say that, but others might say I'm just a realist, like my best friend. We go through every situation that could happen, so we are prepared for it all. No one wants to go into something cluelessly and have their integrity ripped apart.

So, yes, I like Justin. I hate myself for this. I hate that I want to dig into that hole. I mean, it's like the more I see him, I fall deeper and deeper. Eventually, I'm gonna hit the bottom of that hole, and I'm there, on the cold floor, in love with him. Eventually, as it always does, it will end. Again, I will be left there on that floor, though, no longer companioned, I will be left alone, sad, hateful, and too tired to continue life. This is why I'm so scared. Scared of what I might do to myself. New territory excites and scares me the same. What I'll do? No one knows...

I decided.

I chose Justin. He finally is back from winter vacation, and we had our first sleep over at his house. It was really, really nice. He took me out for a few drinks, danced a little, then we just spent the rest of the night in bed and watching movies. Well, that should be "watching." haha. Though, it was a little awkward, I'm not gonna lie. We attempted to have sex, and I don't know if I was too drunk or what, which I don't think I was, but it didn't work. Like, it just wouldn't go in and stay in...lol, I don't know. That was kind of awkward. Then the next morning we were making out and he was on top of me, and we were kissing and then all of the sudden he was breathing a lot harder and started to moan a little. I thought I felt wetness on my stomach, but I was like 'no....he couldn't have.' He rolled off of me, and I reach down to find that, sure enough, he had splooged all over my belly. He was then in this strange 'Don't touch me,' mode, so I felt a little neglected. That left me a little pissed off, and still horny, so we barely spoke on the ride home. Actually, on that ride home I got so pissed off in our silence that I thought to myself, 'God, I don't want to see him ever again.'

Then, after going home, taking a shower, and going to my job interview, my mind was clear enough to think about him again, and I was overwhelmed with this awesome sense of desire. I can't help it, I simply adore him. I did catch myself that morning looking over at him and thought, 'Jeez...look at my cute boyfriend. Woah...calm down, he's not your boyfriend yet.' LoL. I can't help what I think sometimes. I really started to freak out, like seriously almost had a panic attack at dinner with my family because I'm so in new territory, and I don't know what I think about.

Yesterday I was kind of still flipping out, because he hasn't necessarily been paying much attention to me, like he may be avoiding me. When I brought it up to my friend Tony, he was like, "Dude, just chill out, if you fall in love, then it will happen when it happens. Just let things happen, and don't think too much." He's so right! I mean, fuck it! If he doesn't want to spend time with me then clearly I don't need to be wasting anything on him. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. If we do continue to see each other, which I hope we do, I am going to try to not bring up the "exclusive talk," and wait to see if he will.

'Til next time...

The Tear

He lay his head down to rest on the pillow normally designated as rest on the living room couch. He was certain that he had happiness inside of him, and was surprised to find that his cheeks were moistened. Were these tears of sadness coming from somewhere inside, somewhere he had been hiding from himself?
The boy’s thoughts fleeting through his past days.
Nearly a week ago, it was decided between the two that a day date should take place. Justin was to drive down to visit, and go see a movie….
**********
When Justin walked through the door, I was elated to see him. Though a mere two days had separated them, it was enough to long for his touch. I walked toward him, and leaned down to kiss him gently, and smile back at him when he goofed out a little greeting. He reached out to offer me his homemade chili that he had the night before promised to bring me.
I moved him to the couch, and we cuddle a little, discussing what we had foreseen for the day. He needed to do a little shopping for some friends, and I obliged. Also, we planned for a movie.
After the shopping, I directed him to the theatre, and we decided up seeing “Stranger Than Fiction,” because I thought it looked good, but mostly it was the only thing on around that time. I bought his tickets, and we headed into the theatre, after buying the free concessions offered to us.
We were the only two in the theatre, so we cuddled just as much as we wanted, and during the boring parts, kissed each other fervently. It was nice to have him all to myself, for once, without roommate distraction.
We left the movie, a little disappointed with the performance the silver screen gave us, and decided just to head back to the apartment.
I led him straight to the couch, where we joked around, kissed, touched, and just had plain had fun.
The time had arrived for him to leave, and I was a little sad, but I knew it was forthcoming. With a long kiss goodbye, I sat down, full of happiness, yet still mixed in with some confusion.
Who knew what laid ahead for us. I could only sit there full of hope, with a silly grin upon my face.
The next night, the roomies and I planned on going out to the bar, in which I was going to be the tag-along, or 3rd wheel, whichever you prefer. In retaliation, I called Justin to invite him as my date, but he didn’t answer, so I promptly left a message.
I was disappointed when I didn’t hear back from him, but nonetheless, had fun.
The following day arrived, and I woke up and signed online. Justin messaged me saying, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I’m sick, and I just found out my grandma died.”
Forgiven. I mean, you can’t even remotely be mad at someone when they give that as an explanation.
He proceeded to tell me that he would be going home the next day. I was overcome with sadness, because “home” meant Illinois, and that meant I would not be seeing him over the holidays. I couldn’t really express my disappointment too much, because we aren’t a couple, and I didn’t want to load on too much. I definitely didn’t want him to feel any bit of guilt for leaving me, especially with a deceased family member to deal with.
“So…I am not going to see you for a while,” I asked, though I knew, still hoping he might say differently.
“Nope,” he replied.
“Sad.”
I couldn’t really say more than that, because I’m not good with sympathy. I offered my condolences and scattered quickly offline to leave it at that.
Departure Day had arrived, and I was downtown eating with the family. My original intention shattered by death of having him meet my family during this annual gathering of ours. Eating at the Old Spaghetti Factory, I couldn’t help but notice we were only 2 blocks from another, him being at the Purdue vs. Butler basketball game.
In a lame attempt at contact, I called with the apparent reason to ask him who won, only I knew I just wanted to talk to him. He offered no response on the phone, and a message was followed. Nervously, I gabbed out something stupid, hanging up and hitting myself subconsciously for being stupid.
**********

The boy waited for a response. The wait was normal, yet still not bearable.
He was offered nothing the rest of the day.
Or the following.
Yet, he was surprised at the events that were to occur this second day of waiting…
**********

Aimlessly wandering among the web, I was surprised to find someone from my past reappear. Jon and I had met once before, and hit it off entirely. He was a fellow student at my college, and our date turned out to be stimulating and casually fun.
I inquired as to what happened to him, because he had disappeared from the face of the earth since our meeting. He apologized in response, and told me what had been going on with him.
Surprisingly, he asked me to a movie. I agreed, and before I knew it, I was riding beside him in his car once again.
It was awkward, but not seeing him again. It’s like seeing an old friend, where you know them somewhat, but you know they’ve changed.
We attended a showing of “Happy Feet,” with only 2 other couples in attendance. Even though there was a couple behind us, in plain view of the two of us, I still grabbed his hand.
Why, you may ask, because I’m previously invested in Justin? Well, simply because I wanted to. So that’s that.
We continued to move closer and closer to one another, him finally resting his head on my shoulder.
At the conclusion of the movie, the 2 other couples exited the theatre, and I offered him a kiss as an expression of my gratitude for the movie. It was a great kiss. A slight, tender pause, and it was over, yet it lingered. Lingered so much that I continued it after buckling my safety belt in his vehicle.
We decided then to go grab some food, and ended up at La Bamba, because it was the only restaurant open that late at night. Good food, and good company, always leaves me with a smile.
After, he brought me back to his place, where we shared some cigarettes, and had some very long kissing sessions.
His roommate then came home, and I met him and his friend, who were both very welcoming, and easy to talk with. Though, that has never really been a problem of mine.
They invited me to partake in smoking some bowls, but I refused, and Jon offered watching a movie.
The movie turned into a kiss, a kiss into making out, making out into him leading me to the bedroom, the bedroom leading to being nude, and some friendly touching. We ended up making out for over six freaking hours. It was amazing. I can’t lie.
Waking up, I was greeted with a minty kiss, which also turned into another make out session. We cuddled, and then decided to go grab some food and go shopping. I had to finish my seasonal shopping, so we opted for a restaurant connected to the mall.
Good food and good company continued. I dropped money like I had it and it was fun.
In Old Navy, looking at baby clothes, I stole a kiss when no one was near. He was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. Moving to the men’s section, hanging in the pajama section was this hat that appealed greatly to my senses.
“This hat is awesome,” I said.
“Um, no it’s not,” he cajoled.
“It’s adorable! I love it!”
“It’s stupid.”
“You crazy…” I laughed.
Finally done with shopping, I offered for him to come meet my roommates, and he eagerly agreed.
He did amazingly well with them, but it was time for him to go. I walked him to his car, and gave him a long goodbye kiss.
When I came back in, smiling, Kristen was told me that I was supposed to look under the pillows. When I pulled back the pillows, what was there? The hat that I adored. He had bought it for me secretly. I got a little teary from this, because that was probably the sweetest thing someone has done for me.
Later that night, still elated from my date, but confused because now I have two men in my life, I suddenly was messaged by Justin.
We talked about what he was going through, dealing with the death of his grandma and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel for him. I do really care for him so much, and I wish I could be there for him, and I wanted to say something like that, but I still don’t know where the boundaries lie.
I left our conversation, because I had a girlfriend over and we were watching a movie, more confused than ever.
**********

The boy raised up after reliving his past days out in his mind, and wiped away the wetness from his skin. He looked around precariously, almost looking for the answers in his mind.
What should he do? He feels for both of them. Jon seems like the best bet, but he still couldn’t help but feel intrigued and challenged by Justin. It would be so much easier if Justin were here for him to talk to, but that was no option.
Sooner or later, he will have to decide. The boy did not want to continue on in this confusion, and he knew that one day, the decision will be brought about to commit, but by whom is unknown.
The boy supposes he will wait until that day to come, and he felt the last tear fall from his face. That lone tear landed on the pillow, seemingly holding the answer, but disappeared before he could read what it told.

The tear was gone, and so was his certainty.

Suggested Listen: Muse- Supermassive Black Hole

The Continue

And the 4th date is concluded. Not only am I in new territory, but I'm in a completely unknown place. This is no Lewis and Clark mission, this is the first mission to Mars. I'm so confused, distraught, and just plain don't understand, but....I'm happy. After our date, which was an all day thing, including many things, one of those, most importantly, being cuddling and making out. Yes, that's right, I said making out. It was fun, and nice, and I forgot how it felt to be so close to someone like that. Proximity wise I mean, not emotionally. After the conclusion of our date, I sat at home, giddy, and satisfied. So much so that I actually took my roommate out for an extravagant dinner, which, in truth, should have been for him. Well Justin, you do still surprise me. Anyway anyway, back to what I was saying, concluding my dinner and some movie watching, I came online, and read that his away message said, "Palpitations." I wasn't quite sure whether that was a good thing or not, but I'm concluding that it's for the better end of the inquiry. Which, still, surprises and excites me. I'm just glad that finally something seems to be working, though I'm knocking on wood and punching myself in the face for putting that into print. The holidays are coming, which is a stiff time, so I'm not sure what that will bring, but then again, I guess, I need to go in willingly and wholeheartedly.

Until the next post. Happy Holidays.

Oh, and other than Justin, my life seems to be improving as well. (Minus family).

What in the hell

So....is it just me, or is everyone like in love? I mean...jesus, maybe it's just me noticing more because it's the holidays and well, I'm alone. Seriously though, it seems everyone is in a couple. It's like a secret club that I haven't been invited to, and may never be. And it makes me feel weird to talk to the club members because they might say they "understand," but really they don't CARE, because, well, they're in a club...duh. I had this boy Justin over on Sunday, and that was our 3rd date. I suppose things are going really well, I mean, we cuddled and kissed and stuff (puke, I know...), but after he left, I kind of had this little grin on my face. Hold on...let's wait for 20 minutes to set in, and then I'm like WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I can't imagine being in a relationship. Like, ever. Not that I want to run around to the tune of Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" for the rest of my life, but I seriously can't imagine it at all. Let's take a look back at my romance history. I've had one boyfriend. 4 months...IF even that. Truthfully, it was a terrible relationship, because it was both of our firsts, and he was closeted. Oh well, right? Basically, since I'm gay, that was the equivalent of me having a stupid high school relationship that everyone leaves high school with the knowledge and growth of "Why the fuck did I do that?" You think back to your high school days for an example, and nod your head in agreement.

So here I am, 21 years old, with one 19 year-old, high school worthy relationship under my belt, and I'm like WHA???? I'm 21. I mean, c'mon, I'm 21. People my age are getting MARRIED, or already are. It's nuts! I can't even imagine being close to someone like that. Truthfully, it freaking scares me. I'm not sure if it's that typical, "I don't want to get hurt thing," because you know me, if it was that, I wouldn't be afraid to say it. It's like, I'm SO used to things staying on the surface. I haven't made it passed a 3rd date to THIS day. You know you can't get anywhere with that. I realize after the 3rd date that I can feel myself slowly attaching, so maybe I run away. I'm so used to the "meet and greet," and realizing right away that I don't see anything happening with this guy. I mean, sure, there's been guys that I could've seen something happening with, but one reason or another, I ran away from it. So what happens now? I might have found someone to go passed this 3rd date point. I mean, we've had our 3 dates, and I'm still interested...so NOW WHAT? Now, I crap myself, and have to decide if I'm to move on into the unknown.

It's that time again...

Today is the day. It's the 2 year mark of probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember, IU vs. Purdue, November 20th, 2004. We started drinking at 10am, tailgating. My friend wanted to go to Arby's, so I picked her up, and she came out of her sorority with a random guy. We went to Arby's, and their drunk asses were hilarious. We didn't end up making it to the game, instead, we went to his fraternity to drink. He kept making me whiskey sours, because they were amazing.

Sounds like a good day so far, right? Well, that random boy later turns out to be the only boyfriend I've ever had. Anyway, he invited me to their party last night, and went through the trouble of putting my name on the list and stuff. Well, Lauren and I decided to go home and shower, and when I was at home, she messaged me and told me she didn't want me to accompany her to the party, "because you're gay, and it freaks people out." So, I get pissed and stopped talking to her for a month or more.

Suddenly I was messaged online to an invitation to the gay fraternity's initiation. I didn't know a single damn person there. The guy who invited me had only talked to me online, and had never met in person. Well, it turned out one of the gays lived in the same complex as me, and I kind of knew him by proximity, because we lived on the same floor in my freshman dorm. He picks me up at 9, (keep in mind I started drinking at 10am) and we start drinking right away. At this time in my life, I didn't hang out with gay people, so I was freaking out. No one was talking to me either, so a few times in the night I went to a rock in the neighbor's yard and bawled my eyes out. I got severely wasted, to the point that I made myself bartender and was making everyone really terrible drinks. The cops show up, and I'm freaking out, and after they left, I decided to pass out on the couch.

Jostled, I awoke around 8am to someone taking my clothes off. I was pretty much blacked out, but I have some memories. I know there was 5 guys, and they were all naked, and I couldn't move because I was THAT drunk, and I was cold, and just layed on the side of the blow up mattress on the floor, hoping no one would touch me so I could go back to sleep. Yeah...it was SO not cool. It was a lot worse than that, but I don't really want to type it all out.

On another note...

The holidays are coming up, and I can't help but feel lonely. How could I not, when I told you that a 2 years ago today, my only relationship started, and lasted all through the holiday season. I have memories of that time so clear, like the memory of the frost on his truck window, and the kisses we shared during the warm up time, so clear that my stomach actually turns. It's completely ridiculous, because I miss a person that doesn't even exist anymore. No, he's not dead, but I dated a closeted frat boy, not the flamer he has grown into since coming out after we broke up. He's a cool guy, I actually have hung out with him a few times...haha, but no one I'd want to date anymore. I will always have the good memories though. The relationship didn't turn sour until around Valentine's Day (go figure.), so I have good holiday memories.

I have recently fallen in love with the American Movie Channel (AMC as you probably know it). It's AMAZING!

On that note, I'd like to invite you to view my new blog Not Another Gay Film. It's just movie reviews of stuff I've seen recently.

Suggested Listen: Cartel- "Honestly"

Changes

Things are still changing. The boys as quick as my life. One time seems to be enough lately. A friendly exchange can be fun, but apparently just not enough.

I don't really feel that I belong anywhere. My new living situation has been nothing but gracious to me, but I feel I need to move on. Maybe it's the nomad in me, itching to break free. I almost actually turned to my mother today for a shoulder and some advice, but that seemed too typical, and I couldn't help but not want to do that. I feel I need to solidify my groundings before I can really continue to focus on anything else in my life. I need a permanent living situation that I approve of, a steady job, a car, and THEN I will think seriously about my career and a boy. It's like I keep putting my shirts in the washer, but the spin cycle never stops and I can't reach the end with a shirt that I can continue to wear.

I'm going to try as hard as I can to take my focus on finding this so-called love. It really does rule my life at times. Today I brokedown in the bathroom (secretly so my roomies wouldn't find out.), because a boy told me that he liked spending time with me, and he thought I'm really cute, but that he didn't think he should "get more involved has been my fear that you have a lot going on/ a lot to deal with that i don't know if i can deal with too." It wasn't necessarily the let down by yet another man, but more or less the fact that I know that my life is actually THAT bad that someone won't date me because of it.

[side note] I hate people who stop talking to their friends just because they met a significant other. Then if they break up, come crawling back and expect you not to care.

I've made the decision to drop the semester. I'm too far behind, and if I do it now, my GPA won't suffer from it. Now, I'm off to see the wizard, and maybe he'll give me a job.



[P.S.] To my readers: I do, in fact, "get help." I have been medicated for over a year now, and talk to a therapist bi-monthly.

The Phoenix

The Phoenix has come out to play. Ever since my last post, I've pretty much been in a drunken coma. I was kicked out of my house, so now I'm living with 2 friends and their child, I don't have a job, and I'm pretty much failing out of school. It's almost amazing at how well I can't succeed.

Sightastic

I'm pretty much in a coma.

I like this video.



JanetJackson

But I said stop...

yet, it never did.

I lost something the other night. I lost my innocence, naivity, and my lonliness. The ruffie dropped into my 3rd beer was the catalyst, but it was all his fault. In an attempt to wash myself clean of what had happened with Zach, I slapped on my eyeliner (because I stopped wearing it for him, he didn't like it.) and I was going to go to a possible suitor's to hang out and watch Desperate Housewives. He offered me a beer, but I guess I should've held on to my drink at all times.

I awoke and he was already inside, without a condom, nonetheless. I asked him to stop, and he said he was almost finished. I told him to quit because it hurt, and he wouldn't stop. I pushed with all my might, yet he didn't budge. Damn me for not going to the gym, he was too powerful to me. I was left with nothing else to do, so I turned my head to the side, and with the tears, just asked why.

My soul, and possibly my body, have been tainted. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer have the desire to find a man. I no longer long for a connection. This scares me because that was pretty much all I was living for. Without that, what's left?

I'm waiting to the possible conception point, then going to get tested. Should be some time next week. May karma grant me some luck.

The beginning that ended.

Zach is gone. He met 'the phoenix,' or my alter ego, as my friends put it when they add 'the.' He showed up to come get me, and he had a hickey on his neck. A FUCKING HICKEY ON HIS NECK. I had already drank 2/3 of a fifth by myself, at my friend's, so I was pretty pissed. She was sick, so I ended up going with him anyway. He was high, and that kind of pissed me off too, so we ended up going to a party at Butler, and I got trashed. The last thing I remember was sitting at a table, making fun of a girl. I mean, she just really had BAD hair!

Anyway, I guess him and I got into a verbal fight, but then made up and were making out in the car. When his friend Kelly pointed this out, I guess I punched her in the face. Yep, 3 times. I didn't even STOP kissing him, which I thought was pretty talented.

I was told all this the next day, after we found the mess I had left in the kitchen, attempting to make my drunk ass some food. He laughed, but I saw the fear and concern in his eyes. He was kind of freaked out about what I did, and he couldn't hide it. So yeah, I haven't heard from him since. I got a new cell, so I called to leave him that number, and left the message, "This is my number now, should you choose to call it." I'm guessing that was me giving him the ball, and it was up to him to play his offense.

I'm kind of upset. I say kind of, because, still, he had a hickey on his neck. I'm sure that's why 'the phoenix' came out to play. He had gone out to gay bars the night before, so either a) he's a whore and made out with someone the night before, b) he's seeing someone else, or c) wait, he's still making out with them pretty fucking ferociously because hickies just DON'T happen by chance. We hadn't engaged in the "exclusivity" talk, but still, I'm the type of guy, when I find something I like, I don't look for anything else. (Funny, I just shrugged as I typed that.) And it still hurts my feelings when they are looking for someone else, even if he isn't just mine.

This is why I'm sure I could never do an "open relationship," or anything of the sort. Probably smashing my chances to date a lot of men, or date ones that will just cheat on me behind my back. This is why I'm giving up on men, and getting fat.

Suggested listen: Phoenix- Consolation Prizes

Still here...

Yep, he's still here. I saw him last weekend, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Previously I had made plans to go out for my friend's 21st birthday, but Zach was having a party so I wanted to go to that. Well, we comprised and did both. Zach ended up asking me to stay the night, and I drunkedly obliged. We drank, hung out, goofed around, watched Seinfeld...and then the kissing started. Yeah, it got pretty hot and heavy. Then I realized a few things.

I do not like the 69 position. I get to focused on what I'm doing to enjoy what is happening to me. I have a very unsensitive penis, so I really need to concentrate when someone is giving me head.

He ordered me to give him my first rim job. I was nervous, and had no clue what I was doing. He kind of talked me through it. I was surprised that it wasn't distasteful like I thought.

We were totally in the sex position, but we didn't have any condoms. I thought this was good, because I want to wait a little. I want it to mean something. I've never had sex with someone I was with.

He took me to lunch the next day, and it was nice. Though, he did drop a bomb on me that he wanted a kid.

Anyway...I haven't talked to him since...